(As a result of the US/Canadian currency parity, a lot of customers have been angry that they have to pay the Canadian price instead of the cheaper US price.)

Customer: “Which price do I have to pay: the American or Canadian?”

Coworker: “I’m afraid you have to pay the Canadian price.”

Customer: *angrily* “Why?”

Coworker: “Quite simply, we buy from Canadian publishers with Canadian money. Also, that book was bought before the price parity; therefore, to sell at the American price would mean that we would not be making any money.”

Customer: “Well, I want you to explain to my seven-year-old daughter why she’s not getting this book for Christmas.”

Me: “…because her dad is a cheapskate?”

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(A girl in her late teens approaches me holding a t-shirt, turning it over in her hands, apparently searching for defects or blemishes in the material.)

Customer: “Do you have any of these that are new?”

Me: “I’m sorry? They’re all new.”

Customer: “No, this one is used. I want a new one.”

(I take the shirt and inspect it, finding it to be in perfect order.)

Me: “It looks perfectly fine to me. I unpacked these from today’s shipment an hour ago. We have multiples of each size if you’d like me to help you find another one.”

Customer: “I checked them all. They’re all used. See…”

(She snatches the shirt and points at the tag which reads, under the bar code, “USD $14.99.”)

Me: “That’s the currency. United States Dollars.”

Customer: *becoming irate* “I can f****** see that. Fifteen dollars for a used shirt is f****** insane.”

Me: “No. U-S-D. United States Dollars. We don’t sell used clothing.”

Customer: “What are you, a f****** idiot? It says used, right on the d**n tag.”

Me: “My mistake. Here, I’ll take that and make sure it gets thrown away.”

(I take the shirt and begin walking to the stock room.)

Customer: “Can I just have it? You’re going to throw it out anyway.”

Me: “Sorry, no. There’s an IQ requirement.”

Customer: “A what?”

Me: “It’s an acronym thing. Don’t worry about it.”

Customer: “You’re a f****** a**-hole!”

(She stormed out.)

(We have a “buy two, get one free” sale right after Christmas. The sign clearly says “lowest item free.”)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy these…” *shows me two $2.99 games for the Gamecube* “…and get this one free.” *shows me a used copy of Halo 3 for $54.99*

Me: “I’d like a million dollars.”

Customer: “I’m serious!”

Me: “So am I, sir. I’m sorry, that’s not how the ‘buy two, get one free’ works. You’d get one of the $2.99 games free.”

Customer: “THAT’S NOT WHAT THE SIGN SAYS! IT SAYS ‘BUY TWO, GET ONE FREE’!”

(I take the sign off wall and read it to customer.)

Me: “‘Buy two games, get one free’ on all used games. Please note that the lowest priced item will be free.”

Customer: “That’s not what the sign says! I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t believe you can sue me because you can’t read.”

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(A customer is looking at a laptop. I approach to help.)

Me: “That’s a really great computer.”

Customer: “I don’t need a computer. I need wireless Internet.”

Me: “All right, how much range do you need cover?”

Customer: *dead serious* “From here to Santa Monica.”

(Note: This is about a distance of ten miles.)

Me: “All right, let’s start over. This time I’ll be the one from the future.”

(A cell phone customer has been redirected to the call center for non-payment of his cell phone bill.)

Customer: “Turn on my phone or you can take it and shove it up your a**!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have service in that area.”