(I am watching my two-year-old nephew in the park while my brother and Dad are flying kites in a field nearby. My nephew is at the stage where he asks what EVERYTHING is regardless of whether he already knows what it is. This is one of the most classic cases of it.)

Nephew: “Oh… Aunty [My Name].” *points at a magpie* “What’s that?”

Me: “That’s a magpie, darl.”

Nephew: *frowns* “No. It’s a bird.”

Me: *smiling and shrugging after having this kind of discussion before* “Yes, it is a bird but his name is Magpie. You know how like your dog’s name is Ella?”

Nephew: “Oh! Okay.” *thinks for a moment then points to another bird* “What’s his name?”

Me: “That’s a Rosella.”

Nephew: “Rose… ella…”

Me: “Yep, that’s right!”

(Cue him leading me around the park, asking what things were, then what their names were. It was entertaining.)

(The dog park I go to has a side for the small dogs and a side for the large dogs. I have a huge American Bulldog who loves people more than anything and is extremely gentle. My dog decides to run up to a little boy as soon as I took off his leash.)

Boy’s Mother: “Get your vicious dog away from my boy!”

Me: “Lady, my dog isn’t vicious and he’s just licking your son’s hands.”

Boy’s Mother: “He’s huge and vicious. Why the f*** would you bring that monster here?”

Me: “First of all, lady, it’s a dog park which is why I brought my dog here. Secondly, it’s the large dog side which is why I brought my dog here. And lastly, if you don’t want a dog near your kid then don’t bring him here and take him to a regular park because WE ARE IN THE LARGE DOG SIDE OF THE DOG PARK!”

(Other dog owners came over to back me up until she left. Apparently, she had complained more than once about a dog being near her kid that morning, but I was the first to fight back.)

(My friend is agender. We’re at a park eating lunch and my friend is trying on a hoodie they bought at a shop we just went to.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name], look at this!”

(They flip the hood over their head. It covers their entire face and goes halfway down their neck.)

Friend: “I am the hidden agender!”

Me: “You’re a f***ing nerd.”

Friend: *takes the hood off* “Aww, you’re no fun.”

(Thinking about that pun still makes me laugh.)

(My dad is an intense mountain biker; he’s 50 and has been biking for over a decade. You maybe wouldn’t guess since he looks his age but he’s really healthy and does things like river rescue training in his spare time, so he’s got a lot of stamina. He’s also a pretty nice guy. He’s all about following the rules of the road, like pedestrians first, and minding the horseback riders sharing the trails. Just today he told me this story about a rookie biker while he was up on one of the smaller, longer trails.)

Dad: “I was heading up on a trail, and I got to a part that was straight mountain on one side and a drop on the other, and this young guy comes up behind me. Now usually when a biker wants to pass anyone, he’ll say ‘on your left’ and wait until anyone in front of him moves. This guy, though, I guess he didn’t want to. He decided to speed up to try to pass me and he bumped me. He was on the side with the rock; he almost tipped me off. This was a very thin trail, too. There’s barely any room for two people to walk side by side. He bumped me, and he lost balance and stopped, and I stopped. So then I said:”

(In story:)

Dad: “Hey! You gotta be careful, man. You could’ve gotten someone hurt.”

Rookie: “Yeah, yeah. Sorry.”

Dad: “Seriously, man, all you gotta do is give a heads up.”

Rookie: “Yeah, whatever.” *rides away*

(Out of story:)

Dad: “So I decided not to get angry; you know, he’s just a cocky young guy, he probably wanted to feel good about himself or thought I was going slow, whatever. I decided, hey, I’ve got time. I caught up to him, just riding a ways behind him, not losing sight. Eventually, he took a turn for an easier pass, because there’s this incline that’s shorter but really steep. I took the steep path and when he got back on the trail he ended up behind me. Afterwards, I kept my rhythm, but whenever I could hear him catch up, I’d speed up ahead until I was far enough and go back to my rhythm. We kept this up for an hour or so. I gotta say, he did help me beat my best time.”

(I work for a city park and we often find scammers posing as tour guides. I’ve heard some say ridiculous things, but this one takes the cake.)

Fake Tour Guide: “So, this is the fountain where they filmed the ‘Friends’ theme song…”

(This is a remote park in Utah and the “fountain” is literally a pond with stones around it.)

Me: “Excuse me—”

(Before I can say anything, a woman in the tour group runs up and starts collecting stones and putting them in her purse.)

Woman: “I can’t believe Jennifer Aniston touched these stones! I’m going to be rich!”