“It” Is The Perfect Job

, , , , , | Related | September 7, 2017

(I’m at my wit’s end, desperately trying to find a job in a crumbling economy. My sister thinks she’s found a solution.)

Sister: “I know what you can do! Go to clown school and become a clown! You can entertain children at birthday parties!”

Me: “But I hate children.”

Sister: “Exactly! Children are terrified of clowns!”

Me: “…oh, my gosh, you’re right! That idea is actually brilliant!”

(I probably won’t actually pursue a career as a clown, but if I did, we decided my name would be “Stabby the Monster Clown” and my assistants would be a three-foot python and a rottweiler in realistic zombie makeup, named Cuddles.)

Driving Away Customers

, , , , | Right | September 6, 2017

(I’m getting coffee with a friend who works as a policeman. As we are sitting, a man leaves the shop, then immediately comes back in, furious.)

Customer: “My car is gone!”

(My friend identifies himself and steps outside with a coffee shop employee. They soon locate the car, which has rolled down the hill, hopped a barrier, and crashed into a concrete barrier.)

Customer: “[Coffee Shop] destroyed my car! I’m suing! I’ll own this place!”

(My friend calls for on duty officers and they arrive quickly. As soon as they investigate, there’s some issue.)

Officer: “Sir? Where did you park your car?”

Customer: “Over there.” *indicates the fire lane*

Officer: “So, you illegally parked your car in the fire lane, blocking the handicap ramp. Parked is the wrong word though. We found the car running and still in gear.”

Customer: “I was just going to be a moment! I’m going to sue [Coffee Shop] for this!”

Officer: “Uh, no. You won’t.”

Dog-Gone Crazy

, , , , , | Friendly | September 5, 2017

I own a pair of big black dogs: a border collie mix who weighs about 50 pounds, and a Labrador who weighs over 100 pounds. They’re the sweetest dogs you could ever hope to meet, but like many dogs, they like to rush at the door, barking, whenever anyone comes to visit. Most people who don’t know us, door to door salesmen and the like, only see 150 combined pounds of black fur and teeth coming at them, and jump back. But there was one person…

A little old lady was making the rounds of our neighborhood, hanging flyers on door knobs for a dance troupe that performs each year in my town. I saw her coming to my door and tried to grab for my dogs, but missed. They charged at the door, barking their heads off as usual.

The little old lady saw them coming, and laughed out loud. With no fear whatsoever, she hung her flyer on my door handle, booped both dogs’ noses through the screen, waved at me, and left.

I want to be her when I grow up.

Collegiate Enough To Prove Them Wrong

, , | Right | September 4, 2017

(I work in the produce department and am just straightening out the floor displays, when a customer walks up to me. Keep in mind I’m about 20 years old.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you know where your bathroom is?”

Me: “Sure, ma’am, it’s up next to the sandwich shop on the right.”

(I go back to work but notice she’s still standing next to me, just staring at me.)

Customer: “Young man, how do you expect to get into college with an attitude like that?”

Me: “Well, that statement would make sense if we were talking two years ago.”

Customer: “What are you referring to?”

Me: “I’m referring to the fact that I’m going to be a junior in college in the fall, and I was a senior in high school two years ago.”

(I notice she is still standing next to me, but continue to straighten product out.)

Customer: “What college are you going to?”

Me: “[University Name].”

Customer: “What field of study?”

Me: “Electrical Engineering.”

(The customer turned and walked away.)

His Work Ethic Is Not Broken

, , , , , | Working | August 31, 2017

(We have someone coming in for a job interview, which I’m preparing for. I get a call from one of the employees, who is freaking out and telling me to come down right away. When I get there, I see our interviewee leaning against the counter, covered in blood and with a clearly broken arm.)

Me: “Oh my gosh, sir! Are you okay? I’ll call you an ambulance right away!” *I notice that one of my employees is already on the phone with 911.*

Interviewee: *clearly in pain* “Oh, it’s okay, I’ll go to the hospital after the interview.”

Me: “What happened?”

Interviewee: “I tried to pull my cat from a tree branch outside and fell out of a second story window onto cement. Don’t worry about it. So, the interview?”

Me: “Sir, I know you want this job, but if you had called us and told us what had happened, I would have understood completely why you couldn’t make it in today and rescheduled!”

Interviewee: “Hey, while we’re waiting for the ambulance, do you think we can maybe quickly have that interview? I get the feeling I’ll be preoccupied the next couple of weeks.”

Me: “Uh… okay, sir.”

(Since the idea of the interview seemed to keep him calm, I agreed and gave him one on the spot while we waited, which he aced despite the fact that he was clearly in a lot of pain. When I told my boss what had happened, he told me to hire him, saying anyone who insisted on coming in despite a broken arm was clearly dedicated to getting that job. He’s been one of our best and most dedicated employees, to the point where we actually have to beg him not to come into work whenever he gets sick, because he refuses to call off.)

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