(My six-year-old son and I are chatting as I walk him to school. For some reason we end up discussing when you should go to a doctor and when you should just take care of yourself.)
Son: “But if you’re in a bad accident, you should call the ‘prime-medics’ *paramedics*, because then if you die, at least you’ll die safely.”
Friend #1: “I have to go see if I can buy this book for a class I dropped.”
Professor: “Um… why?”
Friend #1: “Well, because I rented this book instead of buying it, and then I dropped the class, and now I can’t find the book. I’ve looked everywhere!”
Friend #2: “Isn’t your mom doing a yard sale? You might want to check with her just in case.”
Friend #1: “Yeah, but if she doesn’t have it, I suppose I’ll have to go buy a new copy…”
Professor: “Use a ouija board!”
Me: “Sell your soul to the devil and resurrect it!”
Professor: “Hmm.”
Friend #2: “That wouldn’t work. You’d only have the ghost of the book.”
Me: “Yeah… I guess they would tend to disappear… and go through walls at inopportune times.”
Friend #2: “You’d be haunted by the ghost book.”
Professor: “Oooooooo! You should have returned meeeeeeeeeeee!”
(I’m at the front gates of a motor racing event that’s held in the middle of a field and usually on a Sunday. There’s no houses around for a couple of miles, apart from the odd one or two. It has just gone 11 am and riders are going out onto the track to practice and sort their bikes out. An older lady pulls up and I go to greet her.)
Me: “Hey, just you?”
Woman: “What’s all the noise?”
Me: “It’s a racing event, miss.”
Woman: “What are they doing?”
Me: “They’re practicing.”
Woman: “Well can’t they practice somewhere else?”
Me: “Practice somewhere else?”
Woman: “Yes. I’m about to have a bible study with my friends.”
Me: “I’m sorry about the noise being close to your home but I’m afraid we can’t relocate to another convenient field, re-stake all the ropes, and move everyone else at such short notice.”
Woman: “It’s not close to my home. I’m 10 miles away. I was just having a drive before my bible study.”
Me: “Well, if it’s not going to be a distraction, why are you complaining?”
Woman: “This shouldn’t be allowed! IT’S GOD’S DAY!”
(I’m Indonesian and I live in an area where there are lots of tourists. Being Bali itself, there are barely any traffic laws enforced and lots of tourists tend to rent out scooters and treat them like toys. I’m turning into my favorite restaurant at a T-junction with no red light and my blinkers on, and today I felt like being extra cautious since the scooter I borrowed is my friend’s. I slow down and see a tourist and her son far away in the opposite direction but as I cross from the other side of the street, I see her actually speed up in her attempt to pass me when clearly there is a hump coming up. It’s rainy season so the roads are wet and of course when she tries to brake while going 40 miles/hour the bike violently slides. I am watching the whole thing since I have already parked my motorbike. Luckily no one was badly hurt.)
Me: “Are you all right, lady?”
Tourist: “This is your fault, you stupid girl! That was an illegal turn!”
Me: “Well, no, that wasn’t illegal. This is a two-way road.”
Tourist: “You apologize and you go pay for my bike!”
Me: “No, you were going too fast on rainy day. I had my blinkers on and clearly about to turn in. I saw you and you were far away.”
Tourist: “I don’t care! I have an international license!”
Me: “I’m sorry, but that doesn’t mean anything, especially when you drive like that! I’m sorry this happened though. I suggest you go to the mechanics. They’ll fix up the scratches and it’s really cheap. Don’t go to the place where you rented the bike or they’ll make you pay $100.”
Tourist: “So you admit it? It’s your fault!”
Me: “I meant sorry this had to happen to you, not sorry my bad. Lady, I did nothing wrong. In fact I was actually trying to help you out!”
Tourist: “No, this is your fault! You owe me money! YOU OWE ME MONEY!”
(I look at the bike, it’s brand new but with a few scratches because of the crash. While the argument just goes back and forth, her son is clearly huddled under a tree crying and also he was wearing NO helmet while riding on the back with his mother.)
Tourist: “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT? YOU OWE ME MONEY OR I’LL CALL THE COPS!”
Me: “Lady, go ahead. I’m not worried. But clearly the money seems more important to you than your son who could be injured.”
(She looks at her son who is in shock. She asks him if he’s all right and takes a second to check for any bleeding and then goes back to me.)
Me: “If you’d like I can point you towards the closest hospital or clinic.”
Tourist: “NO! You owe me money! You are just a stupid girl! I’m calling the cops! Give me your address, phone number, and the money!”
Me: “Lady, I have no money! Not on me and certainly not enough in the bank and if I did I wouldn’t give any of it to you! I’ve offered to go to the mechanics with you but I’m not paying a cent for your own negligence! I’m a painter, lady! I’m broke!”
Tourist: “Well, I’m broke, too!”
Me: “Right, you’re so broke you rented a brand new bike during your vacation in Bali. Here let me call the police for you.”
(At this point I decided to call my boyfriend’s mom, a cop who is head of the district we’re in. As I’m calling I began to tear up a bit from all the frustration. I wait on the phone for a good five minutes until the tourist gave up and asked me for my number to show her a good mechanic. And after that full hour of arguing, she didn’t even feel it important enough follow through on the mechanic BECAUSE SHE WAS LATE FOR A MASSAGE!)
(My boyfriend and I are walking down the street, holding hands, when a group of cyclists passes us.)
Cyclist: *yelling* “THE TWO OF YOU ARE A CUTE COUPLE!”
Me: *yelling back* “THANK YOU!”
Cyclist: *louder* “MAKE BABIES!”
Me: *as loudly as I can* “I’M ALREADY ON IT!”
(My boyfriend just about died with embarrassment!)
