CONTENT WARNING: Mention of animal death, medical gore.

I’m a vet tech. I took off work early one day to go meet up with some friends and acquaintances to celebrate my friend’s and his boyfriend’s engagement. Unfortunately, I was a bit later than planned getting out of work. I texted everyone as soon as I clocked out to let them know I’d be late. I should note here that they all know I work in vet med and that I took time off for the party.

After I got there, one acquaintance was lecturing me over and over and over about how I was late, how disrespectful and irresponsible it was, how it showed I don’t care, etc. She brought it up multiple times, even after people had changed the subject, and others (including the newly-engaged friend and his fiancée) had asked her to stop. She also had a history of lecturing me specifically for every perceived slight or mess-up. I finally hit my breaking point, interrupted her, and unloaded on her (not an exact quote, but the gist):

Me: “I would’ve loved nothing more than to be here on time. Unfortunately for everyone, we had an emergency come in right before I was supposed to leave. The patient had a seizure at home, fell on some construction equipment, and cut himself open. So I was busy holding this dog whose intestines had fully eviscerated through his abdomen, and who was actively seizing right up until he bled out and died in my arms.”

Me: “And of course I was completely soaked in his blood, so I couldn’t just change into the clothes I’d brought with me – I had to go home and shower before coming. I really, really, thought about just cancelling and going to sleep, but I still came because I said I would and I wanted to celebrate [friend and his fiancée] and spend time with friends.”

Me: “I said sorry when I texted I’d be late and again when I first got here. So, I’d appreciate it if you’d shut up and give me some f****** grace. God d***.”

She barely said a word to me the rest of the night and sent me an apology text the next day. I felt bad after the fact for going off on her and souring the mood for a bit, but I can’t deny that it was satisfying.

Last weekend we attended a Halloween cookout at a friend’s house. They have a great outdoor movie screen, so after it started getting darker, they set everything up to watch the film they’d selected: ‘Addams Family Values’.

Everyone was aware of what movie would be shown, since they emailed the group beforehand. Most of the kids weren’t even paying attention during the movie; they were too busy running around the rest of the yard, but a few settled in to watch.

What I think some of the parents forgot is the opening scene, when Morticia is in the hospital having a baby. A random girl in the waiting room tells Wednesday and Pugsley that her new baby sibling was made in a cabbage patch. Then, Wednesday informs her their parents are having a baby too, because they had sex.

Most of the adults laughed, and in the pause while the intro music is playing, one kid suddenly shouts.

Kid: “Dad? What is sex?”

Dad: “Uh… don’t worry about it right now, son. We’ll talk about it later.”

After the movie, everyone is saying goodbye, and I guess the dad could tell his son was gearing up for more questions.

Dad: *Sigh.* “This is going to be an interesting car ride home.”

A family acquaintance invites my kid, last minute, to a Halloween party in town. I’m told to bring food and be in costume, and I don’t have much in either department.

I manage to bake a tray of cookies. As for the costume, I don a very creepy-looking gas mask and some heavy-duty hooded coveralls. Did I say the mask was creepy? It does not have any straps to tighten; to ensure a good seal, it goes over the entire head.

So, we’re off to the party, my kid as a witch and post-atomic me, carefully lurching around (I can’t see a cursed thing through the tiny lenses) with a tray of cookies.

My arrival upsets the smallest kids, who bunch up in the farthest corner and stare at me. They are creeped out by this walk-on from Chornobyl, but at the same time, they know it’s just a costume, right? To reassure them, I start by taking off my hood…

…and reveal a head that’s devoid of any human features, a greenish blob with empty holes for eyes, and a bug-like snout instead of a mouth.

The kids run away shrieking.

Best Halloween ever.

I work in a place that does kids’ parties, and they’ve decided to do karaoke. One of the songs comes from a mega-popular animated movie.

Coworker: “Where is this song from?”

Me: “Oh, a movie called K-Pop Demon Hunters, and—”

Coworker: “Demon? Like Devil? Our kids are singing to the Devil?!”

Me: *Waiting for her to reveal she’s joking, but realizing she’s 100% serious.* “…Uh …No …Far from it. It’s sung by the heroes, who are demon HUNTERS, as a rallying cry to gain strength to stop the demons.”

Coworker: “But, demons!”

Me: *Accidentally going into data-dumping mode.* “They could have used a different word, but it’s the best one. They’re closer to trapped spirits, tormented by past problems in life and who go after living humans wanting revenge. At least, that’s their cultural inspirations.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “It’s set in Korea. They’re called demons in English, but they’re based on Korean ghost or goblin stories. Spirits who cause mischief or are suffering from trauma.”

Coworker: “Oh! I know trauma! Okay, never mind! It’s like generational trauma!”

Me: “You’re on the nose with that one…”

I’m at a friend of a friend’s house, having a party. A woman shows up smoking a cigarette. She reaches down to pet his dog, a big Doberman, with the hand that holds the cigarette.

Host: *Serious tone.* “That dog doesn’t smoke.”

Woman: “So… there’s another dog here that does?”

Host: *Realizing the implication of his choice of words, leaning into it.* “Yeeeeeaaaah, he’s trying to quit. The chihuahua next door, though? That little s*** has a two-packs-a-day kinda yap.”