I Used To Be A Weird Husband, But Then I Took An Arrow To The Knee

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 3, 2019

(My husband is not a gamer, but he really likes watching me use my PlayStation because he enjoys my adventures. It should be noted that in “Dragon Age: Origins,” my character is married to Alistair, who looks and acts a bit like my husband. Currently, I’m playing “Skyrim.” My Dragonborn is married to Farkas, a sweet-natured but somewhat dim hunk of muscle who looks kind of like the Winter Soldier, and I’m walking around our house because I can’t find him.)

Me: “That’s weird; he’s usually right here at the fire, cooking. Or sometimes he’s asleep in the bed.”

Husband: “Maybe he ran off with your housecarl.”

Me: “I don’t think he’s smart enough to come up with that.”

(I finally try the last possible room, which is where my alchemy table is located, and I just have to stop and stare. A glitch has Farkas sitting down INSIDE the alchemy table, so that his head and shoulders are protruding from the top.)

Farkas: “Yes, love?”

Husband: *after a pause* “This is weirder than anything Alistair’s ever done, and I didn’t know that was possible.”

Me: “What I hear you saying is that I have weird taste in husbands.”

Husband: “Obviously.”

Going Against His Personal Prints-iples

, , , , , , | Working | January 2, 2019

Our floor has two small commercial printers that serve all the department offices. One is located near the cubicles where temp workers and contractors are set up. It’s the closest for me, but lately, I had noticed that when I went to print documents, they wouldn’t always be there when I got to the printer. I put in a ticket with IT and found several other people had done so, as well. IT struggled to troubleshoot over the week, trying to figure out why the printer showed that it was printing documents, but hadn’t done so. The problem was inconsistent and seemed to come and go at random, and IT struggled to replicate it over the next few weeks. Eventually, they rerouted all documents to the far side of the floor, which was annoying.

One morning, IT asked to use my laptop to send a test document to the printer, trying to replicate the issue. He set up the laptop next to the printer to work. A moment later, I heard raised voices.

Apparently, the moment the document came hot off of the printer, the temp in the adjoining cubicle reached out, grabbed it, and threw it in his trash can! When we all came out of offices to see the issue, the IT guy was yelling at the temp for throwing out the paper, while the temp was angrily yelling at the IT guy for not fixing “his printer” from printing out random documents.

Turns out that whenever the temp was there, if he heard the printer start, he was throwing out the document as he thought it was his personal printer and didn’t want anything else printing from it. He only worked fifteen hours a week, explaining why the problem seemed to come and go. Because he had thrown out documents that needed to be shredded, and because he was so belligerent about it, he was let go from the company. Our printer was fine afterward.

That’s Not Chicken In The Pho…

, , , , , | Friendly | January 1, 2019

(My roommate is reading news stories on her phone while I am in the bathroom, a couple of rooms away.)

Roommate: “Hey, there’s going to be a Vietnamese pigeon in [Neighborhood Near Us] soon!”

Me: “What?!” *suddenly realizes* “Oh, wait. Did you say a Vietnamese kitchen? Like a place where you get food?”

Roommate: “Yes, of course! What did you think I said?”

Me: “I heard Vietnamese pigeon! I was trying to figure out how they were different than pigeons in the rest of the world, and why we were getting one in [Neighborhood]!”

Roommate: “I worry about you sometimes, girl.”

(Yeah, me, too… In my defense, at least the words sound similar?)

For Some Customers It’s Either All Or Nothing

, , , , , | Right | December 29, 2018

(We have two types of coupons in our store, a certain number of dollars off and percent off. No matter how you do it, dollars-off coupons will always come off before percent off coupons. It scans this way no matter what order you put them in and it says on every coupon. A woman comes up to my customer service desk.)

Customer: “Excuse me, why didn’t I get 30% off my total?”

Me: “Well, your total was $0. You had a dollars-off coupon that came off first and so you didn’t owe anything.”

Customer: “But I wanted to use my 30%.”

Me: “Well, the system won’t let you. 30% off zero is still zero.”

Customer: “No, re-ring the order and don’t use the dollars-off coupon so I can use my thirty percent.”

(I do this even though it makes no sense since she is literally now paying money instead of owing nothing.)

Me: “Okay, your total today is $15.00.”

Customer: “Much better.”

(Still not sure how spending $15 is better than spending nothing.)

Checking You Out When You’re Checking Him Out

, , , , , | Right Romantic | December 27, 2018

(It is the holiday season. My shift ends in ten minutes and I just want it to end without incident. My male boss is at the cash register next to me; I’m female. A middle-aged man comes up to the counter; he’s a bit annoying, but seems relatively harmless. He pays and leaves, but comes back after my boss goes off to do other things. I am twenty, but not used to people hitting on me, as I look around fourteen.)

Me: “Hello again.”

Customer: “Just decided to get something else.”

Me: “All right. What was your phone number for the rewards card again?”

Customer: *provides number*

Me: “All ri—“

Customer: “Remember it. I’m free after seven.”

Me: *too creeped out to respond*

Customer: “It was a joke.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You’re supposed to laugh.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

(The transaction continues in silence until the computer prompts me to ask if the customer wants his receipt emailed. It does this at random.)

Me: *trying to continue smiling* “Would you be interested in having your receipts and coupons sent directly to your email?”

Customer: “No, but I’ll happily give you my email.”

Me: *failing to continue smiling* “Please confirm the information on the screen. Okay. Your total is [total].”

(He hands me cash. I hand him change and accidentally drop some.)

Me: “Sorry!”

Customer: “Don’t worry; you can throw money at me anytime.” *leaves*

Me: *creeped out and speechless*

Next Customer: “I’ll give you a minute.”

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