(I am hugging my girlfriend while we are walking, and have made the joke that I am a cling-on.)
Me: “Will you be my Tribble, if I be your Klingon?”
Girlfriend: “…but Klingons and Tribbles hate each other.”
Me: “…but, you’re soft and cute like a Tribble, and I’m clinging-on to you; it’s perfect!”
Girlfriend: “No, Tribbles hate Klingons!”
Me: “…you’re still cute.”
(While watching the 4th of July parade in the 95 degree weather, we are talking about watching the fireworks that evening.)
Aunt: “Make sure you get there early so you can get a spot in the shade!”
(A few minutes later, my aunt realizes what she has said.)
Aunt: “Oh. Nevermind.”
(My boyfriend and I are riding in a truck bed with another friend. We each have a beer in our hands with another pack sitting with us. A state trooper passes by, does a U-turn, and pulls us over. The driver, my boyfriend’s uncle, steps out of the cab to greet the trooper. Note that I am male, and look extremely young for my age, whereas my boyfriend looks every bit his age, given his height and facial hair.)
Uncle: “Evening! What can I do for you?”
Trooper: “I was passing by, and I saw what looked like a young child in the truck bed. You have to be 18 to ride in a bed, son.”
Me: “Oh, that’s okay. I’m 24.”
(I pull out my driver’s license, and show the trooper. He is satisfied, and says nothing about the beer everywhere. The trooper leaves.)
Friend: “You would think he would card all of us instead of just you.”
Boyfriend: “We are going to tease you so much over this.”
Me: “If I look under 18, what does that make you look like?”
Boyfriend: “I… uh…”
(Because my girlfriend and I are lesbians, we get a lot of drivers honking and catcalling at us when we walk down the street together. One night, we are walking home after dinner, and we hear a car honk when we are crossing the street.)
Girlfriend: “Wait, who is…?”
(The car honks again. I become agitated, assuming the worst.)
Me: “I swear, if they’re honking at us, I’m going to go right up to them and punch them in the—”
Girlfriend: “[Name]! It’s your FAMILY!”
(Sure enough, my mom, father, and brother are all waving at us from the intersection. I use my girlfriend’s hand to face-palm myself.)
(My sister and I are American, but she lives in Paris. I barely speak any French, so she and her friends speak English when I visit. During my first visit, I am surprised at the way men harass us on the street.)
Middle-Aged Man: *calls out to us in French*
Me: “Was he speaking to us?”
Sister: “It’s nothing; just ignore him.”
Man’s Friend: *makes obviously rude comment*
Me: “Did I do something to insult them?”
Sister’s Friend: “No, they’re just being men.”
(As the two men continue to jeer, I get increasingly uncomfortable. My sister sees this.)
Sister: “Calm down. I’ll take care of this.”
(She walks over, smiles, and speaks to them politely for a bit. They turn white, and almost run away.)
Me: “What did you just say to them?”
Sister: “I just asked them to stop being so rude, nothing major.”
(I later ask my sister’s friend what everyone was saying. Here’s a rough translation:)
Middle-Aged Man: “Hey gorgeous, come over here! Hey, do you even speak French?”
Man’s Friend: “Just listen to them! Stupid Americans; probably can’t understand us.”
Sister: “Listen, you inbred sons of syphilitic w*****. I don’t like the way you’re speaking to my baby sister. She may not understand you, but I can. And if you don’t stop, I will gladly cut off your pathetic excuses for manhood, and feed them to the pigeons. Okay?”
(I love my sister.)
