Playing With A Smoking Gun

| Friendly | April 2, 2014

(I’m out and about with my boyfriend and two of his friends, one of which has never met me before. We have just driven past a group of teens our age smoking and have parked in the parking lot of a popular store.)

Me: “I don’t understand how teens our age can tolerate smoking! It’s so gross!”

Boyfriend: “Well… I mean… uh…”

New Guy: *turns to me, cigarette in mouth* “Got a light?”

Me: “…”

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A Fountain Of Stupidity

| Learning | March 27, 2014

(While on a class field trip, our teacher takes us to a water fountain that looks like a chimney coming out of the ground.)

Student #1: “Why isn’t it on?”

Teacher: “It isn’t.”

Student #2: “Then it’s a trash can?”

Teacher: “No…”

Student #3: “Then what is it?”

Teacher: “A water fountain.”

Student # 4: “No.”

Student # 5: “Where’s the water…” *panicking* WHERE’S THE FOUNTAIN!”

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Parental Approval Is A Mountain To Climb

| Related | March 27, 2014

(I chose to attend a school that’s half an hour away from my house because I live in the rural part of my state and the high school I live in the boundaries for is less than satisfactory. My dad and I have just helped a family move into their new house.)

Dad: “This craziness is why I would never want to move.”

Me: “I would want to move somewhere up near [current school].”

Dad: “Well, you should’ve just gone to [boundary school].”

Me: “Where there are drugs and guns and gangs?!”

Dad: “Psh… there aren’t guns.”

Me: “Yes, there are! There have been people shot! Would you want your kids in that environment?”

Dad: “That’s nothing! You know I had to walk through the jungle with nothing to eat and I had to climb up and down a mountain with landmines and people dying every second.”

(This is how conversations with Asian parents always end… no matter how difficult your life is, theirs have always been worse because they had to climb a mountain, or swim across a lake…)

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Not Enough Money In The World

| Learning | March 24, 2014

(Our class is on a trip to the Peak District, a popular hiking range famed for its natural beauty. One of the more humorous exhibits is the ‘money tree,’ where there is coinage from across the world stuck into the trunk of the tree.)

Teacher: “Gather around, class. This is the ‘money tree.’ When they say money doesn’t grow on trees, they’re lying.”

(Student #1 tries to pick money off the tree.)

Student #1: “The money isn’t coming off this tree, sir. Can you help me?”

Teacher: “No… the money doesn’t really come out…”

Student #2: “But why is it the ‘money tree’ if it won’t give us money? Apple trees give us apples!”

Teacher: “I don’t get paid enough…”

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Getting Pretty Upset

| Friendly | March 13, 2014

(I am a sophomore in high school, and currently walking to school. I am waiting for the green to cross the street when I see a very disheveled woman storming her way towards me.)

Upset Woman: *midway through a rant* “—that’s how it was when I was beautiful!”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. What? I didn’t catch that.”

Upset Woman: “Of course you didn’t! You NEVER catch how fleeting your beauty is! You think you’re just a smoking little pistol, don’t you?!”

(The green signals me to cross the street. I start walking, but the woman follows me, still in her conversation at me.)

Me: “Not really. I’m just walking—”

Upset Woman: “Well, I used to be beautiful, too! That was before THIS!”

(The woman pulls down the top of her blouse, revealing most of her cleavage. It is aged, but beyond that I’m just shocked that this woman is flashing me.)

Upset Woman: “Now no one will love me! I’m hideous! Damaged goods! If we both fell down a long flight of stairs and ended up HORRIBLY MANGLED, you know who they’d save?”

Me: *trying to avoid the conversation* “I don’t think that’s likely to happen.”

Upset Woman: “They’d save you! Because cops only rescue the pretty ones, leave the worthless garbage in the dark where it belongs!”

(She rants on like this for a few more blocks, and eventually she turns down a different street. Thankfully I never saw her again! Yikes!)

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