Not Quite Shuffled Off This Mortal Coil

, | Right | July 15, 2008

Customer: “My mother is dying at [Hospital]. She is prearranged through you.”

Me: “I see her file right here, sir.”

(I talk about our funeral home’s services.)

Customer: “Now, could you go ahead and run her obituary tomorrow?”

Me: *confused* “I thought she hadn’t passed away yet.”

Customer: “She hasn’t, but I would like to go ahead and run the obituary.”

Me: “Sir, I’m afraid we can’t do that. We need to wait until she actually dies.”

Customer: *unhappy* “Well, if you say so.”

(The woman did not die for another eight days.)

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Mom In A Thong: Wrong

, , , | Right | July 6, 2008

Me: “Ma’am, you’re not allowed to have non-service dogs in the store unless you’re holding them.”

Woman: “Oh, I know.”

Me: “Well… I am going to have to ask you to keep the dog in your arms while you’re shopping.”

Woman: “That’s fine. I just had to readjust my thong.”

Woman’s Young Daughter: “MOM!”

Woman: “What? I wanted him to know.”

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Fortunately, It’s Raining Pork Barrels And Earmarks

, , , | Right | July 3, 2008

(Background: I work at a small round lake about a mile in diameter. From any point on the shore you can see the edge of the lake all around. The lake is used for fishing and as such is full of sand and seaweed and fish.)

Patron: “Hi, can you tell me what ocean this is?”

Me: “Sir, this is a fresh water man-made lake, not an ocean.”

Patron: “I mean, what ocean is it connected to?”

Me: “It’s not connected to an ocean. It’s a man-made lake.”

(The patron pauses and obviously decides to come at this from another angle.)

Patron: “What river feeds this lake?”

Me: “This lake used to be a gravel pit before they filled it in with water. It’s not connected to the river system. It’s man-made.”

Patron: “Well, where does all the water come from?”

Me: “The lake is filled with rainwater, mostly.”

Patron: “That’s awful! I don’t want to let my kids swim in rainwater… It’s dirty. You should keep the rain out of the lake!”

Me: *sarcastically* “I totally agree. Maybe we can spend tax dollars on a tarp to cover the lake when it rains.”

Patron: “That’s an excellent idea! I hope you mention that to your supervisors!”

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Trust Me, He’ll Want To Wake Up For This

, , , | Right | June 30, 2008

(The fire alarm is going off at our extended-stay hotel. I get a call at the front desk.)

Hotel Guest: “What is that sound?”

Me: “That’s the fire alarm, ma’am. Please evacuate the building.”

Hotel Guest: “Well, can you please turn it off? My son is sleeping.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Only the fire department can, once they inspect the building. Please take your son and evacuate the building immediately.”

Hotel Guest: “I can’t do that! He’s sleeping!”

Me: *bangs head on the counter*

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Ah, Fathers

, , , , , | Right | June 15, 2008

(I am a cashier and father and young son are in line.)

Son: “Wow, that’s a lot of stuff!”

Dad: “Yeah, I might have to sell your bike to pay for it all.”

Son: “Noooo, not my bike!”

Dad: *laughs* “No, I wouldn’t sell your bike for food. Although, I might sell it for beer…”

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