Not Quite My Hero

| Romantic | January 23, 2012

(My boyfriend and I are walking in the park. He brings up marriage, even though I told him before we became an item that I never want to get married. We have recently been to a Foo Fighters concert together.)

Boyfriend: “So, your friends said that the perfect time for me to propose to you would have been when the Foo Fighters played ‘Everlong’. Did I miss my perfect opportunity?”

Me: “What? No! That would have been horrible! I’m so glad you didn’t! Who even said that?”

Boyfriend: “Why would that have been so horrible? It’s your favourite Foo’s song!”

Me: “Yeah, it is! But if you proposed and I’d say no. It would have ruined that song for me! Forever!”

Boyfriend: “But, why would you have said no? Don’t you love me?”

Me: “Of course I love you! But I’ve told you, I just don’t want to get married! Ever! To anyone!”

Boyfriend: “Seriously? Not even if I asked you?”

Me: “No. Sorry. It’s the same as when you told me before we got together that you never wanted to have children. If we’re going to be together, it’s just something we have to live with.”

Boyfriend: *muttering* “I would’ve wanted children if you asked me during a Foo Fighters concert.”

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City Of Love? Paris The Thought

| Romantic | January 4, 2012

(My boyfriend and I are taking our first holiday together in Paris. It is a particularly nice sunny morning. We are sitting in the shade of some trees under the Eiffel Tower and eating ice cream.)

Me: “This is so nice. I’m glad we decided to come here, I think it has been really good for our relationship to spend this time alone together.”

(My boyfriend starts to chuckle.)

Me: “What’s so funny?”

Boyfriend: *points* “That pigeon is really fat!”

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The Great State Of Confusion

| Right | November 8, 2011

(I work at the front booth charging entry and parking fees to park visitors. Most of these visitors are tourists from Chicago. The entry fee is different for in-state and out-of-state license plates on the vehicles.)

Me: “Hello! Welcome to [state park]. Do you have a Michigan license plate or an out of state license plate?”

Customer: “No. No, I don’t have that.”

Me: “Are you from Michigan or out-of-state? What is the state on your license plate?”

(Suddenly, the customer screams loudly and throws his hands up in the air as if he were terrified.)

Customer: “My ID! You need to see my ID? I have ID!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t need to see your ID. I just want to know where you are from.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Me: “What state are you from?”

Customer: “Chicago. The state of Chicago.”

 

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Fat Chance, Fathead

| Romantic | September 16, 2011

Boyfriend: “When we get married, we need to have kids right away.”

Me: “Uh, I’m not even sure I want kids.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, it’s okay. I’d rather adopt so they don’t turn out like you.”

Me: “Like me?”

Boyfriend: “You know, fat.”

(Yeah, we broke up not long after.)

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Caldera Cravings

, , , , , | Right | February 19, 2011

Tourist: “Have I seen everything there is to see here?”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. What have you seen?”

Tourist: “Everything on the way in. Have I seen it all?”

(I point out several of the other options.)

Tourist: “Can I drive through any of the caves?”

Me: “Nope, sorry. They all have to be walked through.”

Tourist: “That’s ridiculous! Is there at least an elevator?”

Me: “Nope, just stairs.”

Tourist: “Well, where’s the river of lava? I was here a few years ago, and I got to stand by the lava.”

Me: “Ma’am, molten lava hasn’t been here for over 1,000 years.”

Tourist: “Yes, it has! I’ve seen it! You just haven’t been here long enough!”


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