(I work for a large adventure playground which is situated in a park. We are strictly a ‘no pets allowed’ establishment; however, the park is popular with dog walkers and is used for obedience and agility classes, so it is a common occurrence to have people come along with their dogs and get frustrated when we have to turn them away. In this situation I am overhearing one of my coworkers speaking on the phone.)

Coworker #1: “Yes, ma’am, I understand.”

(Pause.)

Coworker #1: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but our playground has a strict ‘no pets allowed’ policy.”

(Longer pause.)

Coworker #1: “I’m sorry to hear that, but we really can’t make exceptions.”

(Pause.)

Coworker #1: “Ye—” *pause* “But I—” *pause* “We—” *pause* “No, th—” *pause*

(This carries on for some time, until eventually my coworker seems to give up.)

Coworker #1: *speaking very loudly* “YES, MA’AM, I UNDERSTAND. I’M SORRY WE COULDN’T WORK THINGS OUT. HAVE A NICE DAY.”

(He hangs up the phone with force and drops his head to the counter.)

Coworker #2: “Another person wanting to bring their puppy in, huh?”

Coworker #1: “No. She wanted to bring her HORSE.”

(I’m at the state park at a public pet adoption event with lots of different rescue organizations. My a**hole neighbor is there looking at a pit bull rescue’s booth.)

Volunteer: “We have a lot of dogs right now looking for homes!”

Neighbor: “I’m looking for a female puppy. I got one two years ago, and she needs a friend.”

Volunteer: “Well, we’ve got five up for adoption right now…” *starts tapping on iPad to bring up pictures*

Me: “Don’t even bother showing them to him.”

Volunteer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “He has two pits already: a male and a female. He also has a coonhound. The dogs are vicious and have already killed his daughter’s cat and one of his mother-in-law’s cats.”

Neighbor: “What the f*** are you going on about?”

(The volunteer looks confused.)

Me: “I live in the opposite half of the duplex from him. I can’t even let my dogs out when his are out, because they’re so mean. And, they can jump the fence. He also abuses them. The female pit is friendly, but if you walk up to let her sniff you, she puts her paw up like she’s scared.”

Neighbor: “That’s bulls***! I never hit my dogs!”

Me: “And you don’t run an illegal gym in your garage, either.”

Neighbor: *gets in my face* “I don’t do jack-s***! Now shut the f*** up!”

Volunteer: “Sir, how big is your yard?”

Neighbor: “About 20 by 10.”

Volunteer: “Well, I’m afraid I can’t allow you to adopt one of our dogs.”

Neighbor: “Why the f*** not?!” *in the volunteer’s face now*

Volunteer: “Because your property is too small for the number of dogs that you have. It wouldn’t be healthy to add another one. You shouldn’t even have three.”

Neighbor: “WHO THE F*** ARE YOU?! I CAN HAVE AS MANY DOGS AS I D*** WELL F****** WANT!” *starts tearing up adoption/volunteer forms* “WHAT THE F*** KIND OF ADOPTION ARE YOU THAT YOU WON’T GIVE SOMEONE A F****** DOG?!”

(Suddenly, three big dudes and a park ranger tackled my neighbor, who was arrested for destruction of private property, assault, vandalism, littering, and disturbing the peace.)

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Customer: “How do you get the boat to spin like we just did? Is it hooked up to wires?”

Me: “Um… ma’am, we are rafting on a river. This is not a ride. There are no wires.”

Customer: “I thought this was a ride, like at a theme park.”

Me: “No, ma’am, this is a real river.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Guess I better not fall out, then.” *continues paddling*

(My friend and I are walking and I see something in the distance but can’t quite work out what it is.)

Me: “What are those white things? Wait, your eyes are worse than mine.”

Friend: “I don’t know… What do you mean my eyes are better than yours? I’m short-sighted!”

Me: “I know… That’s why I said they’re worse than mine. Like your hearing apparently…”

(My four-year-old daughter is at a park, where she sees a boy come into the area she’s playing in. It is the first kid to come around this area of the park, so she’s happy.)

Daughter: “Hi, my name is [Daughter]. What is your name?”

Boy: *overly excited and throws his arms up in the air* “I’m [Boy]. I can’t find the… BURIED… treasure!”

Daughter: “We can find it!”

(And thus began thirty minutes of running everywhere looking for it.)