Sickening Level Of Control

, , | Related | June 12, 2017

(Mom calls.)

Me: “Hi, Mom.”

Mom: “How are you doing this fine day?” *she’s usually this cheerful*

Me: “Awful. I’m sick to my stomach. I’d feel a whole lot better in an instant if I could just puke up what’s in there. Unfortunately, I just can’t. You know, I’ve always been that way. I was so miserable as a kid sometimes because I found it almost impossible to vomit.”

Mom: “Yes, sweetie, I knew that. And I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.”

Me: *groans*

1 Thumbs

You Might Not Want To Sit Down For This One

, , , | Related | June 11, 2017

It is way back in the 70s and my parents have just gotten engaged. Their friends throw them a big party and everyone is dressed up in their best. Everyone is having a great time and there’s drinking.

My dad gets up and uses the bathroom, then comes back talking to someone. While he was gone, the host put the cake on his chair, and leaves to get the knife. The tables are full of presents and food, you see.

My dad, not paying attention, goes back to sit, distracted by talking. Everyone yells out, but it’s too late. The cake goes splat and my dad is covered in frosting and on the floor. My mom is laughing so hard that she falls, too.

They like to tell the story all the time, and Dad was forever known as He Who Sat on the Cake.

1 Thumbs

Has A Couple Of Problems

, , | Related | June 9, 2017

(My mom is very conservative, and any time a couple shows PDA, she yells, even in movies. I don’t like it either, but my school is chock full of couples, and my mom thinks that I’m just exaggerating. One day, she goes to visit me in school, and is shocked. She finds me, grabs me, and we go to her car and get in.)

Mom: “I just saw this couple walking together, and the guy had his arm around the girl’s shoulders. They stopped to talk with a teacher, and the guy reached in the girl’s shirt and started massaging her boob!”

Me: *not surprised* “Oh, really. That is SO surprising.”

Mom: “Can you believe they would do that in public? You young people are SO shameless!”

(She treated me to an earful about how messed up my generation is, and how future generations will be even more so. So thank you, couple who couldn’t wait, for upsetting her and have her lecture at me for hours!)

1 Thumbs

A Sinful Place To Live

, , , | Related | June 9, 2017

(The family is gathered around the dinner table for the evening meal. Dad is telling us about a couple who came to his business that afternoon.)

Dad: “He was a lot older than she is. They are living in s…” *he stutters and pauses*

Mum: “Sin?”

Dad: “Southgate Crescent.”

1 Thumbs

Mature Content Results In Immaturity

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2017

(I’m working on the till at a small supermarket when a woman walks up with her basket of shopping. I notice that she’s with a young boy, who can’t be older than about 11 and he’s browsing some shelves nearby. I’m ringing up her shopping, when I come to a gaming magazine which is currently running a feature on a popular war game. As I scan it, a warning pops up on my till, asking me to verify the customer’s age.)

Customer: “How much is that? If it’s too expensive, I won’t get it for him.” *she gestures to the young boy*

Me: “Well, it’s [price] but this magazine is only suitable for people over the age of 18 and as you’ve just told me you’re buying it for him, I can’t sell it to you.”

Customer: “What?! Well, it’s not for him.”

Me: “No, I’m sorry; you’ve just said that it’s for him. I really cannot sell you this.” *I put the magazine to one side*

Customer: “Well, that’s ridiculous. It’s for his older brother; he’s at home and he’s 18!”

Me: “You’ve told me that you’re buying this for a child, so our store will not sell this to you.”

(The customer huffs and argues a bit more, as I ring up the rest of her shopping. I read her the total.)

Customer: “So, you’re really not going to sell that to me?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Customer: “Well, I’m just going to have a terrible night with him now! He’s going to be a nightmare!”

(The boy comes over to the till and asks the woman if he can have his magazine.)

Customer: *to the boy* “No! This lady says that you can’t have it!”

Me: *to the customer* “Well, the reason that it’s not suitable for children is that the content of the magazine, just like [Game featured in the magazine] is extremely violent. That’s actually why they’ve put it in a plastic cover; because the images in the magazine are too graphic for children.”

(The customer blushes profusely and looks ashamed. She stays silent as she pays for her shopping.)

Customer: *as she’s picking up her bags* “Just… so… you know, I don’t let him play those horrible games. I’m not a bad mother!”

(She scurried out of the store with the child!)

1 Thumbs