Beerly Survived That One

, , , , | Working | January 15, 2019

(I’m at a festival, buying items from a merchant.)

Me: “Do you take cards?”

Merchant: *takes my card* “I take them, but I don’t give them back. Have a nice day.” *turns and steps into his tent, then returns a moment later with a sigh* “You’re going to want this back, aren’t you?”

Me: “Well, I haven’t had any food yet.”

Merchant: *starts processing payment* “Food? Who needs food? Food’s overrated!”

Me: “I haven’t had any beer yet, either.”

Merchant: “Fair enough. I’ll have mercy on you. Food, you can live without, but beer is a necessity.”

(I took my purchase and my card, and went to get some food and beer.)

Chair Unfair

, , , | Right | January 9, 2019

(I work at a furniture store and once a week, all the customers’ orders come in on one big truck. My coworker calls the customers to tell them that their orders have arrived. While on the floor, I receive this call.)

Customer: “You called me saying my order was in.”

Me: “Okay. What can we do for you, ma’am?”

Customer: “I didn’t order anything!”

Me: *looking up her order by the phone number* “Ma’am, I have an order for one chair, placed on [date]. Is that correct?”

Customer: “NO! That’s not mine.”

Me: “Oh, I see the problem, ma’am. It seems as though another customer put the wrong phone number in when they placed their order.”

Customer: “But I don’t want to pay for it!”

Me: “Ma’am, you weren’t charged for anything. You did not pay for this chair. Another customer did, and you accidentally received the call. We’re so sorry for the confusion.”

Customer: “Okay, so… can I have the chair?”

Me: “No, ma’am. The order goes to the customer who paid for it.”

We’ll Assume He Got Up In The Afternoon

, , , , , , | Related | January 9, 2019

(My husband is singing nursery rhymes to our eighteen-month-old son. He starts singing:)

Husband: “It’s raining, it’s pouring! The old man is snoring. He went to bed and bumped his head… and died.”

Me: *starts laughing*

Husband: “What? It’s implied!”

Might As Well Be Speaking Chinese

, , , | Right | January 8, 2019

(While working at a Chinese food restaurant, I made a list of answers I have said throughout the years.)

Answer #1: “No, we do not have pizza.”

Answer #2: “No, we do not have French fries.”

Answer #3: “I’m sorry that our ‘large size’ is only enough for two people, not your whole family.”

Answer #4: “Yes, it will cost fifty dollars if you order five meals since they are $10 each.”

Answer #5: “Yes, you can put me on hold.”

Answer #6: “Yes, you have to pay with a card on the phone.”

(How else would you do it?)

Answer #7: “Your food is on the way; have you noticed the three feet of snow?”

Answer #8: “Sorry our one sushi guy cannot make your ten rolls in two minutes.”

Answer #9: “No, we do not deliver seven miles away.”

Answer #10: “I don’t know why we don’t deliver to you.”

Answer #11: “No, we do not have lunch deals at 7:00 pm.”

Appallingly Unaware

, , , , , | Romantic | January 8, 2019

(My boyfriend and I are playing a video game where you can get hit with electricity that either shocks or stuns you. We’re playing on two different monitors. He gets hit.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I’m stunned.”

(About five minutes later, I hear:)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m shocked.”

Me: *not able to help myself* “What’s next? You’re going to be appalled?”

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