A Disorder Is Not A Disability

| Romantic | March 16, 2012

(It is the first time my friends have met my girlfriend. She has a disorder that makes it so she can’t really read body language, which means that she doesn’t respond to physical intimidation. We are leaving a coffee house to walk to a nearby restaurant.)

Stranger: *shouting* “Hey! I need money for the bus!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any. We’ve got to get going.”

(The stranger places himself in our way and gets in my girlfriend’s face—probably because she’s small and he thinks he can intimidate her.)

Stranger: “I SAID I need money for the bus!”

(She stares at him blankly for a moment before giving him an awkward grin.)

Girlfriend: “You’re funny.”

(My friends burst out laughing, and the stranger runs off looking uncomfortable.)

Me: “That’s why I love you, babe.”

Girlfriend: “Because of my innate ability to make creepy strangers uncomfortable?”

(My friends are laughing so hard they can barely stand up, and they end up buying dinner for both of us.)

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Counting Yogi Bears Can Make A Boo-Boo

, | Related | March 11, 2012

(My family is visiting Yellowstone for the first time, and my nine-year-old cousin has seen something he’s really excited about.)

Cousin: “Auntie! Auntie! Guess what? I have two words for you—no, no…three! I. Saw. A bear!”

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Married To A Total Cow

| Related | March 9, 2012

(I am father to a three-year-old daughter. My daughter, wife and I have just finished spending a day at a small city farm where children can interact with farm animals.)

Me: “So, sweetie…what was your favorite animal at the farm today?”

Daughter: “Mummy!”

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This Couple Rocks

| Romantic | March 2, 2012

(I am waiting at the bus stop for my bus, and talking to my fiancé on the phone.)

Fiancé: “That was a good one!”

Me: “Of course it was! I said it!”

Fiancé: “Well, you are pretty sharp, like a…”

(His pause lasts for about 10 seconds before I decide to help him out.)

Me: “…a knife?”

Fiancé: *immediately after* “A rock!”

Me: “A rock?!”

Fiancé: “A knife!” *few seconds pause* “I don’t know where rock came from. I said knife right after!”

Me: “I said it first! And isn’t the saying that someone is a dull as a rock?”

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Better Than Being Dragged To A Cave

| Romantic | February 26, 2012

(My boyfriend and I are at a hockey game. He hands me a misshapen shelled peanut.)

Me: “Aw thanks. Wait, did you just give me this one because it’s a mutant?”

Him: “No, but I am following my primate instincts. I’m trying to mate with you, so I’m winning you over with peanuts.”

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