I Wanna Hold Your Hand Forever

, , , | Working | August 21, 2017

(I’m at the register at a store where the only music playing over the intercom is the Beatles, currently “I Want to Hold Your Hand.”)

Me: “You’re lucky. You can listen to the Beatles while working. That’s pretty cool.”

(The cashier hands me my bag, looks me dead in the eye, and replies with chilling serenity.)

Cashier: “This CD is only an hour and a half long, and it’s the only CD we’ve been allowed for the past five months. They can “hold my hand” when they pry it from its bloody stump. Would you like your receipt?”

(When I went back a month later, the music hadn’t changed.)

Don’t Ask How It Was Laid

, , , | Related | August 19, 2017

(A national fast food chain known for its burgers recently started serving breakfast, and one local branch of this chain has decided to celebrate the announcement by placing a giant, inflatable egg on top of their store. My mom and I are sitting at a red light outside of this restaurant when we see the egg.)

Mom: “That’s a big egg.”

Me: “Yep.”

(A pause.)

Mom: “I wonder how big the cow was?”

Your Memory Is Fluid

, , , , | Related | August 18, 2017

(A local amusement park that we frequent in the summer has a water park attached to it. I’m deathly aquaphobic so I avoid that part of the park which usually causes no problems, but occasionally on windy days the strong smell of chlorine will waft over and sometimes triggers a panic attack. I’ve just been calmed down after such an attack.)

Friend: “Wow, I’ve never seen anyone get triggered by the smell of chlorine before!”

Me: “That’s probably because the reason I’m so afraid of water is because when I was almost four years old, I tried to fish a toy out of my grandmother’s pool and fell in. Luckily I’d fallen right next to the ladder and was able to pull myself out because no one even saw me go in.”

Mom: “That never happened!”

Me: “Yes, it did. I know it happened because I was traumatized by it enough to remember it exactly as it happened. I even remember that the toy I was trying to get was the rubber seal that Grandma has on the shelf in the bathroom as a decoration.”

Mom: “I never left you alone by the pool, so there’s no way you could have fallen in!”

Me: “I wasn’t alone by the pool. You were there; you were just talking to someone. I pulled myself out before anyone saw me, but I clearly remember falling in and almost drowning.”

Mom: “We would have noticed!”

Me: “Well, you didn’t, and I was still wet because we’d been swimming in the pool earlier so you didn’t think anything of it, and I didn’t say anything to you because I thought you’d be angry with me for falling in. Why do you think I suddenly went overnight from loving Grandma’s pool to being too terrified to go near water?”

(To this day she insists I never nearly drowned in the pool, which I’m not sure is denial out of an attempt to not seem like a bad parent — she wasn’t; she was usually very attentive when my sister and I were around the pool; she just looked away for a second that one time — or because she doesn’t think I would be able to remember something that happened to me when I was so young, so clearly I either dreamed it or made it up. It’s worth noting that she also doesn’t remember the time my sister fractured her finger at school when someone slammed a heavy steel door completely shut on it despite the fact that she was the one who rushed her to the hospital and insists it didn’t happen, even though my sister clearly remembers the trauma from that, too, so maybe she just doesn’t like to think of her kids getting hurt and refuses to acknowledge it ever happening.)

Spewing A Lot Of Hot Gas About This

, , , , | Right | August 17, 2017

(A man walks in, really frustrated.)

Man: “Do ANY of your fuel pumps work?”

Me: *stares at the other people outside using them, plus my screen which shows all green* “Um. Yes. All of them. Which one are you on?”

Man: “I’m on ten!”

Me: “Ten is operative.”

Man: “My wife just came in and it’s not working!”

Me: “Did she pre-pay?”

Man: “No!”

(Unsure of why it was then relevant to mention it, I relent.)

Me: “Well, sir, I’ll come out and we’ll see why it’s not working for you!”

Man: “Good!”

(We walk out and he lifts the nozzle, selects the grade, and tries to pump.)

Man: “See! It’s BROKEN!”

Me: “Actually, sir, you didn’t scan your loyalty card. See the screen? It says to scan it, first.”

Man: “WHY?!”

Me: “It’s part of the process.”

Man: “This is RIDICULOUS! So how do I pump fuel?! I don’t have one of these cards!”

Me: “Well, you can come inside and prepay.”

Man: “This is stupid! You don’t even SAVE anything on your gas! ”

Me: “Sir, you save at least $0.03 a gallon with the card or $0.10 for every $50 you spend in our store.”

Man: “Uh. I’m an INTERNATIONAL BUSINESSMAN! I know these things and yeah, that is just a FLUKE! You don’t save anything!”

(Never mind what he said made no sense. We get inside to pay.)

Me: “So how much do you want to prepay?”

Man: “Six dollars. Where do I BUY one of those cards anyway?”

Me: “They are free at customer service across the lot at our main store.”

Man: “Yeah. I’m not doing that.”

Me: “Here, I will scan this courtesy card so you’ll save $0.03 off per gallon anyway.”

Man: “Why do you have to scan that card first anyway?”

Me: “Because if we didn’t, people could pump gas and drive off without paying and we have no way of finding them. With the card, if anyone drives off, we have their address and number and we can find them and collect.”

Man: “Oh.”

(And I ring him up and hand him his receipt.)

Man: “Yeah. I’ll pump that six dollars and put the rest of my gas on my credit card.”

(The man walked out and I burst out laughing. After six dollars, he was back to square one, got angry, and drove off.)

“Winter Is Coming” Could Not Prepare You For This

, , , , , | Right | August 16, 2017

Customer: “I would like to sit outside.”

Me: “I’m afraid our outdoor dining area is closed for the winter.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “It’s too cold and snowy.”

Customer: “Well, last time I was here I sat outside and had the most fun feeding the ducks. Can you bring them in?”

Me: “Those are wild ducks from the park.”

Customer: “Yes, bring them inside.”

Me: “I can’t bring wild animals inside. Besides, they aren’t around in the winter.”

Customer: “Well, fix it or I’ll have you fired! Give me someone to complain to!”

Manager: “I can give you the number of the biology department of the local high school. Maybe they can explain winter and the migratory patterns of wild ducks.”

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