(I, my dad, and mom are taking a walk on a nature trail. I’m four at the time and my dad is carrying me up on his shoulders.)

Me: “Can I hold the stick?” *I am referring to a hiking stick my dad is walking with*

Dad: *hesitantly* “If you promise not to hit me with it…”

Me: “I promise!”

Dad: *hands me the hiking stick*

Me: *immediately hits him on the head with it*

Mom: *starts laughing*

Dad: “[My Name]!” *trying to keep a stern face but failing* “That’s not funny!”

Me: *innocently* “Then why are you guys laughing?”

(The “employee” in this story is a vending machine, but my experience with it certainly left me feeling like a customer in a NAW story! It’s a hot afternoon and I’m feeling thirsty, so I stop by one of the vending machines in the university building I’m at. One of my favorites is available, but the price isn’t displayed, so I push it.)

Vending Machine: “$1.75”

(I have change, so first I put a dollar in.)

Vending Machine: “$1.00”

(I put a quarter in.)

Vending Machine: “$1.00”

(I’m a little confused, but I put two more quarters in.)

Vending Machine: “$1.00”

(I push the COIN RETURN button. The vending machine gives me back the three quarters I put in, but not the dollar. I put in another dollar bill instead.)

Vending Machine: “$2.00”

(I push the drink I wanted again.)

Vending Machine: “SOLD OUT. Please select another drink or push the COIN RETURN button.”

Me: “Oh, come on! You didn’t tell me that until AFTER I put money in?”

(I know that the machine won’t give me my money back if I push the COIN RETURN button, so I find another drink I like and push it.)

Vending Machine: “SOLD OUT. Please select another drink or push the COIN RETURN button.”

(Those are the only two beverages available that I know I like. Defeated, I push a third that I don’t really like, and the machine dispenses it without problem. It also gives me my $0.25 change… in the form of two dimes and a nickel.)

(I am at the park with a guy I’ve recently started seeing and we are talking about relationships, when we get onto the topic of breakups.)

Me: “Well, this one guy I was seeing broke up with me over text. Don’t do that; it will just make me mad at you. If you don’t want to do it in person AT LEAST pick up the phone and call me.”

Guy: “Well, I have this crazy notion that maybe my next relationship won’t end at all. Unless we encounter something really wrong that we can’t get past.” *thinks* “Like if I find out you’re actually an alien using me to create and protect your alien babies while you overthrow humanity.”

Me: *bursts out laughing*

Guy: “In that situation I’d come see you with my ion gun, and be like “Look, you’re really great and I’ve really enjoyed being around you, but this can’t work out. I’m sorry.” and then I’d have to vaporize you.”

Me: “Wow, that’s harsh. Couldn’t just let me go in peace?”

Guy: “Well, you ARE trying to overthrow the human race!”

Me: “…Maybe you should break up with me over text…”

(I am walking with my friend and her two year old daughter when we pass an old closed down strip club. Her daughter runs up and tugs on the door.)

Friend: “No, don’t go in there. You’re not a stripper.”

Daughter: *curious* “Stripper?”

Friend: *looking at me* “Whoops…”

(Neither one of us could stop laughing, and I think my friend has learned to be a little more careful what she says around her daughter, who is clearly in the “repeating everything I hear” phase!)

(I’m playing at a creek with a friend when I find the largest fishing spider I’ve ever seen sitting on the rock by the water where a bunch of minnows are swimming. I adore spiders.)

Me: “[Friend], look! I found a spider! Isn’t she beautiful?”

(My friend walks over, takes one look at it, and smashes it with one of her flip flops, then knocks its body into the water. I’m currently in too much shock to form a response.)

Friend: “If you hadn’t told me it was there, it would still be alive. Now you’ve learned for next time.”

(She did things like this many times over the years, knowing well enough that it would upset me. Unsurprisingly, several years later we had a huge falling out and I refuse to even speak her name now.)