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The Dumbstruck Of Notre Dame

, , , , , | Right | August 8, 2022

I’m an American student studying abroad in Paris, France. I am lining up outside the famous Notre Dame cathedral. Behind me are a couple of other American tourists, two bougie girls who speak in that stereotypical “valley girl” accent.

Girl #1: “Why is that sign asking us to cover our shoulders?!”

Girl #2: “Yeah, it’s not like this place is a church or something!”

I roll my eyes, pay my entry fee, and walk into the place. I am admiring the amazing architecture. I assume the valley girls behind me are doing the same, as I overhear quite loudly:

Girl #2: “OMG, it is a church!”

Double-Whammy Scammy

, , , , , , | Legal | August 5, 2022

Our state-sponsored health system, like plenty of services, has scammers who send fake emails coming from it to get people to give their personal information. One of the more frequent ones, which also makes it among those for which warnings are given by all channels available, are emails claiming that the personal card associated with it needs to be renewed.

While checking her email on her phone while in a park, my mother brain-farts her way into falling for the scam instead of deleting the email as she usually does. About ten minutes after she provides the scam with her credit card information, she gets a call.

Caller: “Hello, I’m from [Bank]. Are you in [City on the other side of the country]?”

Mother: “No.”

Caller: “Your card got charged there for [list of at least three different transactions].”

This is about the point at which my mother clicks that she has fallen for a scam.

Mother: “You don’t sound like the person who usually calls from [Bank].”

Caller: “I’m from the fraud department. Now, I’m going to walk you through using the [Bank] app to block your credit card.”

Mother: “I just gave a scammer my credit card information. I’m out of the house right now and I’d rather go home to block the card from the [Bank] website.”

After this, the caller kept insisting that she let them walk her through using the app to block her card immediately. She eventually gave them a firm “no,” hung up, and returned home to get things taken care of via her usual bank contact information. The insistence that she immediately use the app aside, several small details noticed in hindsight strongly hinted toward the caller being part of the scam but not ready to deal with someone newly on guard about sharing personal information.

If You’re Going To Be A Jerk, Do It Quietly

, , , , , , , | Friendly | September 5, 2021

I’m a Brit on a bus in France with my Bulgarian friend and my French friend. We’re going to a French convention and the French friend has kindly offered us her abode. Going by accent, there’s a very loud American couple making derogatory comments about the passengers and generally about France in English, clearly thinking we can’t understand them.

My Bulgarian speaks loudly to my French friend in English.

Bulgarian Friend: “I think it’s very interesting that my school in Bulgaria had me learn English. Do they do the same in France?”

My French friend replies just as loudly, also in English.

French Friend: “Oh, yes. In fact, in Paris, you’ll be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn’t understand English at least a little. Hey, [My Name], what about you?”

Me: “Being from England, it means it’s pretty much all I can speak. Although I can tell you where I live in French if you want?”

French Friend: “Please don’t butcher my beautiful language.”

Random German Man: “We also learnt English in Germany!”

Random American Lady At The Back: “I’m from Louisiana! So we have English and… a different French.”

The couple was strangely quiet for the rest of the journey.

Bags Of Helpfulness

, , , , | Right | August 13, 2021

My luggage was stolen during a work trip. As a result, the selection of clothes available for my return voyage is dramatically limited. The current restrictions on people movement and shop opening hours don’t help either, so I have to make do with something that won’t get me arrested and is not soiled or stinking. Almost as soon as I reach the airport, well in advance of departure time, another traveller waves to me.

Traveller #1: “Excuse me, sir? What’s the way to the railway station?”

I check the overhead signs and tell him. He thanks me and leaves. I complete my check-in and go through security controls and toward the gates. The route, as often happens, winds through the duty-free shop.

Traveller #2: “Sir? Sir, please? How does one get through?”

There are arrow signs on the floor, so I can easily point her in the right direction. She thanks me and runs ahead. I keep walking.

Traveller #3: *Showing me his boarding pass* “Excuse me. Where? Please.”

I checked and we were going the same way, so I just told him to stay with me. I left him at the right gate and he thanked me profusely. Finally, I reached my own gate and sat down, getting strange looks from the other people waiting.

Only then did it dawn on me why so many lost-looking foreign travellers approached me of all people: I was walking around unhurriedly, with no luggage, wearing a none-too-clean high-viz parka with a massive company logo and English motto on the back!

Who Mourns For Adonis?

, , , , , , | Right | March 23, 2021

I am conducting an English-speaking tour of the museum for some American tourists. We are in the Greek history section where we have several very famous and beautiful statues from the period.

Me: “This is the statue of Adonis, the ancient Greek god of beauty and desire.”

I am interrupted by one of the tourists, a middle-aged woman.

Tourist: “Nu-uh! That’s a man!”

Me: “Yes, Adonis was a male god.”

Tourist: “Ain’t no man gonna be a god of beauty. That’s the… uh… the Venus!”

Me: “Venus was the Roman goddess of beauty and love, and her Greek counterpart would have been Aphrodite.”

Tourist: “No! No man is going to be beautiful! That’s just wrong!”

Me: “I… uh… Well, I am sorry, ma’am, but that’s what the ancient Greeks believed.”

Tourist: “I bet he was one of those men who dressed up as women! That’s wrong!”

I let her rant for a while as she was not being too loud and I could continue the tour, only for my heart to sink as we progressed along the tour and got to another famous statue: Hermaphroditus, the god of hermaphrodites and effeminates.


This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

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