You Just Lettuce Happen

, , , , | Related | July 12, 2017

(My mom is in the kitchen eating a salad she just made and I am sitting at the counter a few feet away. My brother walks in just as my mom tilts the bowl, stabs a piece of lettuce, and spills the salad all over the floor, startling everyone with the clatter of the fork.)

Brother: “What happened?!”

Mom: “I tossed my salad!” *proceeds to crack up*

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Coining A Turn Of Phrase

, , | Related | July 12, 2017

(My dad drives an extended cab Chevy Silverado and Mom and I have just finished shopping at the local mall. She doesn’t drive the truck often so she’s not used to it and is taking extra care to make sure she has plenty of room navigating the parking lot. She has just completed a turn. I’m about 8 years old.)

Me: “Why did you take such a big turn?”

Mom: “To make sure I don’t bump into things. This truck doesn’t turn on a dime.”

Me: *having never heard this phrase before* ‘Yeah, it turns more on a quarter.”

(She had to stop the truck, she was laughing so hard.)

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Adjustable Expectations

, | Related | July 11, 2017

When I was learning how to drive, my father would have me practice in his car. Since I am significantly shorter than him, I would always have to move his seat forward, and then he would have to move it back if he wanted to drive.

One day, shortly after I practice driving with him, Dad decides he needs to run an errand. I don’t remember where it was, but he needed to go somewhere that was about a twenty-minute drive away. He came into my room and told me to drive him, because he didn’t feel like readjusting the driver’s seat. To recap: my dad made me waste nearly an hour being his chauffeur because he couldn’t be a**ed to spend thirty seconds adjusting the driver’s seat of his car.

The Common McCarthy Lynx

, , , | Related | July 1, 2017

(I work in the deer pen at a local zoo. In my area we have an enclosure for a Eurasian lynx. The lynx is found throughout Europe and into Russia.)

Guest #1: “Hey, Dad, look at this animal! It’s a lynx!”

Guest #2: “Oh, that’s nice son. Let’s look at the sign.”

(The guest spends a few moments reading until he stumbles upon something he doesn’t like and quickly turns and grabs his son’s hand briskly walking away.)

Guest #2: “We don’t like that one, son. It’s a communist.”

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Not Tipped Towards The Older Generation

, , , | Related | June 30, 2017

I’m out for dinner with my parents and grandfather from my dad’s side. My grandfather is treating me and my parents because I had just graduated the day before.

At this restaurant we order appetizers, meals, and hot tea. It is really nice and pleasant and the waitress is terrific, super polite and pleasant. The bill comes and it is $60.05.

I watch him pull out exactly $70.05. The waitress comes and takes the money and brings him the change. He puts both $5s back in his wallet and puts $3 dollars out on the table for a tip. I am so upset for the waitress and so is my mom.

Luckily my mom made an excuse and we stayed behind and left her another $12.

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