(For a variety of reasons, every year my parents have changed their Medicare supplement insurance. This year they are not changing and I’m not exactly sure of the procedure. I call their insurance company during open enrollment.)

Agent: “Hi, my name is [Agent]. Thank you for calling [Insurance Company]. May I have your member ID number?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t have that right now. I just have a general question that doesn’t require my account.”

Agent: “Sure. What can I help you with?”

Me: “My parents have [Company] insurance—“

Agent: *interrupts* “I’m sorry, but due to HIPAA regulations, I cannot answer your questions due to privacy concerns.”

Me: “This is a general question that does not require knowing anything personal.”

Agent: “Sorry, I need an authorization.”

Me: “You can’t answer a general question about your company?”

Agent: “Not without an authorization.”

Me: “How about I ask the question and you decide if you need an authorization?”

Agent: “Ma’am, I’ve told you I cannot answer you. Please hold for my supervisor.”

(She puts me on hold and eventually, a supervisor gets on the line.)

Supervisor: “Ma’am, I understand you need information about your parents’ insurance and do not have an authorization?”

Me: “I have a general question about your company that is not specific to any individual.”

Supervisor: “We would need written authorization from the member to answer that.”

Me: “How about I ask the question and then you see if you can answer it?”

Supervisor: “Ma’am, if you want to do that, go ahead, but we are bound by federal HIPAA regulations.”

Me: “Great. Now, my parents currently have insurance with your company. The plan they have will be offered again next year. They do not want to make any changes. Do they need to do anything or will it just renew?”

Supervisor: “If they don’t want to change anything and they do not contact us, they will be automatically renewed. Now, what is your question?”

Me: “That was my question.”

Supervisor: “No, I mean the question about your parents’ coverage.”

Me: “That was it.”

Supervisor: “So, you do not have a specific question?”

Me: “I had a specific question: how do they renew? You said it’s automatic, so I now have the answer to my question.”

Supervisor: “If you do not have a question, I am going to end this call. In the future, please have a signed authorization available before you call. Goodbye.”

(I’m now thinking I should probably have them change to a company with smarter employees.)

Related:
Not Much Assurance About The Insurance, Part 11
Not Much Assurance About The Insurance, Part 10
Not Much Assurance About The Insurance, Part 9

(I live in an apartment building. A woman and her young child from my floor go to the elevator at the same time as me. The elevator already has a person in it. The kid looks around at everyone once the doors close, and he starts talking to his mom.)

Kid: “There’s three people in the elevator.”

Mom: “What about you? Don’t you count as a people?”

Kid: “I’m tiny.”

Mom: “Are you half a people?”

Kid: “No!”

Mom: “Are you a whole people?”

Kid: “Yes.”

Mom: “Then don’t you count?”

Kid: “I have short legs.”

(I am helping a customer pick out a watch as a gift for his wife. She is not there.)

Customer: “Do you adjust the size of the watch?”

Me: “Yeah, you can bring it into any one of our stores and it’s free of charge.”

Customer: “But I’m leaving back to my country soon. I’m only here on business; can’t you just do it now?”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I have to have the person here so they can try on the watch and see how it fits.”

(The customer then pulls out his phone and video calls his wife.)

Customer: “Honey, hold out your wrist so she can figure out how many links to take out.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that won’t work, either. I can’t really tell from a picture how big or small her wrist is. There was another watch you were looking at that offers some links that can be taken out yourself. All you have to do is unclasp them like a bracelet, so you could do that when you get home.”

Customer: “Well, talk to my wife and figure out how tight or loose she wants it, and I can take it from there.”

(He handed me his phone, and I then had to talk to his wife, who didn’t speak a lot of English, about sizing a watch for her. I ended up just sizing it to my wrist, but it’s amazing how often this actually happens. Then I get in trouble with the managers for “being on my phone talking” when, no, I’m just really awkwardly working.)

(My husband uses a sitz bath. I am in the bathroom and the thing keeps falling over, so I’m grumbling at it. This happens when I come back out to the living room.)

Husband: “What were you grumbling about?”

Me: “Your stupid thing kept falling over.”

Husband: “That’s what you were complaining about?”

Me: *opening the door to go upstairs* “The thing for the pain in the a** was being a pain in the a**.” *closes the door and then realizes what I said before opening it again* “I was talking about the sitz bath, not you.”

(When you call the store, you are given options to directly call one of the departments in the store — shoes, clothes, housewares, etc. — or if you don’t press any of the extensions and wait, you connect to customer service. A lot of times, people can’t figure this out and the customer service associate has to page the employees to take the phone calls.)

Customer Service: “Jewelry, you have a call on line one.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [My Name] in jewelry. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Can you talk to me about toys?”

Me: “No, give me one second and I’ll transfer you.”

(It kills me that she didn’t press the toys extension, waited until customer service picked up, told her she wanted to speak to somebody in jewelry, heard me say jewelry department, and thought that’s where the toys were.)