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Going For Broke With The Gouda

, , , , | Right | June 12, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “[Pizza Place]. Will this be for delivery or carry-out?”

Caller: “Delivery.”

(We go through the order, and we come to the toppings.)

Caller: “Yeah, a supreme pizza. And make sure the toppings aren’t cheesy!”

Me: “You don’t want cheese on them?”

Caller: “No! I said I don’t want them to be cheesy!”

Me: “Um, our toppings are of good quality…”

Caller: “I’m sure they are, but I don’t want them cheesy! CHEESY!”

(I hear a kid’s voice in the background.)

Caller: “Oh, my eight-year-old says to say, ‘don’t hold back on the toppings.’ You understand that?”

Me: “Oh… yes, I understand now.”

Caller: “Good. Don’t be cheesy.”


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Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk

, , , , | Right | June 11, 2009

(I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)

Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”

Customer: “Yes, I would.”

Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the keypad.”

(The total rings up as $24.32.)

Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”

Me: “Okay…”

(We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)

Customer: “Well, what do I do?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Mom.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”

Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry… I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”

Customer’s Daughter: *to me* “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”

Customer: “Smart-a**!”

Driving Dad To The Edge

, , , , | Right | June 4, 2009

Customer: *on the phone* “I need you to turn my TV back on.”

Me: “Okay, let me see why it isn’t on.” *checking* “It looks like you are two months behind in your payments to us. I need to collect payment for two months’ service, as well as $10 in late fees. Which card would you like to put that on?”

Customer: “I don’t have the money right now, but I need you to turn on the TV right away! I need the TV for my kids! I’ve been playing with them and reading stories with them, and this has just got to stop! Turn the TV back on right now!”

New And Improved High-Def Hunger

, , , , | Right | June 1, 2009

(A customer whose account had been overdrawn for some time calls our bank.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry, but your card was turned off because your account is currently overdrawn $2,000.”

Caller: “But I don’t think that you understand. When I get paid, I need to buy food for my children.”

(We are able to reverse some overdraft fees if the situation warrants it. I review the woman’s account to see where her money is going.)

Me: “Ma’am, you said you buy food for your children after each paycheck?”

Caller: “Yes! I need money to buy my children something to eat!”

Me: “So your children eat big-screen TVs and acrylic nails?”

Caller: “You can see where I’m spending money?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We keep records of where you spend your money.”

Caller: *click*

Minimally Criminal

, , , , | Legal | May 30, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, civil department.”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to know what happened in my son’s case today.”

Me: “I can’t tell you any details, but I can tell you if they have finished. Can you give me the case number?”

Caller: “Oh, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Are you sure this is a civil case and not criminal?”

Caller: “Definitely civil. Not criminal! My son’s not a criminal!”

Me: “Okay, could I get a last name to see if I can find it that way?”

Caller: “The name is [Last Name].”

Me: “Okay, that name isn’t showing up at all. Are you sure it’s not a criminal case?”

Caller: “MY SON IS NOT A CRIMINAL! How dare you suggest it, you b****!”

Me: “Okay… can you tell me what the case was about?”

Caller: “Oh, kidnapping and assault.”

Me: *transfers the call to criminal*