(I am laid off from my job and move back in with my parents while I sort things out. I manage to find a new position in good time. However, the following talk still occurs every so often.)

Parents: “Did you get in trouble at your last job? Like, were you late or anything?”

Me: “No, I did everything I was supposed to.”

Parents: “So, how come they let you go?”

Me: “I already told you: they were downsizing and I was one of the few people they laid off.”

Parents: “If you say so. We’re just trying to figure out what you did.”

(I didn’t do anything. My old company had to cut costs somewhere, and I, unfortunately, was a part of it. For some reason, the idea that a bad thing could happen to me for reasons beyond my control is a completely alien concept to them. My dad keeps telling everyone that I must’ve done something for them to let me go. Thanks. That REALLY helps my self-esteem.)

(I work at an adult store which only allows people 18 years or older to enter. This does not stop parents from trying to bring their kids in with them. I see a woman trying to push a stroller into my store.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t allow anyone under 18 in this store.”

Woman: “Oh! I know; I’m actually 36. I just look young.”

Me: “I was talking about the baby.”

Woman: *suddenly furious* “What?! This is my kid; I give her permission to be in here.”

Me: “It doesn’t work like that. If she’s not 18 she can’t come in.”

Woman: “Why not?! She doesn’t know what any of this is, anyway!”

Me: “Doesn’t matter. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Woman: “This is unfair! I am a paying customer; you can’t treat me like this. I’ll have you arrested!”

Me: *now annoyed* “Do it.”

Woman: “Wh-what?”

Me: “I dare you. Call the cops right now. Actually, I’ll do it for you. Then you can explain to the police why you were trying to bring a minor into an adult store. So, then, when you try to explain that it’s your own child, you can then explain to Child Protective Services why you feel it’s okay to expose your child to adult-themed objects at an infant’s age.”

Woman: “That’s not what I’m doing at all! I just want to buy some stuff for myself.”

Me: “No, I’m refusing you service. Please leave my store. You can also tell your sob story to the cop that’s standing just outside the door, who watched this whole exchange.”

(I’m male and have recently come out to my parents as bisexual. My mum has asked me to bring my boyfriend over for the evening. She says my dad has been very on-edge about the entire affair, which I assume means he might not be as accepting as I’d hoped. The evening comes around and my mum is there to greet us. She calls my dad into the room. He says very little and looks very uncomfortable. My boyfriend eventually tries to shake his hand. My dad accepts and notices the tattoo on his arm.)

Dad: “Nice rose. Do you still need the stem finished? My friend’s an artist.”

Boyfriend: “No, I’m just keeping it shaded. F*** putting green on my body!”

(I had literally never seen my dad so relieved. All the tension disappeared and the rest of the night went well. It turns out when he heard my boyfriend was from an area well known for its Celtic supporters, he feared he would be a Celtic supporter, too.)

(My husband and I are on a road trip with our infant daughter who is still breastfeeding and doesn’t take solid food yet. We stop for our lunch at a fast food chain. To make better time, I’m feeding the baby while my husband gets the food. I’m sitting in a booth in the corner with a nursing cover on, discreetly breastfeeding. An elderly woman comes up to me.)

Woman: “Excuse me, could you not?” *gestures at me*

Me: *feigning ignorance* “Not what?”

Woman: “Keep your boobs to yourself; we’re eating.”

Me: “So is she.”

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(On a visit to Portsmouth Dockyard, home of the Victory and the Mary Rose, I happen to overhear a conversation between a father and his small son about a modern warship in another part of the yard.)

Son: “Who owns that ship, Dad?”

Father: “Nobody owns it. It’s for sale.”

Son: “Who’s going to buy it?”

Father: “Anyone can. You can buy it if you like, but I don’t know where you’re going to put it.”

(I strolled away with a smile on my face, wishing my own dad had been that cool.)