A One-Way Ticket To Stupidity

, , , , | Legal | November 13, 2018

(I am waiting for a friend to fight his parking ticket. I am sitting in the back of a very busy traffic courtroom.)

Bailiff: “NEXT!”

(A guy goes up and hands a ticket over to the bailiff, who announces his name and citation number to the court reporter.)

Judge: “Well, Mr. [Guy], what’s the story here?”

Guy: “I was parking on the South Side in a municipal lot. It was really busy and I was in line for the meter.”

(In this city, there is one “meter” per lot. You enter your plate number and a receipt prints out.)

Guy: “While I was in line, the meter maid gave me a ticket.”

Judge: “This ticket says it was on [date], is that correct?”

Guy: “Yes.”

Judge: *sighs LOUDLY, places his head in his hands, and makes an announcement* “If there is anyone in this courtroom with a ticket from the South Side on [date], please stand up.”

(About fifteen people stand up.)

Judge: “How many of you were in line to pay when you got the ticket?”

(Everyone raises their hands.)

Judge: “Son of a— Bailiff, can you collect up all those tickets, please?”

(There’s a bit of a wait while everyone pulls out their tickets. The bailiff hands them to the traffic court judge and he reads each one. Finally he announces that he doesn’t have time to hear each case. He’s dismissing every ticket; they can all leave. Finally, my friend gets called.)

Judge: “What’s your story?”

Friend: “Well, I was on the North Side on [date two weeks after the last group]. I parked, walked across the lot towards the meter and the meter maid pulled in. She immediately ticketed me. If you look at the time on the ticket and the time on the receipt, she wrote the ticket at exactly the same time as the receipt printed. I was the only one in the lot. She had to know the car in the lot belonged to the guy currently at the meter.”

Judge: *looks at ticket* “This ticket was written by [Meter Maid].”

Friend: “Yes, sir.”

Judge: “Well, today is your lucky day. That story sounds so stupid I wouldn’t normally believe it. But, given what I just witnessed, I’m dismissing yours, as well.”

Friend: “I don’t suppose there’s a way to prevent this from happening again?”

Judge: “I’m going to suggest she get retrained or replaced. I can’t make any promises.”

(Based on a story in the local paper a month later, she was still doing it.)

Unfiltered Story #125709

, , , | Unfiltered | November 13, 2018

This lady at Starbucks is yelling “you need to label this can sugar cause I thought it was salt and now I ruined my fries” like this is Starbucks, where did you even get fries from?

Fruits Of Your Labor Going Wasted

, , , , | Right | November 8, 2018

(I am delivering a freshly-made, highly-perishable cut fruit arrangement to a residence. It is shortly after noon on a weekday in October that has nonetheless exceeded 80 degrees. I ring the bell and wait. No answer. I ring it again. Still no answer. I call the person who placed the order.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] calling from [Store], in regards to the order for [Recipient]? I’m at the address right now, but there is no answer at the door.”

Customer: “Oh, yes, that’s probably because she’s at work.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You can just leave it on the porch.”

Me: “I can try putting it in a cooler bag in a shady spot, but it should reall—”

Customer: “Great! Thanks.”

(I am still not sure why they didn’t just send it to the recipient’s workplace or ask us to deliver it later in the day, but enjoy the hot fruit for your anniversary.)

Shock At Women Doing Home Improvement Shows Men’s Attitudes Are Still Going Down The Drain

, , , , | Friendly | November 8, 2018

(I’m home from college when my mom’s kitchen sink faucet stops working. She and I go to pick out a new one, bringing my twelve-year-old brother. My brother decides to wander down the mall to a different store, but plans to meet us in a bit. Mom and I pick a faucet, and we are standing in line to check out when the customer in front of us decides to start up a conversation.)

Customer: “New faucet, huh? You run it by your husband to make sure it will fit?”

Mom: “No, but it’s fine.”

Customer: “You ladies really should call him and make sure, before you have to return it! Don’t want him to get mad!”

Me: “My father hasn’t been in the picture for ten years; I don’t need to check in with him. This is the right faucet.”

Customer: “Your plumber, then! He can probably get you that for cheaper.”

Me: “We are fine.”

Customer: “Are you planning to do this yourself? I hope you realize you’ll have to climb around under the sink to assemble that!”

Me: “I repeat: we are fine.”

(He sputters out a few more objections when my brother walks up. Instantly the guy is all smiles.)

Customer: “Hey there! I didn’t know you were with your mom; I’ve been giving her such a hard time about installing that faucet!” *laughs* “You’ll do great.”

Brother: “Uh, I don’t know how to do that.”

Customer: “Oh, just follow the instructions; it’s real easy! *laughs* “You’ll do great.”

(He sort of slapped my brother on the shoulder and checked out. After he left, my brother fearfully asked if he really had to install the faucet and was relieved when I said I’d do it. I did, and it’s working fine six months later, even though I’m — GASP — an adult woman and not a tween boy.)

Unfiltered Story #124829

, , | Unfiltered | November 7, 2018

(There is a regular customer at the store I used to work at. He was a nice older gentleman, that I’m pretty sure wasn’t all there. Our conversation usually went as follows.)
Me: Hi! Do you have your shopper’s card with you today?
Him: No, I left it at home with my light saber.
(Almost always, I’d smile and laugh a bit. One day, I decided to change things up a bit.)
Me: Hi! Do you have your light saber with you today?
Him: No, George Lucas took it away from me.
(He was definitely one of my favorite customers.)

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