(My sister and I go camping by ourselves, which is a first since we usually go with our dad, so I’m a little nervous because we don’t have his protection and there’s a lot of drunk strangers close by at the neighboring campsites. We’re lying down in our tent to sleep.)

Sister: “Do you ever wonder how long it would take someone to find our bodies if we get slashed by a psycho while we sleep out here?”

(She then went promptly to sleep. Several hours later when the sun was coming up, she asked me why I was still wide awake and why I’d brought the tire iron from the boot of the car into the tent with us.)

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(At summer camp, I have made fast friends with a guy who shares my love of melodrama and geek-dom, so despite our close bond, we pretend to be bitter rivals, often dishing out some rather interesting insults. One day while relaxing outside…)

Friend: “You know, I still can’t get over the fact that you hid my cheesecake last weekend.”

Me: “Oi, I gave it back. Besides, you were being a bothersome troll and stole my phone!”

Friend: “Regardless, vengeance is not long in store.”

Me: “Oh, please. You’re all talk; you’d never actually do anything.”

Friend: “Well, you wouldn’t either, so the point comes to nothing.”

Me: “Nope, if I make a threat, I’ll follow through.”

(Ten minutes later, I lay back on the grass, closing my eyes, and suddenly hear footsteps nearby. I open my eyes to see my friend leaning over me, our faces only inches apart.)

Me: *deadpan* “If you do that again, I will punch you in the face.”

Friend: *stands up, walks around, comes back, and leans over again*

Me: *swings fist up in a punch*

Friend: *leaps back* “Dude! What- Did you just…?”

Me: “Oh, I knew you’d avoid it. I just wanted to prove I meant what I said.”

(I won that day’s battle of banter by far.)

(My family and I are walking around a lake in the city, when my grandfather spots an old friend.)

Friend: “[Grandfather]! Long time, no see!”

Grandfather: “[Friend]! How’re you doing? This is my granddaughter, [My Name].”

(As my grandfather and his friend talk, I can see a man power-walking towards us. Since the path is kind of narrow, and my grandfather and his friend are taking up some space, I step back so the power-walker can pass by.)

Power-Walker: *to me* “DON’T BLOCK THE PATH!”

(I guess I didn’t step back far enough for him…)

(Some friends and I got together to have a Nerf war in the forest at a relative’s house. After an extended period of time, we all realized that we’ve lost track of one of our friends in the chaos.)

Me: “Is [Friend #1] even still here, or did he walk back into the house?”

Friend #2: “I’m not sure. He did say that he was hungry earlier, but he usually tells someone before he leaves.”

Friend #3: “Yo, [Friend #1], are you out there buddy?”

(There’s still no answer and we can’t figure out where he’s hiding.)

Friend #2: “Well, he’s either really well hidden or he went back to the house without telling anyone.”

(All of a sudden Friend #1, covered in mud, drops down from a nearby tree, shoots us all with a Nerf dart, shouts “peanut butter toast” as a battle cry, and then disappears into the woods again. We all stand watching the direction he disappeared to in stunned silence.)

Me: “I think that just raised more questions than it answered.”

(He later claimed it was a crazy homeless guy and not him, even though he was still covered in mud and his favorite snack is peanut butter toast.)

(My husband takes my son out for trick-or-treating, while I stay home and hand out stuff to the trick-or-treaters. I have made my husband a grim reaper costume, complete with a deep-cowled hood, blackout face mask, and black silk gloves. He carries a large cardboard scythe. At one house, the homeowner gives my son his treat, then asks:)

Homeowner: “Who’s that big guy behind you?”

Husband: *in his deepest voice* “I’m his father.”

(The guy yelped, jumped back, and dumped his candy bowl. When they got home, son was bouncing with excitement:)

Son: “Daddy scared a grown-up! Daddy scared a grown-up!”