God Doesn’t See Race (Cards)

| USA | Friendly | May 31, 2016

(The man behind me in the parking garage is attempting to tailgate and punches it, tapping my bumper. There is no damage, but considering the circumstances, I insist on calling the cops. The man gets very angry with this, including yelling at bystanders, shoving a camera in my face, and implying I am a racist simply because he happens to be black and I am white. I insist on calling the cops, regardless of what he says and does.)

Man: “You are a terrible person, you know that? You are horrible! God will judge you for this!”

(To make matters even worse, he tried to leave the garage, but when I didn’t completely move my car, he ended up paying the parking fee just to get out. He would have fled if the security guards didn’t show up and convince him to stay, since I had already called the cops. The whole time he insisted he was the victim and I was racially profiling him, despite my inability to see what he looked like before I got out of the car, rather than admit that he hit my car trying to get out of an $8 ticket. May he be able to justify that when HE meet his maker. Until then, I suppose the police report and a hike in insurance is justice enough for abusing discrimination claims over something so petty.)

A New Relationship Would Completely Blow

| PA, USA | Romantic | May 5, 2016

(A friend and I have gone out to pick up some supplies. It’s a very windy night. When he parks the car, I struggle to get my door open. Once I do, I have an idea, and walk away without closing the door. The wind slams it shut before I’m two steps away. As we go into the store…)

Me: “The wind completely closed my door for me.”

Friend: “It’s being polite! [My Boyfriend] better watch out! Something else is…”

Me: “…blowing me away?”

Friend: “Sweeping you off your feet!”

Me: “I hope not!”

Someone Has A Mass Defect

| DE, USA | Friendly | April 12, 2016

(I’m sitting with a small crowd of fellow students, all of us early to wait for a bus to go on an out-of-state trip. As it’s a chilly morning, I’m wearing my favorite sweatshirt, which is modeled after the armor of a favored character from a video game and has his name on it. A person I don’t know who presumably attends our college approaches me.)

Stranger: “Excuse me, do you have the time?”

Me: “Yes, it’s almost 7:30.”

Stranger: “Okay, thank you, miss…” *looking at my shirt* “Alenko.”

Me: *chuckling to myself, as I found it to be mildly amusing* “Actually, that’s not my name. It’s…”

Stranger: *suddenly angry* “Well, then, why the f*** is it on your sweatshirt?”

(He then storms off without even giving me a chance to finish my sentence. The other students seem just as shocked by his behavior as I am.)

Upperclassman: “So… Mass Effect?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s my favorite game!”

Upperclassman: “I can tell. Love the sweatshirt!”

(We sat next to each other on the bus and talked about video games the entire time. He jokingly called me “Miss Alenko” the whole trip. By the end of the trip, pretty much everyone was doing it.)

A Literal Pick-Up Technique

| Sacramento, CA., USA | Friendly | March 27, 2016

(A female friend is visiting from out of state and we are stopping at a grocery store. I am 29 and have very little luck with dating despite having many female friends. When we arrive at the store, I get out, but my friend lags behind to check her phone before leaving my van. I run around and open her door, scooping her up in my arms and jogging to the store.)

Friend: *laughing* “Why are you carrying me!?”

Me: “Because the only way I can pick up chicks is literally!”

Will Need To Enlighten Them

| NC, USA | Friendly | March 25, 2016

(My boyfriend and I are in the car and have been listening to a radio interview with Werner Herzog and Cormac McCarthy, who are both being extremely dark and cynical but also very funny. I’m a big fan of this type of humor.)

Me: *chuckling as I open my door and step out of the car* “Man, I love dark people.”

(At that precise moment I look up and realize the woman getting out of her car next to me is very dark-skinned and is giving me a funny look.)

Me: *stammering* “I… I mean, dark as in having a negative outlook on life!”

Boyfriend: “Oh, boy. Oookay. I think you’re done here.”

(To that woman, if you’re reading this… Sorry. I have the worst timing in the world.)