I am working at a visitor’s center at a famous national park. We are surrounded by some majestic mountains, and a family of guests is admiring them.

Mother: “Oh, wow, those mountains are huge!”

Father: “Yeah! It’s crazy to think the tops of them are in space.”

At this, I look up, as what he’s said is just so… wrong. His wife and all three of their children are also now staring at him.

Mother: “What do you mean, honey?”

Father: “Where the mountains get white on the top, that means they’re in space.”

Mother: “Uh… no, that’s just snow.”

Father: “No, that’s space. That’s the tops of the mountains passing into space and glowing white.”

Mother: “No, that’s snow, and they’re not in space.”

Father: “I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.”

The youngest child lets out a loud sigh.

Child #1: “Ugh! Daaaad! Mom’s right. That’s snow! No mountain is tall enough to be in space! Even Mount Everest doesn’t reach space!”

Father: “Well, duh! That’s because it’s on the equator.”

Child #1: “Dad! Absolutely nothing you just said is true.”

Father: “Look, when rocks go into space, they glow white! Just look at the moon!”

The mother and all the kids just stare in horror at the patriarch of their family. They start walking down one of the nature trails, and I can hear them just long enough to overhear one of the children start saying:

Child #2: “Okay, Dad… let me tell you about the atmosphere…” 

Related:
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 12
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 11
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 10
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 9
The More You Read, The Worse It Gets, Part 8

Air Hostess: “Can I get you any snacks or drinks?”

Passenger: “I’ll have the crack monster, please?”

Air Hostess: “Pardon, sir?”

Passenger: “The crack monster. Am I saying it right?”

Air Hostess: “What item is that, sir?”

Passenger: “The toasted sandwich with the cheese on top? And the ham and mustard?” 

Air Hostess: *Relieved* “Ah, the croque monsieur. That’ll be £5.95, sir!”

I work in a history museum, and I overhear an older gentleman talking to his wife while looking at an exhibit.

Guest #1: “Who won the Vietnam war? Was it the Koreans?”

Guest #2: “Don’t be stupid. It was the Chinese.”

I am cutting wood for a customer, while I hear a manager giving the tour to a new coworker. Today is their first day.

New Coworker: “Wow, this is a lot to remember!”

Manager: “You’ll find this is easy compared to the customers. They’ll ask you some… interesting questions and it can be hard to keep a straight face sometimes.”

As if on cue, another customer approaches them and asks out of the blue:

Other Customer: “Excuse me, how many eighths of an inch are in an inch?”

For a slow-motion second, I see the manager and the newbie stare at the customer, and then at each other.

Manager: “[New Coworker]! Welcome to retail! Please assist this customer with his query!”

The poor newbie got his baptism of fire! 

Related:
Welcome To Retail, Part 7
Welcome To Retail, Part 6
Welcome To Retail, Part 5
Welcome To Retail, Part 4
Welcome To Retail, Part 3

I am taking a train and have just had my ticket checked by a ticket inspector. The inspector then asks the next passenger for his ticket. The passenger starts speaking in a foreign language.

Inspector: *Showing a ticket* “I… need to see… this!”

Passenger: *Speaks some foreign words*

The ticket inspector gets out his phone.

Inspector: “Where are you from?”

I see him loading up a translation app.

Passenger: *Speaks some more foreign words*

Me: “Excuse me, sir, I believe I know what language he’s speaking.”

The passenger looks at me wide-eyed while the inspector breathes a sigh of relief.

Inspector: “Thanks, mate. What language is it?”

Me: “It’s the Black Speech of Mordor.”

The passenger is looking really miffed, while the inspector just looks confused.

Inspector: “Eh? Is that like… an Eastern European thing?”

Me: *Now looking at the passenger directly* “You were saying, ‘Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul,’ weren’t you?”

I look back to the inspector.

Me: “It’s a language from The Lord Of The Rings. It’s the ‘One ring to rule them all’ line. He’s having you on, mate.”

We both now stare pointedly at this fare-dodging passenger.

Passenger: “F*** you.”

The passenger got fined, and I spent the rest of the trip laughing at the audacity.

This story is part of the Editors’-Favorite-Stories Of-2023 roundup!

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