Grooted In Reality

, , , | Related | January 16, 2019

(My dad is away on business, so I go over to my parents’ house to keep my mom company. My mother is notorious in our family for HATING any films with excess CGI, but she demands that we watch something “easy and brainless” so I put on “Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol. 2” and hope for the best. Fast forward to the next day and my dad coming home. He and I are standing in the kitchen talking and listening to music when my mom comes dancing in.)

Mom: *happily, while dancing around* “I am Grout!”

Me: “‘Groot,’ Mama. You’re ‘Groot.’”

Mom: *happy and still dancing* “I am Groot!”

(My mother dances back out of the room. My father turns to me with a bewildered look on his face.)

Dad: “Is your mom high?!”

(I cracked up. Much to my surprise, my mother had really enjoyed the movie… Especially Baby Grout — er — Groot!)

The Kind Of Stupid Moment You Wish You Could Have Videoed

, , , , , , | Related | January 15, 2019

(It’s the early ‘90s, and a lot of ‘portable’ technology is still pretty expensive. My parents and I have just gotten back from visiting my grandparents’ house in Florida. It was a long, three-day drive; and upon arriving home late one night we’re all very tired and hungry.)

Mom: “I’m thinking of putting on a frozen pizza. How does that sound?”

Dad: “Excellent. We’ll unload the car while you pre-heat the oven.”

(A couple minutes later, the oven has started to heat up, yet something seems off.)

Me: “Mom? Dad? Something smells really funny in the kitchen.”

Mom: “It almost smells like burning rubber or something.” *sudden gasp of realization* “[Neighbor]’s camcorder!”

Me: “What?!”

(Sure enough, Mom and Dad turn the oven off and open the door to find the melted remains of what was once a very expensive, new recording device.)

All: “…”

Mom: “Oh, NO…”

Me: “Why was [Neighbor]’s new portable video recorder in the oven?!”

Mom: “We borrowed it for [Event] and didn’t get a chance to return it before they left on their vacation…

Me: “But why the oven?!”

Dad: “I thought it would be safe there! No-one would look for a VCR machine in an oven!”

Mom: “Well, we’ve certainly proven that part right.”

(My parents bought him an entirely new machine; thankfully, he found the whole story hilarious. We also learned an important lesson: always check your ovens before turning up the heat!)

These Nine Lives Outweigh Your One

, , , , , | Related | January 14, 2019

(I am visiting my mom, who still has the cats I grew up with. At one point I am in the living room cuddling with one of them.)

Mom’s Husband: “I thought you’d be spending time with your mom right now?”

Me: *curled up with my fifteen-year-old cat, face buried in her soft fluffy belly* “But… I only have a few more years left with her!”

Mom: *coming around the corner with a shocked look on her face* “Oh! You were talking about HER! I thought you were talking about ME!”

Me: “GOD no! I expect to have at least another thirty years with YOU!”

(Unfortunately, that plus all of us laughing was too much noise for kitty’s naptime, so she cut off my cuddle time to flounce off and relax somewhere else. Fortunately, she’s now eighteen and still in great health. I expect she’ll make it into her twenties.)

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Very Far From The Ent

, , , , , | Related Right | January 12, 2019

(I’m back in my fairly small, conservative hometown, going grocery shopping with my dad. We get up to the register, and our cashier, a teenage girl, has a Dalek bow in her hair.)

Me: “Your bow is rockin’!”

Cashier: *laughing* “Thanks! I was actually just admiring the X-Men button on your purse!”

(We chat back and forth a bit about our favorite comic series when my dad scoffs.)

Dad: “Nerds.”

(She immediately looks horrified, but I just laugh.)

Me: “Dad… you introduced me to Dr. Who and Batman and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy when I was seven! Where do you think I get it from?”

Dad: “Well, yeah. Hitchhiker’s Guide is classic, and Batman is clearly the coolest comic series. But the classic Dr. Who series is so much better. It just went downhill after they introduced River Song. You two are nerds.”

(Both the cashier and I were laughing by this point. Dad and I paid, collected our groceries, and left, my dad still arguing that I’m nerdier than he is. That may be, but the apple doesn’t fall far, Dad!)

It All Boils Down To This

, , , | Right | January 12, 2019

(A young mother pushes her baby over in a pram and tells me that her baby took some “warm” water and splashed his face with it the day before. I look at the baby and he seems bubbly and happy. There is barely any sign of redness of his skin and there are no blisters, either.)

Me: “There’s isn’t any redness at all. He seems fine.”

Mother: “There’s a mark here.” *points under his eye*

Me: “Well, it’s not that obvious. You shouldn’t need to do anything about it. It’ll go away on its own.”

Mother: “The water got in his eyes.”

(I look at the baby’s eyes. There is also no redness.)

Me: “He looks fine. He’s not crying, either.”

Mother: “He cried for ten minutes yesterday. Will it leave a scar?”

Me: “No… his skin did not even get damaged. You really don’t have to do anything.”

(The mother looked a bit relieved yet doubtful at the same time but she thanked me anyway. Later she came back and asked if sun protection was needed to prevent scarring. Just to satisfy my curiosity, I asked if she really meant “warm” water or if she meant “hot” water. She told me that it was freshly boiled water with a triumphant expression. Well, either this baby has skin made of steel… or she left the boiled water out longer than she thought and it had cooled down already!)

Page 1/3123