Tie Down Your Self Esteem

, , , | Learning | August 31, 2017

(In my senior year of high school, I am part of the delegation from my school which participates in the county-wide choir. Prior to the concert, the host school provides a nice meal for the participants. It’s a standing tradition in the choir that during this meal, the boys have an “ugly tie contest,” with the cheers of the onlookers deciding the winner. For reasons that were never adequately explained, I have “inherited” the role of judge from the person who did it last year. As the contest is proceeding, three of the boys from my own school suddenly come running in, two of the boys carrying the third on their shoulders. All I can see, as the crowd starts getting more and more frantic, is that the tie the third boy is wearing has little squares stuck to it. They finally set him down and one of the boys – with whom I’ve been friends since first grade – proudly announces what’s going on.)

Classmate: “It’s covered with pictures of [My Name]!”

(Sure enough, they have photocopied yearbooks from the last few years and plastered this tie with my school photos from eighth, ninth, tenth, and eleventh grades. All I can do is stare, speechless, as the tie covered in MY FACE is loudly declared the absolute ugliest tie in the contest. Later, my old friend realizes just how upset I am.)

Classmate: “It’s not because it was pictures of you, [My Name]. It’s because it was pictures of the judge. We cooked up the plan before it was announced that you were the judge.”

(I understood the logic and let it go, since I knew him well enough to know that this wasn’t done to hurt me. We’re still friends 20 years later. That said, the incident didn’t exactly do wonders for my self-esteem.)

Watch Your Career Go Up In Smoke

, , , , | Working | August 31, 2017

(The first shift for a new hire is always spent one-on-one with a manager, training. I’m working with one new hire, and we are a little over an hour into his first training shift.)

New Employee: “Hey, I’m going to grab a break.”

Me: “I don’t have you scheduled for a break for another hour.”

New Employee: “But I’m already overdue for my first break!”

Me: “Your first break? You are only scheduled for four hours. You only get one twenty minute paid break.”

New Employee: “The law says I get more than that!”

Me: “No, that’s actually more than we have to give you legally.”

New Employee: “But I’m a smoker! I get smoke breaks.”

Me: “You only get the one break.”

New Employee: “You’re probably too young to remember. Back when George W. was in office, he signed a law. Said you have to give smokers a break every hour.”

Me: “Uh, no.”

New Employee: “No, seriously you’re breaking the law. I could have you arrested.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll send an email to HR about this, but for now we will go by my break schedule.”

(I sent an email to HR, CC’ing the employee. I know the HR person, so I got a rather confused text on my phone asking if the employee was serious. I said he was. She sent me and the employee a dry response, saying that smokers are not a protected class, and copying the employee manual on break policy. However, if he could provide proof that smoke breaks are legally required, they would reconsider. A month later, I fired the employee after he set off the smoke detector while trying to sneak a cigarette in the employee bathroom while on shift. He still claimed those smoke breaks were his legal right!)

Unfiltered Story #92752

, , | Unfiltered | August 30, 2017

(I’m doing a trash run at my store. I’m already in a rotten mod because the trash room is overflowing, the third shift crew ignored it…again, and the trash collectors won’t come until the next day…maybe. I have one can left to change, an outside double can with trash on one side and recycling on the other. My rotten mood turns absolutely foul on seeing that the can apparently hasn’t been touched for twelve hours, and is absolutely overflowing. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there are three bags of trash piled on TOP of the can! They look like they’re full of plastic bags. As I’m fuming and trying to decide the best way to clean up the mess, a coworker comes out for her smoke break. She takes one look, and comes over to help. She picks up one of the bags on top of the can….)

Coworker: “Oh. These are diapers. These are full of dirty diapers.”

Me: “Are you serious?!”

Coworker: “Oh, yeah. *picks up the other bags* These are all full of dirty diapers.”

(Yeah…some lazy, ignorant PIG thought our trash can would make a great diaper pail! It took four trips to empty the can, two trips per side.)

You Need Betta Friends

, , , , | Friendly | August 29, 2017

(I have a cat, a 50-gallon saltwater aquarium, and a 5-gallon aquarium containing only a single betta fish, who is the pride of my fish collection. A family emergency requires me to be away from home unexpectedly for a month, so I call in what I think is a trusted friend to watch my pets and my house for me while I’m away. On my way home, I get a text from said friend.)

Friend: “I got you a surprise! I can’t wait until you see it when you get back!”

(I arrive back at home and find, to my horror, that my house is trashed, my cat is missing, the heater to the saltwater aquarium has been unplugged, and most of the fish have subsequently died in the cold winter weather. My betta is dead and there is another one in his tank that has badly shredded fins, indicating that they have fought to the death. Furious, and frantically searching for my cat, I call my friend over.)

Me: “What the h*** happened?! Most of my fish are dead and my cat is missing!”

Friend: “What are you talking about? Your pets are fine.”

Me: “Why is the heater to the saltwater tank unplugged?!”

Friend: “The water felt too warm, so I thought I’d let it cool down a little so they don’t cook to death.”

Me: “They’re tropical fish! The house is cold! The water was just right for them!”

(I drag her over to the betta tank.)

Me: “And what is this?!”

Friend: “That’s your surprise! The tank looked so empty with only one fish in it, so I got him a friend!”

Me: “They’re called fighting fish for a reason! They don’t make friends! You just killed my favorite fish! And where’s my cat?!”

Friend: “I thought you said you re-homed the cat?”

Me: “No, I said the cat was somewhere around the home! She should be here, but she’s not!”

Friend: “Well, I’m so sorry you weren’t clear about that. But you know what? I don’t have to sit here and take you yelling at me, when all I did was try to help you take better care of your pets. I’m leaving, and don’t ever call me for help again!”

Me: “Oh, trust me, I won’t. I value my pets’ lives too much!”

(I couldn’t save the rest of my saltwater fish, as they were all too sickly from the negligent care and died while I tried to rehabilitate them. The other betta I did manage to save, though once its fins started to grow back I realized that it was the ugliest colored fish I’d ever seen. As horrible as it may sound, I couldn’t help but wish that my fish had been the winner. I also found out from a mutual friend that my house had been trashed because she’d been throwing weekly parties without telling me, and that no one thought to call me because she led them to believe I’d given her permission. I also found out that my cat had escaped the house during one of the parties to get away from the noise. Fortunately, my neighbors had found her pleading to come inside during a snowstorm and were taking care of her until I got home, so I got her back. As for my “friend”, we never speak to each other anymore, and quite frankly, I’m happy for that.)

Mother Of The Fear

, , , , | Related | August 29, 2017

(It’s the last period of the day, and when we get to class, we see that our normally all-natural teacher has her hair in lopsided pigtails, and her face made up to look like something I can only describe as Effie Trinket if she were moonlighting as Jared Leto’s Joker.)

Us: “Uh, what’s up with your face today?”

Teacher: “My five-year-old daughters woke up early this morning and decided to help me get ready for work by doing my hair and makeup…”

(We have to at least give her props for being such a mother of the year that she’d go to work looking that terrifying to make her daughters happy, and stay like that the entire day.)

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