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For (Not) Cryin’ Out Loud

, , , | Right | February 11, 2010

Customer: “How much is that bracelet in the display case?”

Me: “It’s $50.”

Customer: “Wow, that’s expensive, but it’s nice. I’ll take it.”

Me: “Okay, so your total is $50. We’re out of the store’s jewelry boxes, but I’d be happy to give you a gift bag for the bracelet.”

Customer: “But you have some nice boxes here on the counter, and the bracelets in them are cheaper than the one I’m buying. Why don’t the more expensive bracelets come in a box?”

Customer’s Son: *looking embarrassed* “Mom, she doesn’t decide the prices.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Maybe there’s a wristwatch box that I can put this in.”

(I get a box from the watch department and show it to the customer.)

Me: “Is this box ok?”

Customer: “This box…” *points to the jewelry boxes on the counter* “…is so much nicer. Can’t you take the bracelet out of the box and switch it with this one?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, those bracelets are attached to the boxes.”

Customer’s Son: “Mom, just take the watch box.”

Customer: “Can you at least switch the price tags?”

Customer’s Son: *looks at her mom incredulously*

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t do that.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll take it anyway, but I’ll have you know that I’m crying inside!”

Credit X-Rating

, , , | Right | February 11, 2010

Me: “Hello and thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a loan. What do I need to do?”

(I take her information over the phone and tell her that after I review it I will give her a call back with any questions that I have. The customer calls back ten minutes later.)

Me: “I’m sorry Ms. [Customer]. I have not been able to completely finish, but so far it looks like we would not be able to proceed with the loan.”

Customer: “Why the h*** not?”

Me: “From what it looks like, there are quite a few collections from [adult subscriptions] that are dropping your score.”

Customer: “That cannot be! I would know if I had wanted things like that!”

Me: “From your application, I notice that you also have a teenage son that lives with you.”

Customer: “D***! I knew that it was too good of him to get the mail for me!” *click*

Minor Dramas Are Major For Minors

, , , , | Right | February 8, 2010

(The customer rips the lid off of the shake I just handed her and frowns.)

Customer: “What is this?”

Me: “That’s a vanilla shake.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t. I want a vanilla shake.”

Me: “Well, I made it myself so I promise you it’s vanilla. Would you like me to remake it?”

Customer: “No, I just want a vanilla shake! This doesn’t look like vanilla at all. It’s all yellow.”

Me: “Ah, the vanilla syrup gives the shake a yellow tinge. It’s supposed to look like that.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s not ME you have to convince, it’s the seven-year-old in the car. He won’t be happy!”

Daddy’s Little (Working) Girl

, , , , | Right | February 5, 2010

Caller: “Are you hiring right now?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we are hiring for the infant room.”

Caller: “Oh, that won’t work. My daughter is six.”

Me: “Are you wanting to bring your daughter to our daycare facility?”

Caller: “Yes. How much do you pay?”

Me: “Well, I’m not at liberty to discuss what the employees get paid. But, for your daughter’s age, we charge $95 a week.”

Caller: “So, she will get paid $95 a week?”

Me: “No, sir. That is what we charge for you to bring your daughter here for the employees to look after, teach, and have playtime.”

Caller: “So she can’t get a job here? She won’t be making any money? F*** it. I’ll call someone else who will give her a job.”

North Of The Moral Border

, , , , , , , | Right | February 4, 2010

(A mother approaches me, violently dragging her two teenage boys along.)

Mother: “I demand you call the police immediately and have them arrest those ‘flashers’ at once!”

(She motions to the two topless girls on the beach.)

Me: “Actually, here in Ontario, it’s legal for women to go topless. Are you not from around here?”

Mother: “I am from America where we have morals and standards. You people sicken me! They are far too young to be doing that!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but there is technically no age limit on the law. It applies the same as it does to your sons.”

Mother: “Is there not a family section for decent people to enjoy the beach without these sick perverts exposing themselves to everyone?”

Me: “Again, I apologize, but it’s not about the beach. It’s legal for women of any age to go topless anywhere outdoors they please… same as men.”

Mother: “I will sue this whole country for punitive damages! My sons will be scarred for life!”

(Her sons are clearly scarred, as they are staring at the topless girls with huge grins on their faces. All of a sudden, three more topless girls walk past. She attempts to cover both her sons’ eyes with her hands.)

Mother: “Heathens! You will all burn in Hell! Sinners and perverts, that’s all you Canadians are!”


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