My mother bought my daughter a laptop for school and speech therapy. Despite being five at the time — seven years old now — my daughter takes pretty good care of it, and nowadays, I make sure it has a spot and its charger does, as well. My daughter also has had her share of tablets: two that died out after getting their money’s worth, and one that for some reason stopped responding to her finger.

My mother is asking me about it one night.

Mom: “Hey, where is that tablet I got her?”

Me: “The old Windows one? That broke at [previous address]. Remember?”

Mom: “WHAT? I JUST BOUGHT THAT!”

Me: “No… you didn’t.”

Mom: Yes, I f****** did! It was $700!

Me: “None of her tablets has ever been that much.”

Mom: “The one with the keyboard!”

Me: “The old Windows one. Yeah, that’s the one that finally died after two years of use.”

Mom: “Where is her tablet?!”

Me: “Do you mean the ONN brand? Either in the house or car.”

She becomes very annoyed at this.

Me: “Do you mean her Switch? It’s in her room.”

Mom: “What the h*** is a Switch?!”

Me: “That pink console she had at Thanksgiving.”

Mom: “No! Her tablet I got off of [Website]!”

Me: “You mean her laptop?”

Mom: “Oh. Yeah. Where is it?!”

Me: “Corner of the kitchen table on its charger.”

Mom: “Okay.”

Dad: “How did you forget it was the laptop that was that much money?”

Me: “Had you said that first, I would have told you exactly.”

Mom: “Is it charged?”

Me: “What part of ‘on its charger’ did you not hear?”

Mom: “…”

Me: “I didn’t think your memory was that bad, Ma! Also, you bought that when the [health crisis] started… which was last year.”

Mom: “Oh…”

She looked around after that and I just started laughing. I try not to let arguments that she and I have get too much in the way because I know that in some cases, like this, my mother’s memory will not serve her well, or in any justice whatsoever.

I have dietary restrictions and particularly enjoy a type of nutrition bar that is usually sold individually.

Mom: “Did you know that if you buy the whole box at [Store] you get a 10% discount?”

Me: “No, that’s amazing! The boxes are always open, though.”

Mom: “You can fill up the box with different bars and pay for it as one box at the register. Just tell them it’s the ‘Nutrition Center Discount.’”

The next time I go to the store, I load up a box full of the bars and go to checkout.

Me: “Don’t forget the 10% discount since I am buying the whole box.”

Cashier: “The what?”

Me: “The Nutrition Center Discount for buying the whole box.”

Cashier: “I’ve never heard of that discount, but I have only worked here a month. Let me call the shift manager.”

The shift manager comes over and approves the discount, and I walk out happy.

For the next year, every time I buy the boxes, the cashiers always say that they have never heard of the discount, but whatever manager is around will always come over and approve it.

One day, I am talking to my mom.

Me: “It’s so weird. I don’t know why none of the cashiers have ever heard of the Nutrition Center Discount. I am not sure the managers have, either, but they give it to me anyway.”

Mom: “Oh, they discontinued that discount fifteen years ago, but if you give them a hard time, they will still give it to you.”

Me: “Mom! You can’t do that!”

I explained to her why it was wrong to ask for non-existent discounts, and neither of us ever asked for the “Nutrition Center Discount” again. I am still mortified about it.

I just heard this story from my dad and little sister about my grandmother. Grandma is awesome because she is absolutely a b****; she takes no flak from anyone. My dad talks to her once a week (excluding the time she found out he voted “wrong”) and they have a pretty close relationship.

Apparently, Grandma has mentioned she can’t find any of a specific kind of bagel at the store. Dad, trying to do something nice, decides to order some from [Big Company] and waits for the surprise to be delivered. Every day he checks and they say the order is shipping but it never gets delivered.

Finally, after a month, he decides the bagels can’t be any good by now and to cancel the order. He gets told that they can’t find or deliver his order, they won’t send a replacement, and he won’t be getting a refund. Naturally, he’s pretty upset about it, but after gaining no headway on a solution, he asks my younger sister to help him out.

She does, and after a month and a half, Dad has his refund, but our poor grandma is still without her bagels! [Sister] decides she can just order them from a local shop to be delivered and, with Dad’s blessing, finally gets eighteen bagels delivered to our grandma!

End of story? Nah, that’d be too boring. First off, they were delivered while Grandma wasn’t home, though she got there not long after them.

Grandma: *To Dad* “I almost got ants from those bagels sitting outside! What would you have done if they’d gotten ants in them?!”

Dad: “Uh, thrown them out?”

Grandma: “And four were burnt! Burnt! What place sends four burnt bagels?!”

Dad: “Well, I’m sure they’ll be happy to exchange them.”

Grandma: “I’m not wasting my time or gas going all the way out there! How dare they send me burnt ones?!”

At this point, Dad is already thinking, “Lady! You got fourteen free bagels! Live with it!” He instead tells her:

Dad: “Well, you know [Sister] doesn’t know the area. I guess she thought they were closer than they are.”

Grandma: “Oh, [Sister] sent them? Oh, okay.”

They end the conversation. Grandma calls my sister up.

Grandma: “Hey, I know you thought sending bagels for your father was a good idea but next time, don’t. Just don’t.” 

Dad: *To us* “At least she’s nicer to her grandkids.”

My parents and I both have dogs, raised from puppy age. My dog Sandy isn’t perfect, but I consider her well-behaved. My parents’ dog Buster is… not. We’re at the dog park together, and Buster doesn’t come when my mom calls him. She lets out an exasperated sigh.

Mom: “I don’t understand why Buster can’t behave well. I mean, you work full-time, and your dog lets you walk her on a leash and doesn’t take food off the table.”

Me: “Well, how often do you take him for walks? I don’t have a fenced-in yard, so I take Sandy out on a leashed walk at least once a day.”

Mom: “Oh, well, we’ve got the fence, so we don’t need to do that.”

Me: “So, you never walk him on a leash, but you’re surprised that he doesn’t do well with it on?”

Mom: “Well, he stays by the table every day and still steals food!”

Me: “Do you give him food from the table?”

Mom: “Only scraps and meat.”

Me: “And you take them off your plate in front of him?”

Mom: “Yes…”

Me: “And you’re surprised that he’ll take food off your plates when he’s hungry?”

Mom: “I just don’t understand why he doesn’t listen to me and doesn’t walk well on a leash.”

This took place in the mid-1990s when I was fifteen years old. It was around 11:00 at night when I heard someone tap on my window. I looked out to see two of my best buddies waving at me and gesturing for me to come out. I opened my window.

Me: *Whispering* “Dude! What the h*** are you doing here? You’re gonna get me in trouble!”

Friend: “Dog, you gotta come with us! There’s this smashing party going on at [Boy]’s place! His dad is out for the weekend and he’s got the place to himself! Girls all over the place! You gotta check it out!”

I’d never snuck out of the house before.

Me: “Uhhh… I dunno about that.”

Friend: “[Crush] is there.”

Me: “You serious?”

Friend: “Dead serious. Come on, I told them we were gonna come get you. You’re gonna let everyone down!”

That particular girl being there was all the reason I needed to risk my neck. I quietly got dressed and tiptoed out the back door since the screen in my bedroom window was too difficult to remove and replace.

After spending a good five hours or so frolicking around with everyone and acting like the bunch of high school morons we were, we decided around 4:00 am that we’d all better split and get back home before our luck ran out and someone came looking for us.

I managed to slip back in through the back door and was tiptoeing back to my room when I heard a toilet flush and my mom emerged from the bathroom with a groggy look on her face. And there I was, standing in the middle of the hallway, fully dressed and reeking of cigarettes and beer (neither of which my parents had).

Mom: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I heard a weird noise in the shed so I just went to check it out.”

Mom: “You got dressed up like that to—” *sniffing* “OH, H*** NO! [Dad], get out here now!”

My parents were having some serious marital issues at the time, to the point where they were sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Mom: *Banging on my dad’s door* “GET OUT HERE, [DAD]!”

No answer.

In a rage, my mom threw the door open and ripped the blanket off my dad’s bed to reveal an empty bed. Puzzled, my mom looked outside to see his car missing from the driveway, and then, she picked up the phone.

Mom: “Hello, is [Dad] there?” *Pause* “This is [Mom]; I am [Dad]’s wife. Did he have a graveyard shift tonight?” *Pause* “He hasn’t had one all this year?!” *Pause* “Really now?!” *Pause* “Thank you!” *Slamming the phone down* “If this is some kind of prank, somebody better say something now because I’m about to go homicidal! Get back in bed! Don’t think you’re off the hook!”

I got back in bed with an “I’m-so-dead” feeling of impending doom hovering over me.

Around six am, I woke up to hear:

Mom: “WHERE IN THE H*** HAVE YOU BEEN?!”

Dad: “I got called in for a graveyard shift; someone called in sick.”

Mom: “BULLS***! I CALLED YOUR WORK! YOU HAVEN’T HAD A GRAVEYARD SHIFT ALL YEAR!”

Cue a mayhem-filled screaming match where my dad finally fessed up about “the other girl” — who happened to be one of her good friends. The screaming match grew into a screaming marathon that continued almost until noon, and my dad ended up moving out about two weeks later.

As for me, my mom was so pissed that she never punished me for sneaking out of the house to smoke and drink, although, for a while, she started making me put my shoes and jacket in her bedroom at night. That lasted up until I was sixteen.

My dad still jokes with me to this day that I inadvertently got him busted doing essentially the same thing the same night.