It Was A Vampire; A Little Bird Told Me

, , , , , | Friendly | October 31, 2017

(It’s summer. We are visiting some friends out in the country for a picnic. There are kids, ages four, seven, and eight, running around playing, when all of a sudden they come running over, screaming and crying.)

Me: “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Four-Year-Old: “The vampire just tried to eat us!”

Me: “What do you mean, a vampire tried to eat you?”

Eight-Year-Old: “We ran around to the side of the house, and a vampire jumped down and tried to get us!”

Me: “Vampires aren’t real. Also, it’s the middle of the day. Even if they were real, they only come out at night.”

(I go to investigate, anyway. The second I step to where the porch ends along the side of the house, a pair of blackbirds dive-bomb me. I see a nest up in the supports and quickly leave, realizing I just upset a couple of parents eager to protect their babies.)

Seven-Year-Old: “See? It was a vampire! We told you!”

Me: “It wasn’t a vampire, but don’t go over there unless you want to get attacked by angry birds.”

Eight-Year-Old: “That’s how they come out in the day! At night, they turn into bats, but in the day they turn into birds!”

(No matter how much I tried to convince them otherwise, they were still convinced that they had been attacked by vampire birds. At least it kept them from going near the nest.)

Unfiltered Story #99112

, | Unfiltered | October 31, 2017

(After a couple years of not being able to go to counseling for my various issues, I am trying out a new practice with my new insurance. This occurs during the initial interview with the Physician’s Assistant who is supposed to help me choose a counselor.)

Me: “And I sometimes feel like, whatever decision I make, it will be the wrong one, just because I made it…”

PA (without looking up from her notes): “Oh, don’t feel like that.”

Me: “Um, I’m sorry?”

PA: “You shouldn’t feel like that. It’s not helpful.” *finally looking up at me* “So what were you saying?”

(That was the last time I went to that office. I have to wonder how many years of schooling this woman had under her belt, and still somehow thought it was a brilliant idea to tell someone with severe depression and anxiety that all their problems would be solved if they just “don’t feel like that”!)

Couldn’t Let That Fluttershy Just Flutter By

, , , , , , | Romantic | October 28, 2017

(I’m sitting in the bedroom, listening to my husband play a video game in the next room. It’s a space flight game, and uses a “frame ship drive” to jump between star systems. Because of the voice they used for the computer, it always sounds like “friendship drive” to us. I love puns and wordplay.)

Me: “Hey, hon?”

Husband: *from next room* “Yeah?”

Me: “Your game needs its own show: My Little Spaceship: Frame Ship is Science.”

Husband: *laughs*

Your Reasoning Cuts No Ice With Me

, , , , , , | Working | October 28, 2017

(Thanks to problems with my fillings, I can’t eat or drink really cold substances or I’ll get tremendous aches. I ask for most drinks to be prepared without ice. Most places have no problem with this.)

Me: *giving order* “And could I get a large [Soda], without ice?”

Cashier: *glares at me* “Fine.”

(I’m a bit taken aback by the sudden hostility, but I shrug it off. She finishes the order, then proceeds to fill up the cup halfway with [Soda] before trying to hand it to me.)

Me: “Um, this is only half-full.”

Cashier: *still glaring* “That’s what you get when you remove the ice.”

Me: “No. I paid for a cup of soda without ice. That means I should get a full cup.”

Cashier:No! You’re just trying to get soda for free! Just take it!”

(After she chanted, “Take it!” a couple of times, one of her coworkers came up with the rest of my order, wordlessly pulled the cup out of her hand, filled it up, and handed it off to me. I would have taken it up with the manager, but I was running late. I will note that I haven’t seen her working there when I’ve gone back since.)

Still In The Closet

, , , , , , | Related | October 27, 2017

(When I am seven years old, I somehow manage to lock myself in my parents’ closet while my mom is taking a nap on the couch. Instead of banging or screaming, I decide to make a little nest for myself with my mother’s clothes and take a nap myself on the closet floor. A few hours later, I hear my mom frantically screaming for me and tearing the house apart looking for me, when finally the closet door flies open.)

Mom: “What were you doing in here?!”

Me: “I was playing hide and seek with [Imaginary Friend], and I accidentally locked myself in here.”

Mom: “Why didn’t you call for help? I would have come and got you!”

Me: “You were asleep. I didn’t want to scare you.”

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