Giving Them Something To Wine About

, , , , , | Working | August 20, 2018

(A day after attending a dinner party, I go into the liquor store to buy some wine that was served at the party. I did not actually drink the wine.)

Clerk: “Hi! Can I help you find anything?”

Me: “No, thanks. I’m just looking.”

(As the store is empty, the clerk seems bored. He follows me.)

Clerk: “Are you looking for a specific wine?”

Me: “Yes, but there’s no way you can help.”

Clerk: “Sure I can. Try me.”

Me: “I’m trying to find the wine my daughter-in-law served last night. I was told it was really good. I didn’t drink any and I didn’t see it poured, so I don’t know what it was called or even what kind of wine.”

Clerk: “Do you know the name?”

Me: “No, and I don’t know what kind it was. I never saw it poured.”

Clerk: “Was it red or white?”

Me: “As I said, I don’t know. I’m hoping I will recognize the bottle.”

Clerk: “I don’t think I can help you. What kind of wine do you like? I can recommend something.”

Me: “No, thanks. I just want to see if I can find this one.”

(The clerk wanders off, looking annoyed. I eventually recognize the bottle and grab some.)

Clerk: “Is this what you were looking for?”

Me: “Yes. I knew I would recognize the label even if I couldn’t describe it.”

Clerk: “Well, I could have found it for you if you would have told me it was [Brand] or even that it was Malbec. If you want help, you need to have some information to start.”

Me: “But I didn’t want help. I wanted to look.”

(He finished the rest of the transaction without commentary.)

Book Driving To A Good Place… Eventually

, , , , , | Hopeless | August 17, 2018

Me: “And would you like to purchase a book to donate to our holiday book drive?”

Customer #1: “Who’s getting them?”

Me: “The heart unit of [Local Children’s Hospital].”

Customer #1: “Oh, no, thanks. I mean, if it were [Cancer], I’d donate, but not just for that.”

Me: “Um… Okay. Have a nice day!”

([Customer #2] comes up.)

Me: “And would you like to–”

Customer #2: “GOD, NO! I just want to buy my stuff and get out of here, and not have you people trying to swindle me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I am required to ask these questions, and the books are going to the [Children’s Hospital]…”

Customer #2: “Not my problem. Just give me my receipt.”

Me: “Here you are. Have a nice day.”

Customer #2: “Shut up.”

(I just kind of stand there in shock for a minute until my next customer comes up. They have a basket full of books, and two giant deluxe-edition board games. I start ringing them up.)

Me: *kind of anxiously* “And would you be interested in donating?”

Customer #3: “Absolutely. I’d like to donate these books, and if you’d like to pick out five or six more from the display behind you, since I don’t really know what the kids are reading these days?”

Me: “Thank you; that’s very generous!”

Customer #3: “I heard those other two. Who thinks like that at Christmas? I want to donate these games, too, if you’re allowed to take them.”

Me: “That shouldn’t be a problem. Again, thank you!”

(Years later, I still remember that customer. Thank you for being the anti-Grinch!)

Best Response All Year

, , , | Right | August 17, 2018

(I’m working at a calendar kiosk when a male customer walks up.)

Customer: “I need a large calendar. I don’t care what’s on it; it just needs to be big.”

Me: “Any general preferences?”

Customer: “No, the pictures don’t matter at all, as long as it’s big enough.”

(I turn to the nearest shelf and grab the first oversized calendar I see; “365 Days of Fashionable Shoes.”)

Customer: *pauses and stares at it* “I deserve that.”

(He settled on a Nat Geo for himself, and got the shoe calendar for his girlfriend.)

Getting To The Real Meat Of The Matter

, , , , , | Right | August 16, 2018

(A customer, carrying a package of buns and his receipt, comes to the help desk:)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Do these contain meat?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Are these made with meat?”

(He shows me his receipt; the description of the buns states that they are “hamburger” buns.)

Me: “No, sir. The name description is only a suggested use, not an ingredient.”

(A second customer behind him, who overheard our conversation, was almost doubled over trying to contain his laughter, making it almost impossible for me to not lose it until the first customer left.)

The Dog Is Trained Better Than The Employee

, , , , , , | Working | August 15, 2018

(My dog has a vet appointment for vaccinations and some annual blood work. As a reward — or an apology — we go through a fast food drive-thru for some ice cream. She is an 80-pound mutt and, given her size, she is well-trained in social interactions.)

Drive-Thru: *automated recording* “Welcome to [Fast Food Place]. Did you know we serve breakfast all day? What can I get for you?”

Me: “Hi! Could I have a double bacon cheeseburger, plain, and a plain ice cream for my dog?”

Drive-Thru: *not automated* “Hold on! I’m not ready.”

Me: “Oh, sorry.”

Drive-Thru: “Okay, what did you want?”

Me: *repeats order*

Drive-Thru: “Okay, first window. Thank you.”

(I drive to the first window.)

Window: “Hi, you got the— Puppy! Oh, she’s so cute! Can I pet her?”

Me: “Uh, she’s actually not allowed to come to the driver’s side. Driving hazard.”

Window: “I just want to scratch her head!” *reaching in my car, in front of my face*

Me: “Sorry. She’s not going to come over.”

Window: *huffs* “Well, that’s not very nice. Your total is [total].”

Me: “Okay. Here’s my card.”

Window: “She’s so cute, though. Can’t you make an exception?”

Me: “No. I don’t want her coming over here because it’s dangerous if I’m driving.”

Window: “But you’re not driving.”

Me: “No? Is this not the drive-thru?

Window: “Fine!”

(The woman reached out to hand back my card and “accidentally” dropped it between my car and the building; I had to move forward and walk back to get it. When I looked at my receipt, there was a “survey” I could take at the bottom. You can guess how that review went!)

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