(Many young couples with young children belong to my pool, and many of them ask a lot of questions. A man leads his six-year-old son into our guard office.)

Pool Patron: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

Me: “Yes, sir? Can I help you?”

Pool Patron: “I’m very scared my son is in trouble.”

Me: “Is he okay? Did he hurt himself in the pool? Are there any major injuries?”

Pool Patron: “His skin is all wrinkled and soft. It feels strange. Is it going to fall off?”

Me: “Sir, that happens to everyone’s skin who has been in water for an extended period of time.”

Pool Patron: “So, his skin won’t fall off, right?”

(I work at a snack cart across from the gorilla enclosure. A woman walks up to me and this conversation ensued.)

Customer: “Look! Look! The gorillas are fighting!”

Me: “No, they just rough-house like that about this time every day.”

Customer: “No, that’s fighting. Someone’s going to get hurt.”

Me: “Ma’am, seriously, that’s how they play.”

Customer: “That’s a fight! Stop them! Right now! It’s a bad example for the children.”

Me: “Stop them… how?”

Customer: “Get in there and make them cut it out right now!”

Me: *staring at her while other customers in line laugh*

Customer: *stomping off* “I’m telling your boss you won’t stop that violence!”

Next Customer In Line: “So you’re in charge of gorillas AND churros, huh?”

This story is part of the second Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

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(A man walks up to me with his son while I’m tending the bird section.)

Man: “Excuse me, what are those birds?”

Me: “They’re bald eagles.”

Man: “Well, that’s just so god-d**n cheap! Our nation’s capital, and we can’t even afford young eagles!”

Me: “Sir, that eagle isn’t very old at all. Eagles have a life span of–”

Man: “Don’t give me any excuses! I know they’re old! They’re bald! You only get bald when you’re old!”

Man’s Son: “Yeah, just like you, Dad!”

Man: “NOT ANOTHER WORD! WE’RE OUT OF HERE!”

(Apparently, on his way out he complained about the same thing to three zookeepers, and all three of them just laughed.)

(A woman comes up to the counter where I am manning the register. She has her teenaged daughter in tow.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, we’re just going to get this dress for my daughter. She’s going to her homecoming dance. She finally has a date. For a while we thought she was a lesbian, but then–”

Customer’s Daughter: “MOM! ”

Me: “Right then. That’ll be $56.99.”

Customer: “What?! That sign said it was 50% off!”

Me: “Er, I don’t think so. Let me check the system… Sorry, ma’am, our system says it’s full price.”

Customer: “That’s crazy! I saw it with my own eyes!” *walks off*

(I wait on several more customers before the woman comes back, holding a sign that says 50% off, obviously handmade with a marker and a piece of paper.)

Customer: “See? I told you so.”

Me: “Ma’am, where did you get that sign?”

Customer: “I just got it off the rack.”

Me: “Ma’am, those signs are welded to the rack. It’s apparent you just made that.”

Customer: “I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

Me: “And we’ll sue you for trying to screw us over.”

Customer’s Daughter: “Mom, just stop.”

Customer: “We’re leaving!”

(A man is picking up a prescription for his infant child.)

Customer: “How much did you say the prescription was?”

Me: “$49.99.”

Customer: “What’s the difference between this and what I can get over the counter?”

Me: “There’s no cough medicine you can give your eight-month-old, sir, other than this.”

Customer: “Well, what’s in it?”

(He picks up the prescription papers and starts rustling through them.)

Customer: “If I can buy everything that’s in it over the counter, I’ll just make it myself.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

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