(There is a new kid that has recently moved to my town. He is pretty attractive so all the girls are going mad about him.)

Friend #1: “Did you see the new kid? He’s so hot. Like, oh my god, I want his baby.”

Friend #2: “I know! He’s on point, like d***!”

Me: “Have either of you guys actually talked to him? Do you know if he’s nice at all?”

Friend #2: “…”

Friend #1: “We tried smelling him.”

(My boyfriend and I are at a BBQ with some friends. I am musically inclined, and during conversation, bring up the topic of hand-bell ensembles. A hand-bell is a bell that plays a single note. To play a whole piece you would need multiple hand-bells to play every note in the piece.)

Boyfriend: “Depending on the piece, a hand-bell ensemble would have to be huge to play every note.”

Me: “Not necessarily. Each person could hold two bells, so you would only need half as many people as there were different notes.”

Boyfriend: “Oh yeah, I forgot that people have two arms…”

(I work security at several low income housing developments. The officer that I replaced had quit because he had been hired on to the city’s police department, after years as security at this one particular development. The officer gets a call for a disturbance at [Address]. He pulls up in the big white car with words ‘Police Department’ on the side, and the obnoxiously bright blue lights on top. Of course, after years in the community, he knows everyone there. The officer walks up to the loudest of the troublemakers.)

Officer: “[Resident], can you tell me what exactly is going on?”

Resident: “Get the f*** out of here, security! Mind your own f****** business.”

(At this point, everyone else involved can foresee what is about to happen, and wants absolutely no part in the consequences, and begins to slowly back away!)

Officer: “[Resident], I asked if you could please tell me what’s going on.”

Resident: “Get out of here, Security, before I f*** you up!” *walks over and tries to strike [Officer]*

(The officer easily avoids the blow, performs a controlled take-down, cuffs Resident, and begins walking Resident to the very obvious police car. Understanding suddenly dawns on the dim-witted troublemaker.)

Resident: “Wait. You’re a cop?!”

Officer: *as he puts the resident in the car* “Yes, and now you are under arrest for not only ‘public disturbance,’ but ‘assaulting a police officer,’ and ‘resisting arrest.'”

(Needless to say, everyone else was an open book about the incidents of the night.)

(My six-year-old son and I are chatting as I walk him to school. For some reason we end up discussing when you should go to a doctor and when you should just take care of yourself.)

Son: “But if you’re in a bad accident, you should call the ‘prime-medics’ *paramedics*, because then if you die, at least you’ll die safely.”

Friend #1: “I have to go see if I can buy this book for a class I dropped.”

Professor: “Um… why?”

Friend #1: “Well, because I rented this book instead of buying it, and then I dropped the class, and now I can’t find the book. I’ve looked everywhere!”

Friend #2: “Isn’t your mom doing a yard sale? You might want to check with her just in case.”

Friend #1: “Yeah, but if she doesn’t have it, I suppose I’ll have to go buy a new copy…”

Professor: “Use a ouija board!”

Me: “Sell your soul to the devil and resurrect it!”

Professor: “Hmm.”

Friend #2: “That wouldn’t work. You’d only have the ghost of the book.”

Me: “Yeah… I guess they would tend to disappear… and go through walls at inopportune times.”

Friend #2: “You’d be haunted by the ghost book.”

Professor: “Oooooooo! You should have returned meeeeeeeeeeee!”