(This is a lake town in New Hampshire, so we see a lot of Quebecers in the summer.)

Mother: “What’s wrong with your lake?”

Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

Mother: “Your lake is bad. There’s something nasty in it.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know about that… I myself swim in there fairly often…”

Mother: “Well, your lake has made my son smell like garbage! Your lake must have garbage in it!”

Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s just not true.”

Mother: “You must have built up resistance or something. Here, smell him.” *pushes son towards me*

Me: “Excuse me? I’d rather not smell your son.”

Mother: “So you admit that he smells like garbage from your lake! You people should do something about this.” *takes her groceries and leaves, smiling in a superior fashion*

Coworker: “Did she seriously want you to smell her son?”

(Our store is near the university campus, right next to the dorms. I received an odd call one day.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Gas Station]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, my daughter lives in the dorms right next to you, and I was wondering what your store is.”

Me: “It’s a gas station, and inside there’s a convenience store with soda, snacks, stuff like that.”

Caller: “Is it a grocery store?”

Me: “No… it’s a gas station and convenience store. We have chips, candy, etc. We have a fountain with soda, and also coffee.”

Caller: “So, it’s a grocery store?”

Me: “No… we don’t have grocery products. We have a SMALL supply of cheap toilet paper, milk, and tampons. I doubt your daughter would come here for anything except the ATM and coffee, or gas if she drives.”

Caller: “Well, I want to make sure my daughter will be okay. What kind of store is it?”

Me: *starting to get annoyed* “It’s a gas station. There are pumps in the front to get gas at. We also have snacks. It’s a convenience store and a gas station.”

Caller: “I don’t understand. She’s away at college and I don’t know if she’ll be okay.”

Me: “Ma’am, she’ll be fine. Have a nice day, goodbye.” *hanging up*

(A few minutes later, a skinny blond girl enters the store.)

Girl: *talking on her cell phone* “Yeah, Mom, they have coffee, soda, gum, chips, and an ATM… It’s a convenience store, Mom. Yes, they sell gas; there are pumps outside!”

Me: *headdesk*

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Store]. My name is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, ma’am, I was wondering if you had any Mario Karts?”

Me: “For the Nintendo Wii? No, ma’am, we are currently sold out.”

Customer: “Okay, but are you sure you don’t have any stocked up in the back that you’re ‘holding’ for someone?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We have none in stock whatsoever.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t think you’re helping me out too much with this sale.”

Me: “Ma’am? There’s not really much I can do.”

Customer: “No, I don’t think you UNDERSTAND. It is IMPERATIVE that I get this game for Christmas. You DO know what that means, right?”

Me: “I’m fully capable of understanding a four-syllable word, ma’am. However, that game has been a very hot item this Christmas, and has been nearly impossible to find. Im-poss-i-ble. You DO know what that means, right?”

Customer: “WHY DON’T YOU GO ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR YOUR CUSTOMERS?”

Me: “Ma’am, what more can I possibly do? We don’t have any physically in the store.”

Customer: “Well, thanks a lot! Now you’re gonna make me look like a bad Santa in front of my children!”

Me: “Ma’am, a good Santa wouldn’t have waited two days before Christmas.”

This story is part of the Mario-themed roundup!

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Read the Mario-themed roundup!

This story is part of the Christmas Eve roundup!

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(A man walks up to our hot case with his wife and two little girls.)

Me: “Hi! How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, we wanted to get some chicken strips.”

(As I am taking his order, I notice his daughters are licking the hot case glass.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir, but your daughters are licking the glass.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Well… aside from the fact that the glass is hot, we cleaned it this morning with a chemical cleaner to wash off a layer of grease build-up.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “The chemical we used is a known carcinogen. I might suggest that you stop your daughters from ingesting it.”

Customer: “Look, lady. You’ve obviously never been a parent. When you have kids, you’ll learn that it’s MUCH easier to just let your kids do whatever they want.”

(I have a flat-screen TV near my workplace that was showing a recent cartoon on DVD: “Tinkerbell”. A customer comes by with her toddler daughter in the cart, and watches a bit of the movie with the child.)

Customer: “Aw, that’s cute! What movie is that?”

Me: “It’s Tinkerbell“.

Customer: “My little girl likes that one. How much is it?”

Me: “It’s new, so it should be around 15 to 20 dollars.”

Customer: “15 to 20 dollars?! That’s almost all of my beer money!”