Getting A Sinking Feeling About This

, , , , | Right | October 17, 2017

Customer: “Should I put gravel in my fish tank before or after the water?”

Me: “It’s a little easier to get the water level where you want to be it by putting the gravel in first. Aside from that, it doesn’t really matter.”

Customer: “Well, I already put water in. So, if I get this gravel…” *picks out a small bag* “…and try to put it in now, will it sink?”

Me: “Er, yes. Gravel’s just a bunch of small rocks.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know anything about this; I’m new to fish tanks. You’re sure it’s not just going to float?”

Me: “It’s a bag of rocks, ma’am. Rocks sink.”

Customer: “I’m new to this! You’re sure that it won’t float?”

(She continued to ask at least five more times throughout the rest of the conversation whether or not gravel sinks in water. She still didn’t seem to believe me by the time she left.)

In The Zombie Apocalypse They Will Let You Down And Desert You

, , , , , , , | Related | October 16, 2017

(I’m watching “The Walking Dead” with my mom when the main character takes a spill.)

Me: “So, if he tumbles over, does that make him a… Rick Roll?”

Mom: *turns and looks at me, deadpan* “I don’t know you.”

(A few minutes later, after a death fake-out where he ends up saving his lady friend:)

Me: “I guess he’s never gonna give her up? He certainly didn’t let her down!”

Mom: *sighs* “I wonder if it’s possible to un-birth one of your children…”

Their Vegetarianism Is Total Turkey

, , , , , , | Working | October 16, 2017

(It’s mid-November, and everyone and their cousin is in the store buying food for their Thanksgiving dinner. I’m manning the register, desperately trying to keep up with endless line of people, when a customer comes up with one of our frozen turkeys in his cart.)

Customer: “Hi, can I ask you a question?”

Me: *glances at the five person line* “Sure.”

Customer “Great. I’m having some friends over for Thanksgiving, and two of them are vegetarian.”

Me: “Okay. What’s your question?”

Customer: *he points to the frozen turkey* “Is turkey vegetarian?”

Me: *blinks a few times* “Well, I imagine it WAS vegetarian, sir.”

Customer: “Okay, thanks.”

(He turns and heads back into the store.)

Customer Behind Him: “Did that—?”

Me: “Yes. Now, how can I help you?”

Will Only Accept Five-Eighths Of The Colonoscopy

, , , , , | Related | October 13, 2017

(This is at the tail end of a LOOONG list of very strange specifications that my grandpa has given my mom when she shops for his groceries. Mom can’t help but regale me with them, and I think this gem sticks out among the rest.)

Mom: “And then he was very emphatic on me just getting five eighths of a pound of meat.”

Me: “Not a half a pound or anything? Five eighths?!”

Mom: “Five. Eighths.”

Me: “FFFIIIVE EIGHTHS.”

Mom: “He wouldn’t take anything else.”

Me: “I think you should schedule a colonoscopy for him, because he’s getting pretty anal!”

Sliding Translation

, , , , , | Right | October 13, 2017

(I am a high-schooler who works as a lifeguard over the summer. I have many stories that I could tell, but the worst starts when a woman goes down the slide on her stomach, which you aren’t allowed to do. I call her over and try to tell her this, but she keeps acting confused and talking to me in another language. I have seen her talking to a kid, so I call him over.)

Me: “Hi there. Do you speak English?”

Kid: *confused* “Yes.”

Me: “Do you know this woman?”

Kid: *still confused* “Yes. She’s my mom.”

Me: “Great! I was wondering if you could translate for me?”

Kid: *even more confused* “Okay.”

Me: “Could you please tell her that she isn’t supposed to go down the slide on her stomach, and ask her to please not do it again?”

(The kid relayed the message in their language, still looking very confused. The woman nodded, and they both went back to the pool. On a hunch, I checked later with my friend who worked at the entrance to the pool. Apparently, he and the woman had a nice little chat, in English, on her way into the pool. I hope she had a great time explaining to her son why he’d had to translate for her!)

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