Getting Crabby About The Meat

, , , , , | Right | March 21, 2018

(I am working as a bartender in a large chain restaurant. I have a customer who is perusing the appetizer menu.)

Customer: “Do you guys make your seafood nachos with real crab meat?”

Me: *smiling ruefully* “No, they are actually made with imitation crab meat.”

Customer: *victoriously* “So, you can’t really call them, ‘seafood nachos,’ can you?”

Me: “Well, sir, the imitation crab meat is Alaskan Pollock, so yeah, we pretty much can.”

Customer: *hmph*

They Want More Dough And They Don’t Mean Bread

, , , , , | Working | March 20, 2018

(I work in a bakery that takes a lot of large orders. We usually send invoices to customers for these large orders. I am in charge of dealing with emails. One customer wants me to add an extra $1800 fee to his invoice, and then forward the cash to his event planner. I tell my coworkers about it, and the following happens:)

Me: “It’s a scam.”

Coworker: “How do you know?”

Me: “Have you never heard of that before? People try to do this all the time. He even tried to offer an $80 tip, even though I told him there’s an extra gratuity included.”

Coworker: “But how would it be a scam? He’s giving us money and we’re giving it back to him.”

Me: “It’s probably a stolen credit card, or it would somehow work out that his payment wouldn’t go through after we gave him the money.”

Coworker: “I don’t know; it doesn’t make sense to me.”

(Not even two weeks later…)

Coworker: “A customer just called and asked if we could add a fee to her card when we charge her, then give cash to someone else. Can we do that?”

It’s Not Working Out

, , , , , | Romantic | March 20, 2018

(My boyfriend and I have been going to a gym regularly for the past several months, so we have a pretty well-established routine. I’ve been stretching for maybe a minute after getting there when my boyfriend comes up to me, an odd expression on his face.)

Boyfriend: “Hey, we need to talk.”

(I’m not usually one to jump to conclusions, but anyone in a relationship that hears those words combined with an odd expression on the other person’s face is bound to have a little heart attack. But, seeing as how the past few weeks have been wonderful between us, and he hasn’t given any indication of anything amiss, I figure he might be about to ask to stay at my house, since it is snowing very badly and he lives more than half an hour away. He leads me to the gym lounge that’s right next to the entrance of the building, and breaks up with me. In a gym. Not even after we’ve finished working out, but before. In a very public setting. I go to the bathroom to process what had just happened, and to bawl my eyes out for a bit. After a few minutes, I text him about taking me home, since I don’t exactly feel like working out right now, and he is the one that drove me there.)

Me: “Hey, can you please take me home? I’m not exactly up to doing anything right now.”

(A few minutes pass without response.)

Me: “Did you start working out?”

Now-Ex Boyfriend: “Yeah, but I can take you home.”

(So, to recap, he broke up with me, in a gym, not after we did what we came there to do, but beforehand, and still expected to go on like nothing happened. Am I being sensitive, or was that basically the relationship equivalent of polishing a crystal vase with a sledgehammer? And, on top of all that, the snow was so bad that he did end up staying the night with my family and me. I think it was a real contender for awkward dinner of the year.)

Unfiltered Story #107571

, , , , | Unfiltered | March 20, 2018

(I have just started working at a new job, and the training person is trying to get our badges so we can go in and out of the building without having to bother the security staff.)

Trainer: “Let me see if I got an email from Pete. The… badge guy.”

Me: “In this world there are goodge guys and badge guys.”

Trainer: “You’re a punny one, aren’t you?”

Coworker: “That’s illegal! She’s going to the pun-itentiary!”

The Key Thing Is That You Forget

, , , , , | Related | March 18, 2018

(My daughter’s car is in the shop, and as a result she and I are sharing my car for a few days. I have some errands to run before she goes to work.)

Me: “I’m leaving now, but I’ll be back in time for you to go to work. Do you want me to leave my spare keys, in case you have to go anywhere before I get back?”

Daughter: “Um… Mom? Think about what you just said.”

Me: “This conversation never happened.”

(She was still laughing as I walked out the door.)

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