He’s Crooked As A Barrel Of Fish

| USA | Friendly | March 4, 2017

(I’m 11 and new to fishing, so I haven’t caught anything all day. My family leaves to play soccer. There is a rule that if the fish is too small, it must be thrown back. As the sun sets, I feel a bite so I pull. To my delight, I catch a small fish! I put it in a bucket that has lake water and call for my family to see.)

Me: “Guys! I caught my first fish!”

(A man in a uniform comes up and gives me a friendly smile.)

Man: “Catch of the day, huh?”

Me: “Yeah, I’m just trying to find my family to show–”

(Smile becoming a smirk, he snatches my fish and throws it back into the lake, and disappears.)

Family: “Did you catch something? Who was that?”

(I was not a happy camper.)

Boating With Dr. Dolittle

| USA | Friendly | March 1, 2017

(My mother is a German teacher; every other year, a colleague from Germany who helps coordinate the student exchange program stays with my family for a few weeks in the early fall. My dad enjoys taking the colleague boating and to national parks on weekends, since Germany is more urban and has fewer animals.)

Colleague: *on the drive to the boat* “I should like to see a deer…”

(A few minutes later, one runs across the road, and my dad has to slam on the brakes, but they are okay and reach the lake. Later, on the boat…)

Colleague: “I should like to see an eagle!”

(One flies very close to the boat. Both guys are amazed, until it poops on the hand-scrubbed deck. My dad pauses, looks at the mess, at the colleague, then at the deep, freezing water.)

Dad: “Whatever you do, DON’T say ‘I should like to see a whale!’”

Recognise A Stalker When I See One

| Brooklyn, NY, USA | Friendly | February 24, 2017

(I’m a young woman in the city, walking down the street in winter with a fluffy coat and jeans to get groceries, no makeup or contacts on. Suddenly, a guy rides up from behind me on his bike.)

Guy: *before he’s even in front of me* “Hey, you look familiar!”

Me: “Uh…”

Guy: *finally coming around and seeing my face* “No, really, you do!”

Me: “…”

Guy: “Oh, I guess that sounds weird since I was behind you, huh?”

Me: “Yeah, kinda.”

Guy: “It’s not a pick-up line!”

Me: *visibly uncomfortable at this point* “Okay…”

Guy: “So do you live on this block or something?”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Guy: “Yeah! I totally have seen you around. Have you been to [Bar #1] or [Bar #2]?”

Me: “No.”

Guy: “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

Me: “Yes.”

Guy: “Well, I’m not hitting on you.”

Me: “…”

Guy: “No, really, I’m looking for advice for a place to take my date later.”

Me: “How would I know?”

Guy: “Have you heard of [Bar #3]?”

Me: *rounding the corner, finally* “I’m going to go this way now.”

Guy: “Oh, that’s too bad. Bye then. Maybe I’ll see you around!”

(I really hope I haven’t just found a stalker…)

That’s A Bald Prophecy

| Campbell, CA, USA | Related | February 15, 2017

(When I was about four, I was told about male-pattern baldness and the fact that it will happen to me eventually.. For the next week or so, I would inform random strangers that:)

4-Year-Old Me: “When I get old my hair’s gonna go VOOM, just like Daddy’s!”

Losing Weight And Friends

| Brisbane, QLD, Australia | Friendly | February 14, 2017

(A friend and I joined a gym around the same time last year. She started going more often than I did for a short while, then later stopped all together. I had done the same but over the past week I decided to become much more serious with getting fit and losing weight. I also joined an online weight-loss and coaching group.)

Me: “D***, I packed everything but my track pants.”

Friend: “Oh, have you started going back to the gym?”

Me: “Yes. I went on Monday. I also joined [Online Group], too, and have lost two and a half kilos since last week.”

Friend: *sneering at me* “It doesn’t look it.”

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