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Just Call It Angel Aerobics

, , , , | Related | December 13, 2021

Due to distance, I’m no longer greatly involved in the church I grew up in, but I still hear some stories from my father, who is on the church board. I’m a bit of a Bible nerd and have read a lot about church history.

Dad: “I’m going to have to go to church for a meeting tonight.”

Me: “Deacon duties?”

Dad: “No, the council is arguing about a program, and we’re trying to figure out what to do. Someone wants to start a church-led yoga program, but people are raising a fuss because of yoga’s roots in Hinduism.”

Me: “No one tell them where Christian holidays come from.”

I can only imagine the people at my church gasping in shock and clutching their pearls upon learning that almost every Christian holiday was placed where it was on the calendar to overwrite another holiday.

The yoga program never came to fruition.

Putting His Bigfoot Right In His Big Mouth

, , , , | Related | December 11, 2021

My family has a private campground up near the Allegheny National Forest. There are a few trails in the woods to walk on near the campground. Bears are a common occurrence in the area and I am utterly terrified of bears.

One day, I am walking one of the trails with my dog and my dad when we hear something in the woods.

Me: “Oh, s***! What if it’s a bear?!”

Dad: “Or… it could be a bigfoot.”

Before I can say anything else, my dad proceeds to try and do a “bigfoot call”.

Me: “Are you crazy?”

Dad: “What’s the issue?”

Me: “What if there really was a bear and you’re attracting it to us?! Do I need to remind you that there’s no cell phone service up here, so if something happened we’d be goners?”

Dad: “I forgot about that part.”

Her Parenting Ain’t Worth Spit

, , , | Right | December 9, 2021

A family of about twelve comes in. Due to health guidelines, we’re only allowed to seat six per table. They walk up to me and one of the ladies says:

Customer: “We have a reservation for fifteen but we might have a couple more coming.”

So this isn’t even all of them?!

Me: *Politely.* “We can’t accept tables bigger than six, and we’re also not taking reservations at the moment.”

Customer: *Livid.* “You liar! I called earlier and you accepted my reservations!”

Her complaining goes on and on. I go to grab my manager and he basically says everything I said. Then she gets aggressive, points her finger in my face, spitting on me as she shouts:

Customer: “My kid’s dinner is ruined and they’re gonna starve now! It’s all your fault!”

Me: “It’s not my fault you’re incompetent and make false promises to your kids. Don’t blame being a bad mom on me because I just work here.”

Soooooo my boss sends me on time out, but I didn’t get fired. He told me to just leave next time if I’m gonna get upset.

I Need To Go Write A M*A*S*H/Bob’s Burgers Crossover Fanfic Now

, , , , , , , | Related | December 9, 2021

I’m joking with my dad about planning my funeral.

Me: “I’m gonna have a TV in the corner that just plays Bob’s Burgers on a loop the whole time.”

I pause for a second and decide to poke fun at my dad as he is the world’s biggest “M*A*S*H” fan.

Me: “At your funeral, I’ll play M*A*S*H.”

Dad: “I know you’re joking right now, but please actually do that. I think it’ll add a nice touch.”

Me: “Now you’re gonna tell me you want to be buried with your Kindle because your favorite game is on it?”

Dad: “Stop perfectly planning my funeral! I’m not dead yet! But please, yes, also do that.”

My Parents The Monsters

, , , , | Right | December 8, 2021

My mom used to run restaurants. My stepfather used to be a chef in high-end restaurants, and he is the kind of guy who expects to be treated better than he is currently being treated, regardless of whatever that treatment is. They are not fun to go out to eat with. My wife and I pride ourselves on being a “relief” table when we go out to eat. Both of us have been servers, and there’s always the counterpoint to the difficult table, which is us. Barring horrible service or bad food, we are super easy customers, tip well, and try to have a good time with our server. Furthermore, we just treat people nicely. So, you can imagine our disdain when my parents act like they’re royalty at a dinner service.

My wife and I went out to dinner with them. They were being particularly tough. My mom was acting like she was Gordon Ramsey, analyzing the business, critiquing everything down to the number of bubbles in her seltzer.

Mom: “It looks like it’s time to change the CO2!”

My stepdad was getting more and more heated over stupid things, like the amount of ice in his drink and how the waitress didn’t top off his water fast enough. He was barely sipping on it.

It came to a head when my stepfather ordered a steak medium-well, and it came back medium-well. For some reason, he changed his mind that he wanted it medium rare while it was cooking, and they didn’t read his mind, so he gave attitude, as did my mom. They jumped really quickly to demanding free stuff. I’m an adult, and this may be the first time they realized this. I interrupted them in front of the server and said something like:

Me: “Really? This is what you’re doing. That’s what you ordered!” *To the server* “We do not need anything comped.”

I then pulled out my wallet and handed her my card.

Me: “This is for the bill. We’ll happily wrap up with what we have here. I’m very sorry for their behavior; you’re doing great.”

Then, I uttered the line that stung them so deep they still bring it up years later.

Me: “I was taught to treat people nicely — a lesson that seems to be forgotten. Thank you.”

My parents turned red and the server walked away. I looked down and cut my steak, and I didn’t say a word. They were so flabbergasted that the meal was virtually silent, except for me asking my stepfather how his steak was a few minutes later. I signed the check and gave a big tip, and we walked out and said goodbyes. They’ve been nicer to servers each time that we’ve gone out since.