Mom Vs Math

, , , | Related | August 11, 2017

(I’m in the car with my mom. She’s talking to my dad and they are talking about taking the dog to the groomers.)

Mom: “We need to take the dog to the groomers every twelve weeks.”

Me: “So every three months.”

Mom: “No, four.”

Me: “How many weeks are in a month?”

Mom: “Four.”

Me: “What’s three times four?”

Mom: “Twelve… Oh, be quiet.”

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What’s Shaking?

, , , | Related | August 11, 2017

(I am studying in the middle of the night for a history test. After a bit when I get hungry and decide to make popcorn. The popcorn pops.)

Mom: “My name?”

Me: “Ya?”

Mom: “Are you shaking the toaster?”

Me: “What? No, I’m making popcorn.”

Mom: “Oh, okay.”

Me: *to self* “Do we even have a toaster?”

(Weird part is that made sense to her for me to shake a toaster in the middle of the night.)

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Behaving Like They Were Raised In A Zoo

, , , | Related | August 10, 2017

(I recently started a job working the gift shop at one of the top-ranked zoos in the nation. As such, we get a lot of out-of-state visitors in every day. Today one such visitor approaches my counter with her son, who is roughly eight or nine years old, and a stuffed animal she wants to purchase. Since annual members of the zoo receive a 10% discount on all their merchandise purchases, I begin the transaction as I always do.)

Me: “Hi, are you a [City] Zoo member?”

Kid: *in a snotty, better-than-you tone* “We don’t even LIVE here. We’re from New Hampshire.”

(Before I can respond, his mother takes the stuffed animal off the counter and turns to her son.)

Mother: “Do you think he knows that just by looking at you? He doesn’t know what state you’re from; he’s just doing his job. Apologize to him right now or I’m not buying you this.”

(The kid sheepishly looked down to the ground and mumbled an apology, to which I simply smile and said “That’s all right.” I finished the transaction without a hitch, but that one example of parenting gone right made my day. Lady, if you’re reading this, I just want you to know that if it were within my power to do so, I would have given you the 10% discount for that!)

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A Bad Case Of The Churls

, , , | Related | August 10, 2017

(My mom is admitted to the hospital for what turns out to be pneumonia with two collapsed lungs, among other complications. She’s required to wear an oxygen mask, but because she’s delirious, she keeps trying to take it off. Meanwhile, I’m constantly forcing her to keep it on. She’s quite irritable, and I’m very tired from babysitting her. One of our interactions went something like this:)

Mom: “Where are my clothes?”

Me: “You’re in the hospital, Mom. You don’t need your clothes.”

Mom: “Don’t you have any sense of decency?!”

Me: “None of the patients have decency in the hospital. Everyone wears gowns.”

Mom: *removing her mask* “I’m pissed off at you right now.”

Me: *snatching it back up and holding it to her face* “You have to keep that on.”

Mom: “[My Name], if you say that one more time…”

Me: “I have to; you keep taking it off!”

Mom: *glaring at me hard* “You’re churlish!”

(I’m very amused by her “churlish” comment and relay it to my family later. Afterwards, my mom is sedated for a few weeks, and my family takes shifts at the hospital to watch her. When she regains consciousness, she says she loves me; it’s a very touching moment. I return home and tell my family how she’s doing.)

Me: “And she said she loves me.”

Brother: “No, she doesn’t, you churl.”

(When my mom’s better, we tell her about the “churlish” comment as well.)

Mom: “I don’t even know what that word means!”

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Getting Stupider By The Generation

, , , , | Related | August 9, 2017

(I’m pregnant and recently started showing, which has lead to many comments from customers. Also, the pregnancy has lead me to make lots of silly mistakes which I largely blame on pregnancy brain.)

Me: “Sorry about that. My daughter stole my brain cells and she won’t give them back.”

Customer: “I’m sure she’ll give them back eventually. I feel like I’ve just started to get back some brain power from my daughter.”

Me: “Oh? How old is she?”

Customer: “14.”

Me: “…”

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