For Duck Sake!

| USA | Friendly | May 16, 2017

(The park in our city has two lakes: one for fishing, and one for ducks. My friends and I all decide to spend our day fishing, since we all have conflicting schedules and we rarely all have a break on the same day or time. We start doing our own things until an old woman dressed in really posh clothing comes over to where we are fishing and starts throwing bread. Obviously, this starts to scare the fish and we all just stare in dismay, but decide it’s not worth the trouble and just move to another place. Incredibly, she starts following us. At this point, we’re a little bit upset that a woman is purposely trying to ruin our only day off together. We decide to speak up.)

Friend #1: “Hey, uh, ma’am, do you mind not feeding the ducks here?”

Woman: “Why not? They seem pretty happy.”

Friend #1: “Well, we’re trying to fish here, and you’re kind of scaring off the fish.”

Woman: *irate* “THEN WHY DON’T YOU STOP F****** FISHING, YOU F******? THIS IS A LAKE FULL OF LIFE AND YOU ARE MURDERING ALL OF THE WILDLIFE.”

Friend #2: “You’re bringing an invasive species into another species’ homeland!”

Woman: “ONLY SO THAT THEY’LL GO ALONG GREAT TOGETHER. Y’ALL MURDERING LITTLE PIECES OF S***. I GOT HALF A MIND TO GRAB MY HUSBAND. HE IS THE OWNER OF THIS PARK, YOU KNOW!”

(This went back and forth, us yelling at the woman to f*** off and let us fish, and her screaming that we were murderers for fishing in a FISHING lake. We grabbed the park ranger and he eventually banned her.)

Waving Ignorance Goodbye

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Related | May 8, 2017

(I’m at the park with my four-year-old son when a couple walks by. The woman is wearing a niqab (a long garment and veil that covers everything but her eyes), which is not uncommon in our suburb. It’s a windy day so her clothes are blowing around a bit.)

Son: *turns round and sees the couple passing us* “Look, a ghost!”

Me: “She’s not a ghost; she’s a woman. Say hello.”

(We wave; the woman waves; they walk off.)

Son: “But why was she wearing a ghost costume?”

Me: “She really wasn’t…”

Their Death Is Worth Less

| CO, USA | Right | May 4, 2017

(Our flag is currently at half-staff due to a park ranger dying while on duty in another national Park.)

Visitor: “Why is the flag at half mast?”

Me: *thinking — well half-staff, but that’s not the point* “A ranger lost his life in the line of duty.”

Visitor: “Oh, thank goodness! I thought something important happened!”

Me: “Umm… something important did happen. A fellow ranger just died.”

Visitor: *walking off waving her hand dismissively* “Oh, you know what I mean!”

Like, Oh, My F****** God, Totally!

| Chicago, IL, USA | Friendly | May 4, 2017

(I am a teenage girl, but I dress in a way that people consider to be “masculine” (i.e., short hair, boys clothing) and hang out with a group of guys my age. My friends tend to curse like sailors, and I don’t mind, though I don’t curse at all unless I’m extremely angry (and I’m pretty laid back). My friends also like to joke about how I often kill two birds with one stone. This happens during our lunch from a not-so-great restaurant.)

Friend #1: *complaining about the quality of the food* “This sandwich is the worst piece of s*** I’ve ever had.”

Friend #2: “How dare you insult sandwiches by calling this thing one?”

Me: *sipping my warm soda, speaking in an uncharacteristically girly tone* “Ohmigosh, if they have a refrigerator, they should f***ing use it!”

All Friends: *stare at me in surprise*

Friend #3: “[My Name]… what?”

Best Friend: “Let’s have a round of applause for [My Name], who managed to be at her most profane and her girliest at the same time.”

Me: *closing and tossing the soda* “[Best Friend], shut up.”

(They still bring this up whenever I claim I don’t swear or I’m not a multi-tasker.)

Penis And Boobs Are Childs Play

| USA | Friendly | April 23, 2017

(I am fourteen and babysitting at the park. I’m walking to the slide with the kid I’m watching. When we get there, a kid who can’t be much older than four pokes me in the leg.)

Me: “Oh, hello there!”

Rude Kid: “You’re too old to be playing on the playground!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.”

(I was about to turn and guide my kid up the slide, but the rude kid immediately bursts into tears.)

Me: “Oh, no! Are you okay?”

Rude Kid: *runs off bawling*

(I assume that’s the last of him, and continue on my way. A few minutes later, however, the rude kid returns with his mom.)

Mom: “My little sweetums said you made him cry!”

Me: *gets a horrible feeling from the use of the word “sweetums” — has any normal, non-spoiled brat ever been called sweetums? — but stays professional* “I’m sorry to hear that… What did I do?”

Mom: “He said you kicked tanbark in his face and said his penis was small!”

Me: “I, uh, what?”

Rude Kid: “Yeah, I just wanted to touch your booooobs!”

My Kid: “Your what?” *starts giggling* “That’s a funny word!”

Me: *to My Kid* “Ask your mom a little later. Can you go play in the sandbox with [My Kid’s Friend]?” *to Rude Kid’s mom* “Ma’am, the fact that your son knows these words is a bit odd to me, but I won’t question your parenting. Your son told me I was too old for the playground and burst into tears after I acknowledged him.”

Mom: *ignoring half of what I said* “How do you know what penis and boobs mean?”

Me: “With all due respect, I’m fourteen. I’ve had sex ed twice. With that said, I’m going to leave this conversation as I see no benefits to continuing it. All I can say is please, please, think about your parenting. Goodbye.”

(We had a relatively good day at the park after that. The lady actually ended up being hauled off after trying to pummel someone who politely asked her “sweetums” to stop blocking the slide. I really hope I never run into anyone like her ever again.)

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