Behind Every Angry Man, Is A Long-Suffering Wife

, , , , | Right | September 11, 2018

(I am a ‘meter maid.’ My job is to ticket cars that have not paid for their meter. I am putting a ticket on a parked car when the driver, a big, long-haired guy, comes up to me, furious. His mousy little wife is following him but is very quiet. He yells at me that he was only parked ‘for two minutes’ and I have no business giving him a ticket.)

Me: “Sir, I have been on this block for ten minutes so I know that your car has been here longer than that.”

Driver: “How dare you call me a liar! I just pulled up here and went inside to get change and pick up my wife. Can’t you even give an honest person a break!”

(He’s looming over me and rather intimidating, I’m wondering if he’s going to actually hit me, when suddenly, his wife steps right in front of me and starts yelling at him.)

Wife: “How dare YOU! She’s just doing her job and you’re yelling at her because you screwed up! You know full well you could have put money in the meter but you were just trying to be cheap. You apologize to her right now and take your ticket like a grownup!”

(He looked absolutely stunned and froze completely. She glared at him until he muttered “Sorry” and wouldn’t meet my eyes. She then apologized calmly to me and held out her hand for the ticket. I let her off with a warning!)

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He Jay-Walked Right Into That One

, , , , | Legal | June 20, 2018

(I am walking the street when I cross the road about 200 hundred metres from the traffic lights. There are about ten office workers standing around smoking. When I cross there are no cars coming. When I am passing the office workers, a cop runs across the road; by now the lights have changed and three cars have to slam their brakes on to avoid hitting him.)

Cop: “Miss, you just jaywalked. I’m going to have to fine you.”

Me: “What? I’m not within 20 metres of the lights. And if I did, then you did, as well, and almost caused three accidents.”

Cop: “Don’t be a smart-a**e; otherwise, I’ll arrest you for obstructing the course of justice, as well.”

(I’m stunned and not sure what to do.)

Office Worker: “Hey, let him. That way he’ll get into s***. There’s CCTV cameras that would have caught the whole thing, and I’ll back you up.”

Other Workers: “Yeah, me, too.”

Cop: “Um… Well, just don’t do it again.”

(He then crossed again without looking, almost causing another accident. Thanks to the office workers, I wasn’t fined, but I wish I had got the camera footage and taken it further.)

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Little Girl, Interrupted

, , , , | Related | August 25, 2017

(I’m walking down the road when I overhear this gem:)

Eight-Year-Old Girl: *to her younger brother* “I don’t know what the point of you being born was. All you do is interrupt me!”

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Brass Knuckles May Be Fake But Those Brass Balls Are Real

, , , | Friendly | August 22, 2017

(My friends and I are on our way back from a night out. There’s three of us, and we’ve all had a few drinks, although we’re not drunk. However, a random guy decides it’s the perfect opportunity to mug us, right as I’m changing from heels into my normal shoes, so he probably only notices my friend’s boyfriend. Please note that the man has a pocket knife.)

Man: “Money and phone, a**h***.”

(I straighten up, look the guy dead in the eye and push my handbag into my friend’s arms. Among my friends I’m quite famous for having a death glare, but apparently I have cranked it up to new heights.)

Me: “You’d better leave right now or I’ll make sure you’ll get acquainted to your own a**h***. Spines are surprisingly flexible when you break them several times.”

(While saying that, in the most icy and calm voice I have ever achieved, I nonchalantly put on some fake, but real-looking brass knuckles that are still in my coat from a play I took part in. For about three seconds, the dude and I just stare at each other, then I shrug, smile, and take a step forward to raise my fist. And he RUNS faster than I’ve ever seen anyone run. My friends just stare at me for a moment.)

Friend: “S***. I knew you were psycho, but not that psycho.”

Boyfriend: “How the f*** did you think it was a good idea to attack a dude with a knife with only brass knuckles?! Do you know martial arts or something?”

Me: “Nope. And those are fake.”

(A few minutes later, I started shaking and the shock kicked in, and I’m pretty sure I actually got hysterical. But my friends still talk about how cool it was when I made a mugger dash. And I actually took up Jiu Jitsu after that. I definitely wouldn’t recommend doing stupid s*** like that to everyone. Had he been a little more courageous, he probably would have stabbed me.)

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Very ‘Special’ Waves

, , , | Friendly | August 13, 2017

(I am sitting on a bench outside of fast food place, eating food I have just bought from there. A woman bumps into me and I instinctively apologise.)

Woman: “I should think so! You bumped into me!

Me: “Actually, you bumped into me.”

Woman: “You have disrupted my special waves and my aura is now mauve instead of opal!”

(She then made a grab for my fries and stormed away when I grabbed them before her. She then bumped into a couple of few benches further  down who were also eating, and said her aura was now shamrock, before again trying to grab their food.)

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