Tortuous Rehearsals

, , | Learning | December 28, 2016

(This happens in seventh grade drama club, during rehearsals for our play. The director is going over a scene with the leading man and lady, where they dance together. So far, it’s been going pretty badly.)

Director: *getting frustrated* “You guys need to loosen up! When you say ‘I’m having such a great time,’ I don’t want the audience to wet their pants laughing because it looks like you two are in a torture chamber!”

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Father Used Norovirus And It Was Super-Effective

, , , , , | Learning | July 27, 2016

(It’s nearing the end of the school year and a couple weeks from Father’s Day, and with nothing else to do, my classmates and I get into a discussion on our favorite childhood memories with our fathers.)

Classmate #1: “Our air conditioner wasn’t the greatest, so every summer when it got really, really hot, my dad would go to the store and buy a box of popsicles and we’d sit in his room with three fans going and eat the entire box while watching TV. He always let me eat all the red ones.”

Classmate #2: “My dad took me camping one year for Memorial Day and it rained the entire time, so we stayed in the tent and played board games and wrote a story.”

Classmate #3: “One year my sister and I got norovirus and had to stay home from school, and we kept throwing up in the same spot in the kitchen, so my dad put a masking tape line on the floor and told us that whoever could throw up that far would get to name our new puppy!”

Everyone Else: *long, extended silence*

Classmate #3: “And that’s why my dad let me name our dog Pikachu!”

(We then continued talking like that never happened.)

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Not Such A Toll Order

, , | Right | June 21, 2016

(I work as a toll collector on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, near the Ohio border. Most people we deal with are friendly enough, but sometimes we get some oddballs.)

Me: “Ticket, please.”

Woman: *talking on phone*

Me: “Excuse me. Ticket, please.”

Woman: *on phone* “One sec.” *to me* “What ticket?”

Me: “The ticket you were given when you entered the turnpike. Unfortunately, because you don’t have your ticket, we need to charge you full price.”

Woman: “That’s bull****! I want to get through! I don’t need to pay you!”

Me: “Ma’am, you need to pay the toll. [Price], please.”

(At this point a line is forming. Someone honks.)

Woman: “You know what? You f****** lowlife! Scum! You’re trying to cheat me! You just want my money! You’re just like the tax collectors in the Bible! ”

(She then proceeded to throw a Starbucks cup at me, then drove off screaming. However, she’ll get charged for it anyway because I wrote her license plate number down.)

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Some People Are Proof Of Unreasonableness

, , | Right | June 15, 2016

(Customer has come in to order very expensive, custom business cards. She has a file, in PDF format, that a designer has clearly set up for her. The cards are quoted and a proof is printed and signed off on. This is the exchange after her cards are completed.)

Me: “Here you go, [Customer]. The cards turned out great.”

Customer: “Oooh, there is a mistake.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but the mistake is there on the proof, which you signed off on.”

Customer: “Well, I won’t accept these.”

Me: “[Customer], the file you brought and signed off on is exactly what is on the card.”

Customer: “I don’t care. The font is all wrong. I don’t like the way it looks on the card. I won’t pay for them.”

(The customer has already paid for them, using her credit card and accepted our policy by approving the proof, but this happens from time to time, so we have a policy for this exact situation.)

Me: “The only thing I would be able to do is rerun them at a very minor discount, but you would still need to pay for these cards.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Why should I pay for your mistake?”

Owner: “Can I help you?”

Me: *explains situation, including the discount part, with the customer arguing and being rude the entire time*

Owner: “Well, that is all we can do. You ordered a gold embossed card on a very expensive stock with a custom die-cut. Even at cost, these are expensive business cards.”


Owner: “Doesn’t matter. You either take them or you don’t. Either way, you still have to pay for them. Any error is your error. You had a designer provide you the file, which you provided to us. We could not have changed it.”

Customer: *throws cards on the floor* “This isn’t over.”

(She was right, it wasn’t over. She called the police and reported us for credit card fraud. We explained the situation to them. They laughed at her. She disputed the transaction with her credit card company and won. Apparently our signed proof with our policy wasn’t enough. She went out of business a few months later.)

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A Beautiful Gesture

, , , , , , , | Right Romantic | April 4, 2016

(I am at work when an elderly man come in with his wife. He and his wife sit down at our beauty studio where the employees usually apply makeup to the customers. The woman sits in a chair while our makeup artist give him brushes. Seeing this from a distance I get curious.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir, I apologise if I am intruding but I just wanted to ask why you’re learning how to apply makeup to your wife?”

Husband: “Not at all. My wife is going blind, you see. I want to learn to apply her makeup because I want her to feel beautiful.”

(Such a small but touching gesture. Five years later it’s still one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen at work.)

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