(I am taking my girlfriend and best friend to dinner, and have just found an awesome parking spot, but I have to parallel park.)

Me: “I GOT THIS!”

Girlfriend & Best Friend: “No, you don’t.”

(Suddenly a random and flamboyant man shows up.)

Man: “Honey.” *turns to my girlfriend but points at me* “Is that one yours?”

Girlfriend: “Indeed he is.”

Man: “Honey. I’m gonna help your man park. I’m a New York Jew, and he is cute!”

(He then helps me park perfectly, then runs back to his date.)

Me: “Can’t I ever go somewhere and not get emasculated?”

Girlfriend: “Look at the positive side! Now two people here think you’re cute!”

(My dad and I are crossing a bridge, which goes over a railway track. Two women are holding their toddler-aged children up to the railings of the bridge, obviously trainspotting.)

Dad: “Aww, that’s a nice thing to do with your kids on a Sunday…”

(I’m about to agree, when he adds…)

Dad: “Throw them over the railings and go to the pub!”

(I’m female. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this.)

Me: “I’ve got a twin brother.”

Person: “Are you identical?!”

(I am out teaching my brother how to ride a scooter. We are on our way back when he slows down and stops.)

Brother: “My nipples hurt!”

Me: “What? Do you even know where your nipples are?”

Brother: *points to his lower ribs* “They’re here.”

Me: “Those are your RIBS!”

Brother: “But do I have nipples?”

Me: “Uhhh… I guess… but they’re not in your ribs.”

Brother: “But do girls have nipples?”

Me: “Yeah, girls do have them.”

Brother: “But not all the girls have nipples. The ones with the really long hair don’t have nipples!”

Me: “WHAT? Where did you learn that?”

Brother: “Sesame Street!”

(My four-year-old son and I are walking home from day-care, when we have a small argument. After a moment, he takes my hand and gives it a kiss.)

Me: “Thank you for that, but you’re still in trouble.”

Son: “How will I not be in trouble?”

Me: “By listening to me.”

Son: “No… that won’t work.”