Needs Friends With A Sunnier Disposition

| Friendly | January 24, 2014

(It’s the peak of summer and the average temperature is 45°C / 113°F. I’m walking on the street with some friends when I see a guy carrying a large bag that rips open, spilling its contents on the sidewalk. As I start to help him pick everything up, my friends keep walking until one of them notices me and stops.)

Friend: “Wait, guys. [My Name] is helping that guy.”

(My other friends stop and look, but instead of helping…)

Friend: “Let’s wait here in the shade!”

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I Have No Words

| Friendly | January 23, 2014

(I’ve been walking downtown with my girlfriend. We’ve been talking about how different people communicate differently, when we spot a homeless man wandering aimlessly towards us.)

Me: “…as I was saying, even family members or people that are close to each other usually understand the same words differently, so, it is highly probable that a complete stranger will use a completely different set of words to communicate—”

(At this point the homeless man is right in front of us.)

Homeless Man: *waving hands* “AAAAHHHHHHH!”

Girlfriend: *waving hands* “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

(The homeless man just blinks and wanders off.)

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I Have A Sinking Feeling, Part 2

| Right | January 23, 2014

(Our beach normally has a 15-minute swim break to clear the water to make sure no one is missing, and to allow the lifeguards a short break. Today is incredibly busy and hot, and we are extremely understaffed since most of the college students have returned to school. The manager has just announced a 30-minute swim break. I am at the beach gate, where we collect the entrance fees.)

Woman: *in a rude tone* “Who just made that announcement? Where is that person?”

Me: “The beach manager. They are in the lifeguard office. Is there something I can help you with?”

Woman: “What do they mean a 30-minute swim break?! That’s ridiculous!”

Me: “Well, we always have a 15-minute swim break, but today they are extending it to 30 minutes for a few reasons. For one, since there are so many people it takes more time to clear the water. Also, we are understaffed today and have already had one lifeguard go home sick. The longer break allows the lifeguards time for a break so they can be focused when they go on the stands.”

Woman: “This is insane! I can’t believe this place! How inconsiderate!” *storms off*

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Wouldn’t Know Fun If She Drove Into It

| Right | December 24, 2013

(We are having an annual Christmas parade. It blocks a lot of traffic for about an hour. A driver pulls up to me.)

Driver: “Excuse me. I need to drive through here. I need to get out to go do some business.”

Me: “Sorry. The parade is going on right now. You can go the other direction but it’s not safe for you to go this way.”

Driver: “I have a business to run. This is a business street. If you guys want to have fun you need to go find a fun street and not have fun on our business street!”

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To Be Beside The Seedy Side

| Romantic | December 22, 2013

(My boyfriend and I are sitting on a pier looking into the water. I see what I think is a weedy sea dragon, which is a type of seahorse. I can sometimes be a bit dyslexic with my words.)

Boyfriend: “Look, a fish!”

Me: “No, that’s a seedy wee dragon.”

(My boyfriend just looks at me.)

Me: “… I did not mean to say that.”

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