Security Is Not Streets Ahead

, , , , , , | Learning | June 30, 2018

I live across the street from a pricey college campus. Two blocks up, on the corner, also directly across the street from the campus practice fields, is a convenience store. I stopped to fill up the car one night, and when I went in to pay, I discovered two college girls who didn’t feel safe to leave. Several guys in a van had been following them with the side door of the van opened, and two guys by that van side door.

The thing that really horrified me? They’d called Campus Security, and Campus Security refused to come get them because they weren’t actually on campus property, though they were right across the street from campus! I, of course, drove the girls back to their dorm. My husband was a college professor, so I knew the very pleasant and accessible president of the college. He and I had a conversation about campus safety the next day.

If I were paying tuition at that college and security wouldn’t come across the street to ensure my daughter’s safety, I think what I’d have said to the head of security might have set his ears on fire.

The Kicker? He Got A Job!

, , , , | Working | June 27, 2018

(We’ve received a shipment of boxes, which are in the process of being stacked in the storage area. As I walk past the delivery guy, I accidentally knock a box off the top of a precarious stack, and since there’s nothing fragile in it, I just kick it out of my way. I then hear a wolf-whistle, and turn to see the delivery guy grinning at me.)

Delivery Guy: “Hey, you kick boxes like a pro! If you ever want a job with [Large Delivery Service], let me know. I’ll put in a good word for you!”

Mayor Of Candyland Shouldn’t Mix Up His Candies

, , , , , , | Right | June 26, 2018

(I work in a pharmacy. I have a regular customer who is rather eccentric, and usually wears the same clothing: a raccoon fur cap — complete with tail — and a denim jacket covered in buttons and patches depicting his niche interests. He also usually rides a store-provided mobility scooter. This day, he comes in wearing a pinstripe suit, a faux velvet top hat, and a plastic pendant on a red ribbon of the sort you might find in a child’s Dracula Halloween costume. He is also walking with a cane, not riding the scooter. It’s the end of a long day, and his outfit is so different from usual that I don’t recognize him at first.)

Me: “Hello, sir. May I have your name?”

Regular: *stares at me for a second* “[Regular].”

Me: “Oh! Mr. [Regular]! Sorry, I didn’t recognize you at first. You’re wearing a different hat!”

(I pull up his profile on the computer while exchanging pleasantries.)

Me: “I’m afraid you don’t have any prescriptions ready. Was there one you were expecting?”

Regular: “I just thought I’d stop by and see if any of my automatic refills were ready.”

Me: “Well, let me see…”

(I look at the relevant page of his profile and see that all of his maintenance medications are indeed set to auto-fill, but it’s still a few weeks before they’re due to be filled again.)

Me: “Looks like you should be good for a while. You should get a call when your prescriptions are filled. Do we have your correct phone number on file?” *repeats number*

Regular: “Yep, that’s the one.”

Me: “All right, then you’ll get a call letting you know when your prescriptions are ready. Thanks for stopping by, Mr. [Regular]. It was good to see you!”

(The regular walks away, making quite the picture with his top hat and suit. The next customer in line comes up to my register and stares after the regular for a moment.)

Customer: “Is he the mayor of Candyland?!”

A Thicker Stack Of Bills For A Thicker Kind Of Person

, , , , , , | Working | June 25, 2018

(From the time we arrive until we leave at night we are required to have a manager in the store, which means that employees often have to do our running. We have had a bunch of large bills come through that I need broken, so I try to send a new employee to get change.)

Me: “Hey, I need you to run to the bank at the far end of the store and get 100 dollars in singles, and another hundred in fives and tens.”

(I hand him an envelope with two one-hundred dollar bills.)

Employee: “What’s this?”

Me: “It’s two hundred dollars. They’ll give you your change in a bank bag.”

Employee: “No, but, this is two hundred dollars.”

Me: “Yeah, do you need me to write down what money I need?”

Employee: “You need two hundred dollars.”

Me: “Right. Half in ones, the other half in five- and ten-dollar bills.”

Employee: “But this is two hundred dollars already?”

Me: “I need you to get me smaller bills.”

Employee: “I can get that, but then why do I need two hundred dollars?”

Me: “You are trading them.”

Employee: “For what?”

Me: *long pause* “You know what? Let me write down exactly what I need, and you just hand everything to the teller and bring me back what they give you, okay?”

(I wrote down my phone number in case there was confusion, but thankfully the tellers figured out what my employee couldn’t, and I got my change!)

The Teacher Is Prehistoric

, , , , , | Learning | June 25, 2018

(Tiny me was a huge dinosaur nerd, something I never quite outgrew, unlike most kids. In the fifth grade, we have a substitute teacher who is impressed with my dinosaur knowledge, so she decides to ask me about it.)

Substitute: “What’s your favorite dinosaur?”

Me: “Allosaurus!”

Substitute: “You mean tyrannosaurus, right?”

Me: “No, I mean allosaurus.”

Substitute: “Allosaurus isn’t a real dinosaur. You must mean tyrannosaurus. All kids like tyrannosaurus.”

Me: “I don’t. I like allosaurus.”

Substitute: “I already told you, that’s not a real dinosaur, or it would have been in Jurassic Park!

(Yes, she said that.)

Me: “Yes, it is! There’s an entire rock formation full of them! It’s called the Morrison Formation! It eats one of your friends in Dino Crisis 2! There was one in Land of the Lost!

Substitute: “You’re clearly thinking of tyrannosaurus.”

(She wrote me up for talking back to her, and the teacher wasn’t too pleased when she found out that what I had done wrong was insist that allosaurus was an actual dinosaur and that tyrannosaurus was not my favorite. I’m not even sure why she thought allosaurus wasn’t a real dinosaur, since it’s one of the most well-known species and was discovered long before tyrannosaurus. About twenty years later, my favorite dinosaur is still the allosaurus, and I still think tyrannosaurus is overrated.)

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