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Thanks For The Assist!

, , , , , | Legal | June 24, 2022

Years ago, when I lived in a big city and didn’t have a car myself, I once rented a car to drive myself and some elderly friends to a meeting outside of town. I’d already noticed that the clutch wasn’t working really well, but I hadn’t expected the car to stall completely. And of course, that happened at the busiest intersection of the city during rush hour.

Amidst catcalls that I’d gotten my driver’s license in [Another Country], two friendly passersby helped to push the car off the intersection, as my passengers weren’t physically capable of doing that. One of them lent me their phone to contact the rental company — pre-ubiquitous cellphone days. That company threw me on hold as soon as they picked up the phone and left us hanging for twenty minutes.

In the meantime, the car was on the curb of the ramp leading up to a bridge. Dozens of people informed us that we were in an “inconvenient” place. We knew, of course!

Then, this police van drove up and stopped in front of us. It was filled with eight rookies and an instructor. The police instructor got out and approached me.

Instructor: “Miss, this is a very inconvenient place to stop.”

Me: “Yes, Officer, I know, but the car broke down and I’m on hold with the rental company.”

The officer looked at me and at the situation and then said:

Instructor: “They’ll be with you shortly, then.”

And he and his van full of policemen in training drove off without offering any further help.

I finally got to speak with someone from the rental company and they said they’d be there in another fifteen or twenty minutes. Ten minutes later, another police officer on a motorbike stopped next to me.

Officer: “Miss, you’re standing at an inconvenient and dangerous spot.”

Me: “Yes, I know, Officer, but the car broke down and the rental company will take another fifteen minutes to get here.”

Officer: “You can get the car into neutral, can’t you?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Officer: “You’re on an incline, so if you put the car into neutral, you can roll back across this part of the road and onto the median.”

Me: “I’d like to, but there’s too much traffic.”

Officer: “True, but I am a police officer.”

He proceeded to stop all traffic, and I managed to get the car on the median in one fluid roll-back. 

Now, why couldn’t those nine policemen have done something like that? I still wonder.

It’s Not All Yogi Out Here

, , , , , , , | Right | June 5, 2022

I’m a national park ranger and a family approaches me near the entrance to a large woodland.

Father: “When do you let the bears out?”

Me: “Pardon me? Let them out? They’re wild animals; we don’t let them out of anything.”

Father: “Then when do they do the tricks?”

Me: “Tricks? Sir, I think you have this place confused with a zoo or a circus.”

Father: “Well, what is this place, then?”

Me: “A national park! It’s all natural as possible, as mother nature intended.”

Father: “What if we used honey as incentive? Would the bear do a trick for me then?”

Me: “Sure! It would be such an amazing trick that it would be all you’d be thinking of until your dying breath.”

I did not let that family go anywhere near the bears without a real explanation of how stupid they were being.

Dug Himself Right Into A Hole Of Stupid

, , , , , , | Working | CREDIT: johndeerekid77 | June 3, 2022

I live out on an acreage, and during the spring, our ditch that lets water out of our yard plugs up with snow. We have a wheel loader and an excavator to deal with these issues. It should also be said that we have the exact same excavator as our local rural municipality.

We were out working with the excavator, unplugging the ditch. The base of the excavator was sitting on the road and the boom was reaching down into the ditch. I was sitting in the cab when a black pickup truck rolled up with the orange flashing lights and the rural municipality logos all over it.

The guy in the truck got out, walked around the back of the machine, came over to the cab, and ripped the door open, smashing it against the side of the machine, breaking the main window.

Man: *Yelling in my face* “What do you think you’re doing?!”

Me: “Um, working in our ditch.”

Man: “Do you know who I am?! I could have your job for this!”

Then, I realized he thought that I worked for the rural municipality. I replied by pointing to where the rural municipality decal usually is on their excavators; it wasn’t there on our excavator. He looked and saw that it was missing the decal, and then he looked at me, and then at my dad standing in the ditch.

Then, he realized that we didn’t work for the rural municipality. He shuffled back to his truck, looking very embarrassed about the situation.

We later got an email from the rural municipality saying that they would replace the glass and an apology letter from the guy. In the end, we put our own decals on our excavator so this wouldn’t happen again.

Bad Tourists Never Go Out Of Tile

, , , , , | Right | May 4, 2022

My daughter (a future archeologist) and I were visiting a dig site in Turkey with a small tour group from our cruise ship. The staff showed us a beautiful Roman Era mosaic pavement they were preserving, pouring water on it to bring the colors to life.

One man from our group, an enthusiastic photographer, stepped on the pavement to take a photo! Gasps of horror from all present.

His son hurriedly pulled him off and apologized. The photographer never did seem to understand what he did wrong.

Some Of Us Are Devolving

, , , , , | Friendly | April 25, 2022

I was walking my mom’s dog through the park near her house one morning. The two of us were heading down the path, minding our own business when a stranger walked up.

He proceeded to ask me if I believed in evolution, then before I could actually respond he started ranting about how someone (I never actually got who this person was supposed to be) had looked at two lizard fossils and they were exactly the same. And something, something, evolution is a fraud! I don’t actually know all of what he said, not only was he shouting, his words were semi-incoherent. He just wasn’t enunciating, it was like he had a mouthful of marbles that he was shouting around.

Now, I actually majored in evolutionary biology in college, but I wasn’t wearing anything indicating that and I have no idea what set the guy off. As far as I knew, I’d never met him before in my life.

But my mom’s dog has a profound dislike of strange men, especially ones who are shouting, so at this point, she went into a frenzy of barking at him with her hackles up. Mom’s dog has never actually attacked anyone, and she wasn’t a large dog, but as aggressive as she was behaving, this guy decided that she might. And to be fair, she might have- I make it a point to never assume that a dog won’t attack.

The upside was that he ran off, presumably to harass more random strangers.

As the dog and I were leaving the park, I saw the guy again, getting into his car. He saw me, shouted something about lizards, and drove off.