The Pitfalls Of Parenting

, | Related | April 11, 2012

(My wife and my two-year-old daughter go to a local playground. My wife sees a pair of three-year-old boys digging a large hole in the sand.)

Wife: “Aw, look how cute they are.”

(I look over, and being a guy, I know exactly what they are up to.)

Me: “They are digging a pitfall trap.”

Wife: *laughing* “Don’t be so silly.”

(Five minutes later, one of the boys came over to my daughter.)

Boy: “Why don’t you come over here? Don’t look down…”

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Epic Wail

| Related | April 5, 2012

(A child of about six has been riding her scooter up and down the disabled ramp. She falls off. Her mother is standing nearby, but has her arms full with another little girl, about three, so hasn’t moved to comfort her. The child is crying.)

Mum: *sounding sympathetic* “Oh, dear.”

(The child, realising she is getting attention, starts wailing louder.)

Mum: *sounding less sympathetic* “Now that’s what I call epic fail.”

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The Whatchamacallit Family

, | Related | April 2, 2012

(My father and his brother own an apple orchard that’s been in the family for close to 100 years. One day, I am going to run an errand, and my brother, one of our cousins, and their wives happened to be there.)

Cousin: “Are you taking the thing to place?” (Translation: Are you taking the van to the frozen storage facility?)

Me: “To get the stuff, yeah.” (Translation: To get the cider that’s been in storage, yeah.)

Brother: “Did they tell you that you have to flip the doo-dad?” (Translation: Did they (Dad and uncle) tell you that you have to flip the latch on the door to get it to catch when you close it?)

Me: “Yes, and Hidgegummy showed me how to use the whatsits to open the gizmo.” (Yes, and Dad showed me how to use the crowbar to jimmy open the rear door with the latch that is stuck closed.))

(Upon hearing all this, my cousin’s wife, her eyes huge, turns to my brother’s wife.)

Cousin’s wife: “Oh. My. God! The whole family does it!””

(Note: We know that the aphasia likely isn’t genetic since my cousin is adopted.)

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Be Careful What You Whistle For

| Related | March 26, 2012

(I am female, and I have a brother and a sister. My siblings and I are walking in Philadelphia. Some guy whistles at me and my sister.)

Brother: “Why, thank you, sir!”

Some Guy: *turns red and hurries off*

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A Disorder Is Not A Disability

| Romantic | March 16, 2012

(It is the first time my friends have met my girlfriend. She has a disorder that makes it so she can’t really read body language, which means that she doesn’t respond to physical intimidation. We are leaving a coffee house to walk to a nearby restaurant.)

Stranger: *shouting* “Hey! I need money for the bus!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any. We’ve got to get going.”

(The stranger places himself in our way and gets in my girlfriend’s face—probably because she’s small and he thinks he can intimidate her.)

Stranger: “I SAID I need money for the bus!”

(She stares at him blankly for a moment before giving him an awkward grin.)

Girlfriend: “You’re funny.”

(My friends burst out laughing, and the stranger runs off looking uncomfortable.)

Me: “That’s why I love you, babe.”

Girlfriend: “Because of my innate ability to make creepy strangers uncomfortable?”

(My friends are laughing so hard they can barely stand up, and they end up buying dinner for both of us.)

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