(During a Saturday full of errands, the roommate and I decide to treat ourselves to lunch out. The waitress gets our drinks right, but the food is where the fun begins…)

Me: “The taco salad looks good, but it comes in that big fried tortilla bowl. No bueno.”

Roommate: “They have the [menu item]. Same stuff as the taco salad, but no bowl, and it’s even a dollar cheaper.”

Me: “Perfect!”

(When the waitress arrives, I order the [menu item] by name, even pointing it out on the page to be sure I’m talking about the right thing. My roommate orders a sandwich, with no mayo, which she doesn’t care for. A few minutes later, when the food arrives…)

Me: “Well, hello there, giant tortilla bowl. I could’ve sworn…”

Roommate: “And there’s mayo on my sandwich.”

(We flag down the waitress.)

Me: “Excuse me, but I ordered—”

Waitress: “That’s what you ordered, hon.” *walks away*

Roommate: “Okay, then. Not even going to bring mine up.”

(The salad is good, most of the mayo wipes off the sandwich, and we think all is well. Until, foolish people that we are, we decide to have dessert…)

Me: *to waitress, pointing at the tabletop ad for the pie-of-the-month special* “This strawberry pie looks good. Can I have a slice, please? And that’s going to be everything, so if you can bring the check, too, that’s great.”

(My pie and the check come together, and I am just enjoying my first bite when…)

Roommate: “They charged us for the wrong pie.”

Me: “Seriously?!”

Roommate: “Yep. Look right there. Strawberry cream pie.”

Me: “Which this definitely isn’t. At least we were only charged for the salad I ordered, not the one I got?”

(After finishing the pie, we go to the register to pay.)

Me: “Hi, there was actually a mistake on my bill. I ordered the strawberry pie, but I’m being charged for the strawberry cream pie. Can I get that adjusted, please?”

Cashier: “Ugh, really? It’s only 70 cents difference, you know.”

Me: *holding very firmly onto my temper* “I would like it adjusted, please.”

Cashier: “Fine. I’ll need a manager for that. Wait just a moment.”

(The manager arrives, and while keying in his override…)

Manager: “It’s only 70 cents difference, you know.”

(I have had enough.)

Me: “Yes, I’m well aware of that. However, it’s 70 cents difference on an item I didn’t want, didn’t order, and didn’t get. Your waitress also got both our entrees wrong, which was more than a little frustrating. Please just fix the check so that it reflects what I should be paying for what I got.”

Manager: *muttering* “All this fuss over 70 cents…”

(I was incredibly tempted to go back to our table and tip the waitress exactly 70 cents.)

(It’s summer. We are visiting some friends out in the country for a picnic. There are kids, ages four, seven, and eight, running around playing, when all of a sudden they come running over, screaming and crying.)

Me: “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Four-Year-Old: “The vampire just tried to eat us!”

Me: “What do you mean, a vampire tried to eat you?”

Eight-Year-Old: “We ran around to the side of the house, and a vampire jumped down and tried to get us!”

Me: “Vampires aren’t real. Also, it’s the middle of the day. Even if they were real, they only come out at night.”

(I go to investigate, anyway. The second I step to where the porch ends along the side of the house, a pair of blackbirds dive-bomb me. I see a nest up in the supports and quickly leave, realizing I just upset a couple of parents eager to protect their babies.)

Seven-Year-Old: “See? It was a vampire! We told you!”

Me: “It wasn’t a vampire, but don’t go over there unless you want to get attacked by angry birds.”

Eight-Year-Old: “That’s how they come out in the day! At night, they turn into bats, but in the day they turn into birds!”

(No matter how much I tried to convince them otherwise, they were still convinced that they had been attacked by vampire birds. At least it kept them from going near the nest.)

(I’m sitting in the bedroom, listening to my husband play a video game in the next room. It’s a space flight game, and uses a “frame ship drive” to jump between star systems. Because of the voice they used for the computer, it always sounds like “friendship drive” to us. I love puns and wordplay.)

Me: “Hey, hon?”

Husband: *from next room* “Yeah?”

Me: “Your game needs its own show: My Little Spaceship: Frame Ship is Science.”

Husband: *laughs*

(Thanks to problems with my fillings, I can’t eat or drink really cold substances or I’ll get tremendous aches. I ask for most drinks to be prepared without ice. Most places have no problem with this.)

Me: *giving order* “And could I get a large [Soda], without ice?”

Cashier: *glares at me* “Fine.”

(I’m a bit taken aback by the sudden hostility, but I shrug it off. She finishes the order, then proceeds to fill up the cup halfway with [Soda] before trying to hand it to me.)

Me: “Um, this is only half-full.”

Cashier: *still glaring* “That’s what you get when you remove the ice.”

Me: “No. I paid for a cup of soda without ice. That means I should get a full cup.”

Cashier: “No! You’re just trying to get soda for free! Just take it!”

(After she chanted, “Take it!” a couple of times, one of her coworkers came up with the rest of my order, wordlessly pulled the cup out of her hand, filled it up, and handed it off to me. I would have taken it up with the manager, but I was running late. I will note that I haven’t seen her working there when I’ve gone back since.)

(When I am seven years old, I somehow manage to lock myself in my parents’ closet while my mom is taking a nap on the couch. Instead of banging or screaming, I decide to make a little nest for myself with my mother’s clothes and take a nap myself on the closet floor. A few hours later, I hear my mom frantically screaming for me and tearing the house apart looking for me, when finally the closet door flies open.)

Mom: “What were you doing in here?!”

Me: “I was playing hide and seek with [Imaginary Friend], and I accidentally locked myself in here.”

Mom: “Why didn’t you call for help? I would have come and got you!”

Me: “You were asleep. I didn’t want to scare you.”