She Will Not Be Joining Him On The Naughty List

, , , , , | Working | December 23, 2020

I am at my company’s Christmas party, not a hugely fancy event but fairly nice all told, just for employees and their partners. One man from a different department brought his wife — a total knockout and very classy — and they seem really happy together.

Another guy in a different department — also married but he didn’t bring his wife — keeps joining any conversation his colleague’s wife is in. Over the course of the evening, this turns into him trying to get her attention and engage her on his own. It’s pretty subtle, so most people don’t notice, and the colleague’s wife is perfectly polite to him and treats him the same as everyone else.

Eventually, she goes to get a drink on her own, near where I am. The jerk follows her, acting all suave, and tries to lean in and say something to her quietly. I can see her patience finally snap, and she looks down her nose at him like a queen rendering judgment as she speaks loud enough for a few of us nearby to hear.

Colleague’s Wife: “Only one man in the world is allowed in my bed, and you are not him!”

She stormed away to her husband, who was on the other side of the room and didn’t hear, and just held his hand and stayed with the group he was talking with. From the looks that the rest of us give the jerk, he got a big lump of coal and a lot of drama for Christmas. I just feel bad for his wife.

As for me, I’m now determined not to get married until I find a man who makes me want to guard his place in my bed like a lioness guarding her territory!

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Painting It An Angry Hue Of Red

, , , , , | Right | December 16, 2020

I am hosting a “paint your own pottery” birthday party. This group is running thirty minutes over their allotted time. I approach the mother who booked the party.

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but we need the party table for the next group coming in.”

Party Mom has a tantrum, going full red-faced rage at us.

Party Mom: “You’re a bad representative of the company. You’ve ruined my daughter’s whole party! You should have helped her clean up!”

We do clean everything; that’s why we need them to leave.

After we apologize, she is still planning on contacting my manager, but the next group coming in witnesses the whole thing. Two of the women in the next group write preemptive emails to the manager and the owner saying how great we are and that the angry party mom was out of line.

We didn’t get reprimanded at all, because even the owner could tell that the raging party mom was trying to manipulate her for free stuff. But the women from the second group really saved my hope for humanity!

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Speeding Right Into Stupidity

, , , , , | Friendly | October 29, 2020

One night, I pick up a friend on the way to another friend’s party. While I’m driving, he glumly informs me that one of the host’s extremely annoying friends has recently returned back home after losing his apprenticeship in another city. Instantly, I’m annoyed; I’ve never really liked this guy as he is an immature idiot. He’s one of those awkward people who is convinced he is a super cool “ladies’ man” who everyone loves.

In reality, most of our friendship group barely tolerates him as his behaviour has gotten us into some difficult situations in the past, usually because he is trying to impress a girl! When we get there, we see him already trying to be the life of the party and he seems already drunk.

While we’re sitting in the backyard, he begins talking about his job and how his boss was a “total dog” for firing him.

Me: “So, why exactly did you lose your apprenticeship?”

Guy: “Oh, I lost my driving license! Needed it for the job, eh!”

This doesn’t shock me, as he has always been an awful driver since he got his license and gets pulled over regularly by the local cops.

Me: “How did you lose your license?”

Guy: *Smirks* “Oh, you know, just doing a cool 180 on the highway!”

He smiles as if this is his proudest achievement and raises his beer.

Me: “Well, that was f****** stupid! You could’ve killed someone.”

Guy: “Nah, it was awesome, mate!”

Me: “You have no license and now you have no job. How, precisely, is this ‘awesome’?”

The guy gives me an arrogant sneer.

Guy: “Well, the chick in the car who dared me to do it was well impressed!”

Me: “Did you get a date out of it?”

Guy: “Well… no, she had a boyfriend.”

Me: “Yeah… totally worth it, then!”

He then has a sour look on his face and glares at me.

Guy: “F*** you!”

He then stomped off and had another beer, still complaining loudly about how “unfair” his firing was. Thankfully, years later, none of my friendship groups speaks to his guy. From what I heard, he didn’t get any smarter in the years that followed.

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It’s Not Her Party, But She’ll Cry If She Wants To

, , , , | Related | August 1, 2020

My daughter is of kindergarten age and is invited to a birthday party. If you’ve been there, you know what nightmare they are. There are about twenty kids from the classroom, plus their parents and siblings, plus the birthday kid’s relatives and family friends. Cue over three hours of barely controlled chaos.

Needless to say, when it’s finally time to cut the cake, the ladies in charge of doing so are taking no nonsense: they hack away at the cake, slam the pieces on plates, and pass them to the nearest person that has a pair of serviceable hands.

My daughter, however, has picked just this moment to get finicky.

Daughter: “I want the corner piece with the candy flower.”

Me: “We can try, but the ladies are busy. Don’t be mad, okay?”

Unfortunately, she’s given a regular piece, instead. Tired and upset from the long afternoon, she decides to throw a fit. She starts crying so loudly, it catches the attention of the cake-cutting lady.

Cake Lady: “Oh, poor dear. What happened?”

Me: “She was after the corner piece.”

Cake Lady: “Oh, this one? That’s all right.”

Instead of swapping plates, the lady picked up the candy flower and planted it onto the piece on my daughter’s plate… sending her into another fit. I tried to console her but it was no use; she was holding her plate with white-knuckled hands, bawling uncontrollably at the injustice of it all.

Then, a passing toddler picked up the candy flower from her piece of cake, stuffed it in her mouth happily, and kept going. My daughter was so affronted she could barely breathe. There was nothing left to do at this point but laugh. I wish I’d had my camera ready.

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Doesn’t Alanis Morissette Have A Song About This?

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 8, 2020

My best friend and maid of honour is an absolute sweetheart. However, her mother, who I have known for almost thirty years now, is one of the most negative people I have ever encountered. For her, the glass is not just half-empty; it has stale water, a cat hair, a chip, and a lipstick stain on it.

Fast forward to my bridal shower, where my sister — who has known my friend’s mom for her entire life — is making polite small talk with my her.

Sister: “So, the venue for the ceremony is going to be really nice.”

Friend’s Mom: “Where is it?”

Sister: “[My Name] booked a really pretty museum downtown.”

Friend’s Mom: “Well, let’s hope that traffic cooperates. Driving downtown is horrible!”

Sister: “Yes, well, we should be fine.”

Friend’s Mom: “And let’s hope the weather cooperates. I don’t want to be out in a rainstorm!”

Sister: “Well, the great thing about the space is that it is indoors with some outdoor balcony space, so we are good no matter what.”

Friend’s Mom: “Well, I hope it isn’t too hot. June is too hot for weddings. They are always so uncomfortable.”

Sister: *Visibly annoyed* “I hope the weather is nice, too! Fortunately, museums are temperature controlled, so the AC should be just fine.”

Friend’s Mom: “Well, let’s hope the power doesn’t go out!

My sister gave up, made a polite, mumbled excuse, and fled to some other guests. The power didn’t go out, no tornadoes or natural disasters occurred, and the day was lovely. 

And yes, she is still as pessimistic today as ever.

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