This All Sounds Totally Normal

, , , , , | Healthy | July 9, 2021

I’ve had some worrying symptoms, so I go to see a new doctor for the first time. I recently lost my insurance and then the health crisis hit, so I haven’t had a primary care provider in some time. As suspected, the doctor orders some bloodwork.

Me: “Will this require me to fast? Because if I don’t, fair warning, my liver enzymes will be high.”

Doctor: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Any time I take a blood test and I’m not required to fast, my liver enzymes are always reported as abnormally high.”

Doctor: “And your previous doctor never bothered to try and figure out why that is?”

Me: “No, they would just order another test, have me fast, and then go, ‘You’re normal.’”

The doctor rolls her eyes in annoyance at this.

Doctor: “Okay, but… why wouldn’t they check that?” *Sighs* “Don’t fast for this one, but I’m going to have to have that checked out… like somebody should have a while ago.”

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Spitting Out Political Opinions

, , , , , | Right | July 7, 2021

It is 2010, around Presidents’ Day, and we have a big display of books about and by Presidents, including current President Barack Obama. I am politically liberal and have had a very long day.

Customer: “Excuse me, miss.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “I hate to say it, but it looks like someone spat on this Obama book.”

I look, and she is sadly correct; there is a gross smear all over the book’s cover.

Me: “Well, that’s a shame, but I appreciate you letting me know.”

Customer: “What will you do?”

Me: “I’ll probably go spit on a Glenn Beck book to even things out.”

I thought I was doomed for a second, but she burst out laughing.

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That Scam Has Been (Chicken) Popped

, , , , | Right | July 2, 2021

I’m within my first few weeks of working at a large retailer as a cashier. Two women come to my till with a cart of groceries. I greet them and begin scanning.

Customer #1: “She has food stamps.”

Me: “Okay. Most of this will be covered by that, but that won’t be.”

I point to a cup of chicken poppers they are sharing.

Customer #2: “But it’s food.”

Me: “Yes, but food stamps have certain rules.”

Customer #1: “So, [Customer #2] can’t have a hot meal?”

Me: “That’s not—”

Customer #1: “It’s fine. Just do it.”

Me: “Okay.”

I scan everything and tell them the total. [Customer #2] swipes her food stamps card and the register takes off everything except, as I predicted, the $5 in chicken poppers she got from our deli. By now, they’re almost gone.

Me: “You still owe $5.”

Customer #2: “But I have food stamps.”

Me: “As I said, those poppers aren’t covered.”

Customer #2: “But it’s food. Food stamps cover food.”

Me: “There are rules for—”

Customer #1: “Get your manager.”

I page for the manager and, while we wait, the women shove the remaining chicken poppers in their mouths. When he arrives, the empty container is sitting by the PIN pad.

Manager: “How can I help?”

Me: *Pointing to the empty cup* “This—”

Customer #1: “[Customer #2] already used her food stamps. You can’t make us pay for an empty cup.”

Manager: “Hot foods are not covered on food stamps, and you already ate them so, yes, you have to pay.”

Customer #2: “But I used food stamps! Food stamps are for food!”

Customer #1: “She doesn’t have any other money!” *Louder* “Why does [Store] discriminate against the mentally handicapped?”

Manager: *Crossing his arms* “Pay the $5 or I’m calling the police.”

Customer #1: *Slaps a $5 bill on the conveyor belt* “I hope you enjoy Hell!”

Me: *Handing over the receipt with an extra cheerful voice* “Bye, ladies!”

Manager: “They pull that s*** all the time.”

Me: “Good to know.”

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Expecting A Muted Apology

, , , , , | Right | June 25, 2021

A coworker is getting frustrated; she keeps getting notified that she has a call waiting for her, but every time she goes to answer it, she can’t hear the woman and has to hang up. The woman has called ten times now trying to get through. She switches devices and reboots it, as well, and it still doesn’t work. Finally, I try it on my device to see if I can get through.

Me: “Hello, hello?”


Me: “Ma’am, I’ll be honest. Whatever problem we are having hearing you is on your side. My coworker has switched devices multiple times and I know mine is working as I just answered another call a couple of minutes ago. By any chance, did you happen to mute us?”

A couple of seconds go by.

Customer: *Very meekly* “Oh, can you hear me now?”

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Tipped To Be A Good Day, Part 2

, , , , | Right | June 24, 2021

The restaurant where I work was closed for the first few months of the current health crisis, but we reopen on the fourth of July weekend with a holiday dinner pick-up offer: fried chicken with multiple sides and dessert, enough for four people. It proves very popular, and we are super busy all weekend. On Tuesday, the phone rings.

Me: “Hello, [Restaurant].”

Woman: “Hi, I’m so glad I reached you. My husband and I ordered the special dinner over the holiday weekend—”

I brace for a complaint.

Woman: “—and it was absolutely delicious! And I realized when I looked at our receipt that I had forgotten to add on a tip when I made the order. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t tip you all for doing all that work, and on a holiday, no less. Would you be able to run my card for a tip belatedly?”

Me: “I… Sure! How much did you want to tip?”

Woman: “Twenty-five percent, please. Thank you again. I am so glad to see you all open, and I hope we get the chance to support you again soon!”

That made my afternoon! And thanks to her and other generous customers like her, we’re still open!

Tipped To Be A Good Day

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