(My dad and I have been jokingly accusing my mom of going overboard for my dad’s 50th birthday party. The day before the party, my mom’s two friends, whom I refer to as aunts, come over to help her get ready. That evening I walk downstairs, and there are decorations up everywhere.)

Mom: “How does it look?”

Me: “Looks like you and your friends had fun.”

Mom: “It’s not my fault! I just bought those few things from [Store], and then I called [Aunt] and asked if she still had things from [Cousin]’s casino-themed party.”

Me: “Sounds like you still instigated.”

Mom: “I didn’t expect her to bring EVERYTHING, plus things from her own 50th, plus some other things! And then while we were putting stuff up, she starts going ‘Oh, you shouldn’t use this one. Here, let me make you this, and make you this while I’m at it.’ It’s her fault, not mine.”

Me: “Are you practicing on me for when Dad gets home?”

Mom: “Yes, does it sound convincing? It’s really not my fault, though.”

(I’m talking quietly to a female friend about birth control at a party.)

Me: “So, my doctor recommended I get an IUD inserted—”

Eavesdropping Male Friend: *loudly* “Why’d your doctor tell you to get an IED inserted?”

(I had to explain to a roomful of people that no, my doctor hadn’t told me to get an improvised explosive device implanted in me.)

(When I am just starting out as a DJ, I work a charity event for free for a church that my friend works for. The event is supposed to end at 1:00 am. At about 1:05, when the last song is fading out, a guest approaches me.)

Guest: “Do you have [Obscure Song]?”

Me: “No.”

Guest: “What kind of DJ are you?”

Me: “One that travelled from [City five hours away] to do this event for free.”

(My friends and I, all women in our early twenties, decide to get together for a movie marathon and game night. As it gets later and later, the conversation turns to romantic relationships, and the fact that I have yet to have one is brought up. So, one of my friends talks us all into joining a popular dating app. We amuse ourselves by going through profiles on our phones for a while, until this happens.)

Friend #1: *in response to an excited look on my face* “[My Name], are you still on [Dating App]?”

Me: “No, I got bored with that one a while ago. I’m playing [Game] now.”

Friend #3: “You still play [Game]?!”

Friend #2: “Wait, I’ve never heard of [Game] before. What is it?”

Me: *shows her my phone* “It’s this cute game where you have to collect the different cats that come visit your yard . . .” *realizes I just literally chose cats over boys*  “This is probably a more accurate description of me than I would like.”

(Five years ago, the ex-girlfriend of a former roommate married my ex-boyfriend. That was one year after I had broken up with him. I didn’t attend their wedding, but we are friends. I get invited to her birthday at their bungalow in the woods. This conversation happens while passing each other in a doorway, with no other people in earshot:)

Me: “Your house is lovely! It must be a breeze to live out here.”

Her: “It is! Oh, why don’t you come live here? We could be [Ex-boyfriend]’s wives together!’

Me: *awkward blank stare*