(I have been thinking of proposing to my girlfriend for quite some time, but not nearly as long as she has been ready and waiting for said proposal. I finally arrive at the perfect way to propose. I take her to a romantic comedy that involves a very romantic marriage proposal. I know it will almost certainly get her started on the subject of marriage. After the film, we are walking out to the car in the parking lot.)

Me: “So, did you enjoy the film?”

Girlfriend: “Yes and no.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Girlfriend: “Well, it was a fun film. But it reminds me of how a proposal like that will never happen for me. I swear I’ll go to the grave without ever seeing you down on one knee and holding out a ring to me.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? Well, what if I were to reach into my pocket and pull out a ring-box right now?”

Girlfriend: *scoffs* “Yeah right! Like that would happen!”

(I drop to one knee and pull a ring-box from my pocket.)

Me: “Well? Will you?”

(She shrieks in near-hysteria, which causes several other film-goers to stop and stare. She all but rips the ring-box from my hand. She opens it and finds it empty.)

Me: *smirking at her horrified expression* “What? I said ring-box! I never said anything about an actual ring!”

(She snaps the box shut, and shouts a number of obscenities. I reach up with my other hand to stop her; showing that the exact ring she had been ogling and drooling over.)

Me: “Honey, please! I surrender! I’m sorry! Seriously, will you? Please?”

Girlfriend: “Oh, my God! You are such an a**hole! But yes! Yes, you a**hole! Yes!”

(I get up from kneeling and reach out to embrace her in front of the now cheering crowd.)

Me: “I guess that makes you Mrs. A**hole!”

(Twelve years and three kids later, they still refer to each other as Mr. & Mrs. A**hole.)

(I work for an automated parking structure. Unfortunately, we don’t have access to the cameras at the entrances. All we know about a situation is what a customer tells us over the intercom system.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, this is [company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Your machine is broken. It won’t take my credit card.”

Me: “Well, let’s see if I can help you. Please insert your ticket facing up, and then insert your credit card facing the same way.”

Customer: “Like this?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I don’t have any cameras there, so I can’t see what direction you’re trying to insert your ticket.”

Customer: “Oh. Like this?”

Me: “Ma’am, I still can’t see you. Are you inserting the ticket facing up?”

Customer: “Like this?”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t see you. Can you describe what the ticket looks like for me?”

*pause*

Customer: “Like this?”

(A customer drives up to my window and hands me a ticket.)

Me: “Hello, sir. The charge is $8, please.”

(The customer hands over the money and then looks at the screen which displays the charge amount.)

Customer: “You know, your screen is confusing. Before, it said 18, and now it says 8.”

Me: “Yes, the screen displays the time before the ticket is read.”

Customer: “Hmm, then you better fix your clocks. I don’t think I have ever heard of 18 o’clock.”

Me: “The clock is on military time.”

Customer: “Oh…”

Friend in Customer’s Car: “Didn’t you serve in Iraq?”

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(I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)

Customer: “Oh, no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”

Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”

Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”

Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”

Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine! There! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?”

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(I’m collecting carts from the parking lot. A woman abandons her cart near her car, so I go to pick it up. Note that she’s also munching on some bread.)

Customer: “Oh! I think I locked my keys in the car.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Please feel free to come inside and use the phone to call a locksmith or someone that can bring you another key.”

Customer: “Look! The window is open just a little.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t help you get into the vehicle unless you are able to prove that it’s yours. I’d recommend calling a locksmith because that opening seems too small.”

Customer: *ignores me* “Maybe if I can just get something in?”

(The woman rips a piece of bread off the loaf she is eating and stuffs it in through the car window.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know how that is going to help.”

Customer: “I thought… maybe if I could just get something in there?”