Never Shopping Here, Starting Tomorrow!

, , , , | Right | January 5, 2018

(It is a quiet Saturday afternoon, a few weeks before Father’s Day. I work in the men’s department so my register is supposed to get boxes for customers, but they haven’t come yet. A woman approaches my register with at least four big bags of already purchased items.)

Customer: “Do you have any boxes down here so I can get stuff wrapped?”

Me: “No, unfortunately, but they do have them upstairs at customer service.”

Customer: *in disgust* “UGH! How ridiculous! Such horrible service! This is why I never shop here!”

(She walked out of the store and I chuckled to myself. How was it that she had four bags of items if she ‘never shops here’?)

An Unbelievable Amount Of Believability

, , , , , , , , | Learning | January 5, 2018

(My history teacher senior year has been funny and easy-going all year. It’s two months until graduation, and he is starting to get tired of the “senioritis” going around.)

Teacher: “From now on, if I see a cell phone out, I am collecting it in this box. And once a week, I will choose one cell phone out of the box and smash it against the wall!”

(About a week goes by as normal. Then, one day, in the middle of watching a movie, the teacher turns it off.)

Teacher: “I have had enough of this! I have told, and told, and told this class. I am sick of telling this class that I do not want to see your phones out. I’m done.” *picks up the box from his desk* “Phones. In this box. Now.”

(He goes around the room, and everyone who has their phone out puts it in the box.)

Teacher: *getting back to his desk* “Are you finding this funny? Would you find it even funnier if I just dumped these in the garbage can?” *picks up a phone and holds it over the garbage can* “Would that just make your day?”

Student #1: “You won’t do it!”

Teacher: “Won’t I?”

Student #2: “You won’t do it!”

Teacher: “I could just take these and start throwing them in here. Would that be funny to you?”

Student #1: “Well, you’re not going to do it, so…”

(Instead of dropping the phone, the teacher spins around and flings it at the wall. It breaks and falls to the floor in pieces.)

Teacher: “Was that funny?”

Student #1: “Dude, that was my phone!”

Teacher: “Did you find that amusing?”

Student #1: “You broke my phone, you a**hole!”

Teacher: “Get out! Get out of this classroom, now! Just get out of my sight!”

Student #1: “I don’t want to be here, anyway!”

(He runs out of the room and slams the door. Everything is completely silent for a moment.)

Teacher: “[Student #3], would you come here a minute?”

Student #3: *does so, looking confused because he’s been cooperative this whole time*

Teacher: “Remember back in September when I told you I could get you to believe something completely unbelievable?”

(By now the teacher was grinning like a fool. The student who left came back into the room, also grinning. He was in on it, as was another student who brought in an old cell phone for use in the prank. After explaining this, the teacher didn’t go back to teaching, but let us talk for the rest of the class. I guess he was having some “end of year fever,” too!)

Crazy Hungry Love

, , , , , , | Romantic | January 5, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are discussing a Facebook post wherein a guy referred to his girlfriend as “Butterscotch.”)

Boyfriend: “I promise never to call you ‘Thingamajig.’ Or ‘Butterfinger.’ Or ‘Lollipop.’ Because calling your girlfriend a food item sounds pretty degrading.”

Me: *interjecting* “Belgian Waffle.”

Boyfriend: “You’re likening someone you say you love to something you chew up into tiny bits, swallow, suck out everything good left in it, and excrete out 24 hours later.” *pause* “Buttermilk Pancake.”

Me: “Green bean.”

Boyfriend: “Crab Cake.”

Me: “Tater tot.”

Boyfriend: “Cheese biscuit.”

Me: “Okay, we could do this literally forever.”

Boyfriend: “We could!”

Me: “Let’s not.”

Boyfriend: “Okay, Bacon Cheeseburger.”

(To his credit, he did actually stop after that last one.)

Laptop Pop

, , , , , | Related | January 3, 2018

(I’m visiting my family, including my recently retired father.)

Dad: “My laptop is broken and your brother won’t help me get a new one. Can you help?”

Me: “Sure. What’s your budget?”

Dad: “I don’t know. Whatever laptops cost.”

Me: “Well, we can get you something very basic around $200 or $300, or the sky is the limit.”

Dad: “I don’t want a basic one; I want a good one!”

Me: “Well, if you want Apple, that will be more than a PC.”

Dad: “Whichever. I don’t care.”

Me: “Well, what do you want to do with the laptop?”

Dad: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, are you going to browse the Internet? Do your taxes? Watch movies? Play games? Are you going to take it with you frequently, or use it mostly at home? If you could make me a list of everything you want to do using the computer, I can find a laptop that suits your needs.”

Dad: “I don’t know! Maybe I want to do all of that! Maybe I want to just check email. Just show me a laptop!”

(I go online and find five different laptops in different price ranges to show him.)

Dad: “Why are these so different?! The prices are all different!”

Me: “Well, I don’t know what you need, so I just picked a few high-rated laptops.”

Dad: “This doesn’t help me at all! I just need you to find the right laptop for me!”

Me: “Dad… I don’t think I can help you.”

Dad: “Great, so, both my sons won’t help me!”

(The funny thing is that Dad has a degree in computer science from back in the era of DOS, so he should have some concept at least that computers come in a range.)

Transcanine

, , , , , | Friendly | January 3, 2018

(I’m meeting with some friends of mine to show them my new puppy. [Friend #1] just recently came out to us as a trans man and [Friend #2] has been going above and beyond to make him feel more comfortable.)

Friend #1: “Your puppy’s so adorable!”

Me: “Thanks! His name is Simon.”

Friend #2: “Did you just assume the dog’s gender?!”

(We both stare at her.)

Friend #1: “He’s a German shepherd, [Friend]. I don’t think he really cares what his gender is.”

(Thankfully, now that she’s beginning to figure out that [Friend #1] doesn’t actually take offense to every little thing that might supposedly sound transphobic like “assuming” an animal’s gender, [Friend #2] is becoming less overzealous about protecting his feelings.)

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