Me: “Hello, [My Name], [Office]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. Yeah, I’m coming into New York next week and I was wondering if you could watch my kid for a while.”

Me: “…Excuse me?”

Caller: “I googled ‘entertainment’ and ‘New York’ and your name came up. I saw that you do stuff with [Children’s TV Channel]. Where are you guys? Can I just drop her off?”

Me: “Sir, this is an office. We handle transmedia needs for companies like [Children’s TV Channel] that want to expand awareness of their media into other formats.”

Caller: “Oh, is that good for kids?”

(I’m working at a movie theatre when a woman and her son who looks about eight storms outside and up to me at the box office.)

Customer: “I demand my money back for our movie!”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Because it’s been within the first thirty minutes I can refund you the full price. What movie was it that you went to see?”

Customer: “Sin City!”

Me: *begins to refund the two tickets*

Customer: “You know, this is ridiculous. You should have told me that this movie was inappropriate for my child. There’s not even a notice anywhere telling me this!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “How on earth was I supposed to know that this movie is inappropriate? You really should have told me!”

Me: “Are you serious? The movie is rated 18A, the poster right in front of you has a half-naked lady dancing, AND it’s called SIN City! Did you expect it to be about bunnies and rainbows?”

Customer: *grabs her money and storms off with her son*

Customer: “I need to return this game. It’s too hard for my son.”

Employee: “Well, miss, according to your reciept, you bought this new. So, all you can do is get another copy of the same thing if it’s defective.”

Customer: “Who the h*** are you? I’ve never seen you before!”

Employee: “I’ve been here for close to a year…”

Customer: “I’ve been coming here for a long time and I’ve never seen you!”

Employee: “Well, be that as it may, you cannot return the game. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Me: “Miss, I am the store manager here and what my associate is telling you is true; you cannot return the game and you need to leave. I will not tolerate you insulting my employees.”

Customer: “Make me leave! See what happens!”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just call security. Will that do it for you?”

Customer: “Call security! I’ll call the cops!”

Me: “Be my guest… That’d be awesome.”

Customer: “I’m the store manager of [Store] across the street and I’d never treat a customer this way!”

Me: “Would you break return policy just because someone is yelling?”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

Me: *to employee* “What game was it, anyway?”

Employee: “…Nintendogs.”

(A mother and her teenage son come through my line…)

Me: “Hello, did you find everything you need?”

Mother: “Yes, we did.”

(I notice she is buying party items, including cups, soda, pizzas, napkins… and condoms.)

Me: “Oh, are you having a party soon?”

Mother: *nods* “My little [Son] is growing up. He’s going to have an orgy with all his little friends, aren’t you Captain Muffinpants?”

Me: *suppresses laughter* “Will that be all?”

Son: “YES! YES, THAT WILL BE ALL!” *runs to car*

Customer: “My son let go of the balloons. I need more.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, that takes a long time to do and we’re very busy now. It will take at least an hour.”

Customer: “But the party is now! What the f*** am I supposed to do with no balloons?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it takes a while. I will do them as fast as possible.”

(He leaves and I start to fill up so many balloons my fingers are red.)

Customer: “About time!”

Me: “Okay, sir. I’m sorry you lost the balloons, so I took 25% off.”

Customer: “You’re charging me for these?!”

Me: “Yes, you are buying more balloons.”

Customer: “But I just paid for balloons, and they flew away.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you bought them and you’re buying more. I need to charge you.”

Customer: “But this was your fault! You shouldn’t have made them so… floaty!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but these are less… floaty.”

Customer: “Really?”

Me: *sarcastically* “Yes!”