That Transformed Into Something Wonderful

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 29, 2017

(I’m walking my dogs past a little boy and his mother at the park. I notice the boy’s eyes light up when he sees me, and at first I think it’s because he wants to pet my dogs, but then I realize he has the same exact cartoon character on his shirt as I do.)

Boy: “Mommy, she likes Optimus Prime, too! Can I marry her?”

(His mother was mortified, but I thought it was both adorable and hilarious.)

Breathe In And You’ll Be Cat-atonic

, , , | Friendly | August 24, 2017

([Friend #1] owns a cat named Jack the Ripper. Several other friends and I have gathered at her house for a movie night. During a lull in the film’s dialogue, we hear an extremely loud and impressively long fart. All of us look to see who’s doing it, and find out, with surprise, that it’s coming from the cat.)

Friend #1: “Oh, yeah, he does that sometimes.”

Friend #2: “Well, now we know why you call him ‘Jack the Ripper’…”

The Cake Was Not A Lie

, , , | Right | August 24, 2017

(When I was a little girl, my mother worked as a cake decorator in the bakery department of a well-known — on the east coast, anyway — grocery store chain. One of her coworkers is commissioned to make a birthday cake with an ice skating scene. The result is something my mom sings praises as the most gorgeous cake she has ever seen come out of that store complete with edible glitter to make the snow sparkle. Despite the fact that everyone agrees how beautiful the cake is and the fact that the customer says nothing when she comes to pick it up, she comes back to the store angry the next day to complain about it.)

Customer: “You put glitter on my cake!”

Coworker: “It’s edible glitter. It’s perfectly safe to eat.”

Customer: “There is no such thing as edible glitter!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, there is. If you want, I can go grab some and show you.”

Customer: “I had to completely scrape the top of the cake off just so we could eat it!”

Coworker: “You… scraped it?”

(The coworker wasn’t the only person who was devastated to learn that she had defaced the cake. My mom and all of their coworkers were similarly disheartened to learn that her gorgeous cake had been destroyed rather than enjoyed as intended.)

Reading Like They Were Born Yesterday

, , , , , , | Working | August 23, 2017

(I’ve just turned 21 and am at our local liquor store near our college, buying my first legal bottle of alcohol.)

Employee: “May I see your ID?”

Me: *dutifully hands over driver’s license and straightens up proudly*

Employee: *stares intently at the license for 10-15 seconds and hands it back*

My Friend: “Aren’t you going to wish him a happy birthday? He’s 21 today!”

Employee: “Oh, no sh**?! Happy birthday?” *grabs my license back* “Where’s the birth date on this thing, anyway?”

Can’t Table That Discussion

, , , , | Working | August 23, 2017

(I’m a waitress at a family restaurant. In this instance, I’m waiting on a couple whose food is taking a bit longer than expected — pushing 30 minutes when our normal turn-around is 10. Despite apologizing for the delay and asking how I can help, they’re looking more and more frustrated. The food finally comes out, and it isn’t up to the standards that I like when I serve my food, but the customers are hungry, so I risk it. I take it out to them, and they’re not pleased with the quality of one of the side dishes. I go to get a new one, and the kitchen is in the process of making a new batch. I already know this table is sick of waiting, and they would probably be upset when I tell them they need to wait even longer. I go to give my manager a head’s up. This particular manager is not the best with customer interaction despite being a great team member.)

Me: “Hey, table 16 had been waiting for their food for about half an hour, and when I finally took it out there, they weren’t pleased with the mashed potatoes. I went to get a new order from the kitchen, but they’re making a fresh batch. It’s going to take another 5 minutes. They were already upset with the original delay, I can’t go back out there and tell them they have to wait more. Will you please go talk to them?”

Manager: “If they haven’t complained yet, I’m not going to go talk to them.”

(I headed back out to the table and relayed the delay, visibly cringing and apologizing for the delay; lo and behold, they wanted to talk to a manager. I couldn’t help but smirk as I popped my head back in and told her that Table 16 requested to talk to her.)

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