In-Tents Fire

| Related | May 17, 2012

(My brother was camping with some friends for a week. He is meeting our parents and I to finish up the camping trip together. When he arrives, his leg is heavily bandaged. We’re hanging out by the fire while our parents are on the phone with the doctor.)

Me: “What the heck did you do?”

Brother: “Eh… me and [friend] got crazy drunk and decided to play burning-sticks-sword-fighting.”

Me: “You, are an idiot.”

Brother: “Yeah. That’s why I told Mom and Dad I tripped and fell into the fire…”

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You Had Me At Edo

| Romantic | May 7, 2012

(I’m on a first date with a guy and he takes me to a festival in Japan-town. We’re watching the parade, kinda smushed together in the crowd. He leans down to whisper what I think will be something romantic in my ear.)

Him: “You know, according to their armor color, those samurai should be fighting to the death.”

(Seven years later, we’re married with two kids. I still maintain the samurai comment is when I fell in love with him.)

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The Pitfalls Of Parenting

, | Related | April 11, 2012

(My wife and my two-year-old daughter go to a local playground. My wife sees a pair of three-year-old boys digging a large hole in the sand.)

Wife: “Aw, look how cute they are.”

(I look over, and being a guy, I know exactly what they are up to.)

Me: “They are digging a pitfall trap.”

Wife: *laughing* “Don’t be so silly.”

(Five minutes later, one of the boys came over to my daughter.)

Boy: “Why don’t you come over here? Don’t look down…”

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Epic Wail

| Related | April 5, 2012

(A child of about six has been riding her scooter up and down the disabled ramp. She falls off. Her mother is standing nearby, but has her arms full with another little girl, about three, so hasn’t moved to comfort her. The child is crying.)

Mum: *sounding sympathetic* “Oh, dear.”

(The child, realising she is getting attention, starts wailing louder.)

Mum: *sounding less sympathetic* “Now that’s what I call epic fail.”

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The Whatchamacallit Family

, | Related | April 2, 2012

(My father and his brother own an apple orchard that’s been in the family for close to 100 years. One day, I am going to run an errand, and my brother, one of our cousins, and their wives happened to be there.)

Cousin: “Are you taking the thing to place?” (Translation: Are you taking the van to the frozen storage facility?)

Me: “To get the stuff, yeah.” (Translation: To get the cider that’s been in storage, yeah.)

Brother: “Did they tell you that you have to flip the doo-dad?” (Translation: Did they (Dad and uncle) tell you that you have to flip the latch on the door to get it to catch when you close it?)

Me: “Yes, and Hidgegummy showed me how to use the whatsits to open the gizmo.” (Yes, and Dad showed me how to use the crowbar to jimmy open the rear door with the latch that is stuck closed.))

(Upon hearing all this, my cousin’s wife, her eyes huge, turns to my brother’s wife.)

Cousin’s wife: “Oh. My. God! The whole family does it!”

(Note: We know that the aphasia likely isn’t genetic since my cousin is adopted.)

This story is part of our Terrible Cousins roundup!

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