The Great Zucchini Heist

, , , , , , , | Friendly | July 3, 2017

My grandfather is a landscaper and gardener, so my grandparents have a massive vegetable garden in their backyard. It produces way more food than they actually need. My grandmother has a deal with one of her neighbors, who is an amazing cook and baker as well as a good friend to my grandmother, where she can come over at anytime and take as many vegetables as she wants and she’ll bake my grandparents several loaves of chocolate zucchini bread in return. She is the only person they have this deal with, though my grandmother will sometimes give free vegetables to neighbors who ask for them.

One day her friend comes over for some zucchini because she is having a get together and decides to make some bread for the dessert table, only to discover that the plants are completely barren of fruit. There aren’t even any unripened, not quite ready to pick zucchinis on the plant despite the fact that it’s peak season for them. She asks my grandparents about this, wondering if they’re having a bad year with their plants, but my grandmother shows her a zucchini she just picked the previous day and claims there were dozens more at least.

A week later, someone takes most of the tomatoes and digs up almost all of the carrots, which is discovered because the neighbor came over for a couple of onions for a soup she’s making for a dinner party she’s hosting. After the theft is discovered, her husband, who is a retired, disabled Vietnam vet who doesn’t really do much other than stay at home and entertain friends because his disabilities make it difficult for him to walk or travel, sits outside for two days, watching the garden while my grandparents aren’t home, until he catches the thief.

It turns out another one of the neighbors saw that my grandmother’s friend was going in and out of their garden and just taking vegetables whenever she wanted and decided that meant it was open for anyone to just take whatever they wanted. He was stealing the vegetables and selling them at a local farmer’s market.

When my grandfather confronts him, the guy tells my grandfather that it was his own fault for not telling him that he couldn’t just take all of them for profit. He never asked if it was okay or even indicated that he was doing it in the first place…

He later got arrested after security footage revealed he was the one who was stealing another neighbor’s prized, show-quality lop rabbits from an outdoor hutch and it turned out he was butchering and eating them. He had even cut a lock they had installed to try to prevent the theft. I guess she never told him that he couldn’t just take and eat her pets, either.

An Ankle For A Tooth

, , , , | Related | July 2, 2017

My twelve-year-old brother decides to try doing long-jumps over my kiddie pool. On one jump, he lands wrong, and breaks his ankle.

The following winter, he is coming home from a friend’s house, slips on ice on our front walk, and knocks out his front teeth.

Flash forward about fifteen years. On a winter’s day, he goes out to run an errand, slips on ice, and breaks the SAME ankle. The following winter, he falls into a snow pile, and AGAIN knocks out his front teeth!

After that I couldn’t help teasing him by asking, “Seriously, can’t you find a LESS painful way to relive your childhood?”

Everyone Is Hungry To Help

, , , , | Hopeless | June 27, 2017

The other day, while coming home from an afternoon event, I decided to save some time before I go home to eat dinner and pick up some cinder blocks that I want to use in my backyard for a raised garden bed. I’m not that hungry, right? 85 degree weather shouldn’t bother me, right?

Maybe not so much. After checking out and pushing the heavily loaded cart of cinder blocks up the parking lot to my car, I start feeling light-headed and having white sparkles across my vision. I decide to walk back to the store and find a water fountain, but have to stop and sit down part of the way there, then pause to catch my breath near the entrance of the store, and end up going to one knee once I am inside so that I don’t totally black out.

Here is where the awesome part of the story begins. Every single person who sees me, whether an employee or a fellow customer, asks if I am all right. When I go to one knee, a woman who had just passed me, after I had assured her I was okay, turns around and comes right back to grab a bottle of water for me from a nearby display. More than that, the man at the nearby checkout told the cashier to put the water on his bill!

After I finished the water and caught my breath, the cashier made sure that another employee came out to my car and helped me load the cinder blocks. I was able to drive home just fine and was perfectly recovered after having dinner and resting up a bit. They say you should never go grocery shopping hungry… I guess that also applies to large heavy hunks of concrete!

They’re On A Roll

, , , | Right | June 26, 2017

(I work at a store where there is a single men’s and a single women’s restroom. I’m waiting outside of the women’s as there’s someone using it. After a minute or two, she comes out, red in the face.)

Customer: “You!” *pointing at me* “There’s no toilet paper in there!”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am; I’ll change it out immediately.”

(I walk into the restroom and she follows me. The toilet paper container holds four rolls, one of which is empty. I turn to the woman.)

Me: “Ma’am, there are three more rolls in here. All you have to do is turn the dial.” *I demonstrate and a fresh roll comes down*

Customer: *snippy tone* “Well, I shouldn’t have to do that.”

Me: “I’m sorry; I would’ve done it if I noticed sooner.”

Customer: *clicks tongue* “You should’ve done it for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: *sighs* “I said, you should’ve done it for me! You’re the employee!”

Me: “…so you’re saying I should’ve come in there, while you were using the restroom, to change the toilet paper?”

Customer: “No! I… ugh never mind! So incompetent!” *storms off*

Evolving To Avoid Tipping

, , , , , | Working | June 26, 2017

(When visiting a friend we go to a local restaurant. While we’re waiting for our order, I’m telling him about my aquarium and a certain fish I have.)

Me: “So the betta is actually able to breathe air directly. They evolved to survive in a rapidly changing environment. Repeated floodings and stuff.”

(A wild waitress appears with our order.)

Waitress: *glares at me*

Me: “Thank you.”

Waitress: “Hmpf!”

(We’re both rather confused, considering she’d been nice enough when she took our order. When we want to pay up, I decide to pay since my friend had invited me the last time.)

Waitress: *still glares at me*

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Waitress: “You’re very rude!”

Me: “Excuse me? How am I being rude?”

Waitress: “You’re trying to impose your beliefs on me!”

Me: “I what?!”

Waitress: “I don’t believe in evolution! And you’re yelling about it all the time!”

Me: “Are you serious? First of all, I wasn’t yelling. And second, I wasn’t even talking to you!”

Waitress: “Well, you should consider that there are people who don’t believe in that stuff, so you shouldn’t talk about it!”

Me: “I don’t even… Are you serious? Look, just let me pay up and we’ll leave.”

Waitress: “Fine!”

(She gives me the bill. I cross out the tip part and pay.)

Waitress: “What? You didn’t write down any tip!”

Me: “I find it very rude that you’re trying to impose your beliefs on me!”

Waitress: “What? What beliefs?”

Me: “I don’t believe in tipping.”

(She was furious but shut up. We left.)

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