(Mum and I are both watching a programme with the comedian Sue Perkins as she follows the Mekong river in China. She’s been driven up one of the mountains and gotten out part way to talk about the river. She also talks about how the altitude is affecting her and she’s lightheaded. She’s doing this whilst stood on the edge of the road that seems to have a sheer drop with no barrier. Mum and I are both acrophobic — we’re scared of heights to an irrational level.)

Me: *getting anxious* “She is really starting to bother me. She’s getting lightheaded and is stood… there.”

Mum: “On the edge.”

Me: “Nothing to break her fall.”

Mum: “Well, we wouldn’t be there. We’d be against the mountain going, ‘Sue! Suuuue! Come away from the edge!'”

Me: *pretending to be more panicked than I am* “‘Sue, it’s not safe!'”

Mum: *also pretending panic* “’Suuuue!’”

(It then pans out to show that she genuinely is on the edge of the cliff.)

Mum & Me: *no longer pretending* “SUE!”

(Thankfully, it cuts to a different take.)

(I have just obtained a private investigator’s license in the state that I have just moved to shortly after earning a master’s degree in criminal justice. My first “official” case is a pro bono job to help a long time friend of my husband — and new friend of mine — locate his baby brother, who was given up for adoption as an infant in the early 1960s. I am talking to my mom on the phone one day, telling her what I am doing. Please note that I have previously worked in skip trace for a debt collection company and in sales, so people tend to be VERY comfortable with me when they talk to me on the phone — I am a very good talker.)

Me: “Mom, the case to find [Friend]’s brother is going well; everyone that I have contacted has had information that is getting me closer to finding [Friend]’s brother.”

Mom: “Will you stop harassing people?! You know that it is illegal to call someone unless you are a law enforcement official.”

Me: “Why is it illegal to simply call someone? In [State] it is only illegal if the person tells you to stop calling them in writing. I have always identified myself when I call people regarding this case, including offering my license number.”

Mom: “But it’s harassment!”

Me: “One phone call is harassment? If they tell me to stop calling them, I will. However, I have managed to befriend everyone who I have called and they all are very willing to help me.”

Mom: “But if you called me looking for information about someone I knew, I would call the police right away!”

(It is now painfully obvious that my mom is totally ignorant of what constitutes harassment in the United States.)

Me: “And the police would tell you to go pound sand! It is perfectly legal to call any stranger in the United States and ask them anything — within reason — that you want. You just have to stop calling them if they ask you to. So far, no one on this case has asked me to stop calling them. I even have one person that I have contacted who now calls me with information!”

Mom: “But I get nervous when strangers call me!”

Me: “That’s you, and it’s not representative of the laws that I must follow as a licensed private investigator in [State]. I am doing everything in this case to the letter of the law. I even carry $1,000,000 in professional liability insurance if I make a mistake!”

Mom: “But you just can’t cold-call strangers! The police are going to arrest you and charge you with harassment for trying to find [Friend]’s brother!”

(She started getting really irrational, so I gave up trying to reason with her after that.)

(My father and cat both like to sit in the same spot on our couch. One day, I come downstairs to get a glass of water and see my father moving the cat.)

Dad: “Come on, [Cat].”

(He nudges the cat who stands up but doesn’t move. It takes another solid minute to get the cat all the way out of the spot so my dad can sit. Thirty minutes later, I’ve come downstairs again to put my glass away and see the cat in the spot and my father on the loveseat.)

Me: “Hey, Dad…”

Dad: “I got up to get a new book, he jumped back into the spot, and it didn’t seem worth it to move him.”

Me: “So, not only did you and the cat get into a fight over the spot, but the cat won?”

(I’m working on a pediatric hospital ward. A patient quits breathing and a code blue is called.)

Parent: *of another patient on the ward* “Excuse me. We asked for Tylenol ten minutes ago and my child’s fever continues to get worse.”

Nurse: “I’m sorry, but we are in the middle of a respiratory code right now and someone will help you in a few minutes.”

Parent: “I don’t give a d*** about that other child; my child needs Tylenol right now!”

Back a decade or so ago, I was home from college between semesters, lounging with my brother, when I got a call from my mother. She sounded worked up, which isn’t usual, and asked me rather insistently if I knew how to count change. My confused response must not have inspired confidence because she said she was going to come home and make sure.

Sure enough, when she got home she started grabbing change to put on the table, asking us again if we knew how. My brother and I were able to talk her down a bit with several assurances that we did, in fact, have a basic understanding of currency, and we finally got the reason for all this. Mom had been out shopping and the cashier had given her the wrong change, and had apparently been entirely clueless about how to count it out. This had worked my mother up to the point where she apparently felt the need to make sure her sons weren’t in the same boat.

I can certainly understand why that would be a frustrating experience. But I can’t help but be amused that she feared that a student who had run As in the advanced math track, tested out of every math requirement in college, and was routinely referred to by friends and family as a “human calculator” would be incapable of counting change!