(My aunt and uncle have recently moved from a big city to a small farm out in the country, and they’re planning what to do with their new land. Mom happens to mention one of the things my uncle plans to do now that he has some space.)

Mom: “[Uncle] says he wants to buy a miniature donkey now.”

Me: *without thinking* “Well, if he’s going to have a midlife crisis, getting a little a** is better than chasing after a lot of a**.”

(I am having a conversation with my 92-year-old mother for my parents’ anniversary:)

Me: “Happy anniversary. Sorry I couldn’t reach you yesterday.”

Mom: “I don’t know where we were, but can you believe we’ve been married 73 years?”

Me: “74 years.”

Mom: “No, 73 years.”

Me: “[Sister] will be 73 in three weeks. Did you have her three weeks after you got married?”

Mom: “No! We didn’t do it like that back then. Guess I’ve been married 74 years.”

(I work in the after-school program. This child is five and calls his grandfather “Poppy”.)

Boy: “I love when Poppy visits! We have fart contests! Except we can’t play when Mommy’s home.”

Me: “Oh, because your mom doesn’t let you?”

Boy: “No, because she always wins!”

(I’m female, and in my early 20s I am feeling out my nascent lesbianism. My family is pretty cool, but I am still quite nervous about coming out, especially as I’m not sure if I am gay, bi, confused, or going through a phase. One night, I go to the cinema with my dad to see the first Bridget Jones movie. At the end, he turns to me and, clearly trying to use young-person language, says:)

Dad: “So, Colin Firth? Is he… fit, then?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Ermmmmmm. Um… Ah. Um… Well, Dad, I’m not so much into boys at the minute.”

Dad: *without missing a beat* “So, Renée Zellweger. Is she fit, then?”

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Sister: “We’re writing acrostics in English class.”

Dad: “I get acrostic when I don’t get a nap.”

Me: “When you get acrostic do you tell people to take a haiku?”

Dad: “No, but I will now!”

Sister: “I hate both of you.”

This story is part of the International Joke Day roundup!

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