Excuse Me, I Just Gotta Make A Quick Trip To Pennsylvania

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 27, 2021

Jason Momoa is filming a movie in the town where my college is located. I am walking to the main tourist square to grab lunch and I am behind two young men around my age. I happen to overhear their conversation.

Guy #1: “Are you sure this will work?”

Guy #2: “Absolutely! Look he’s like seven feet tall, right? So we’ll easily be able to spot him. Then, we strike up a friendly conversation and invite him out for beers. Next thing you know, we’re best friends with Khal freaking Drogo, man!”

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So Much For Smooth Sailing

, , , , | Friendly | February 8, 2021

I’m sailing with my dad and his friend on his friend’s boat. We’ve spent the night on his boat in a nice little bay and are now sailing back up the channel toward where he docks the boat. I’m at the helm and he’s telling us entertaining stories from when Hobart was a penal colony. We’re currently sailing directly toward a beach.

Me: “So… are we going to turn around soon?”

Friend: “Wait… what? This isn’t right. Where’s the channel?!”

He disappears below deck to check the GPS while I wait anxiously. He comes back up laughing.

Friend: “So, you know how I told you I don’t need the GPS to navigate the channel because I know it like the back of my hand? Yeah, I got too cocky.”

Turns out there are two islands in the channel: one parallel to it and one perpendicular to it. Both have the exact same profile, and we came in at just the right angle for him to confuse the perpendicular island for the parallel one and throw us wildly off course. Dad still mocks his friend for the mistake.

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Hold Your Horses!

, , , , , | Legal | December 27, 2020

My parents are holding onto a pair of our neighbor’s escaped horses in our front yard when an animal control officer stops to talk to them.

Officer: “Are these your horses?”

Mom: “No, they belong to our neighbor. We’ve already called and they are on their way.”

Officer: “Good, I want to talk to them. This isn’t the first time I’ve been called about these horses. Do you see them loose often?”

Mom: “No, this is a first for us. The goat, on the other hand—”

Officer: “There’s a goat?”

Father: “There’s the goat!”

As they were talking about it, our neighbor’s little black goat came trotting down the street! All animals were returned home safely and the neighbor replaced their fence so there were no more escapees of the equine or caprine variety.

This story is part of our Horse roundup!

Read the next Horse roundup story!

Read the Horse roundup!

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The Drink He Deserved If Not The One He Wanted

, , , , | Friendly | December 22, 2020

It’s late evening. I’m a woman in my thirties, and I’m the only person waiting at a dark tram stop when an unkempt old guy comes by. He eyes the soda bottle I just drank from.

Guy: “Give me that bottle! I want to have a drink!”

Me: “That’s tap water I filled up around noon. Are you sure you want that?”

Guy: *Angrily* “I said I want to have a drink!”

I shrug, surrender the bottle, and watch him take a big gulp and become very disappointed. He hands it back as if it was a used diaper.

Guy: *Hurt* “That’s disgusting! I wanted something strong! Why would you give me water?! That was mean!”

I point toward the direction my highly anticipated tram will hopefully be coming from very soon.

Me: “If you want alcohol, there was an old man slowly carrying a big red bag full of wine bottles right before you arrived here. He can’t have gone far; if you are quick enough, you can probably catch up with him and make him share.”

Thankfully, the idea of mugging imaginary Santa got him excited enough to leave, and my tram arrived not too long later. I had been clutching my knife from the moment he spoke to me.

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NOBODY Touches The Stop Sign!

, , , , | Friendly | CREDIT: Elfmagecin | December 21, 2020

I’m a woman in my thirties, and I’m a school crossing guard. You know the look: I have the bright yellow vest and a big, red sign. Even better, I won a matching yellow reflective hat when I embarrassed myself during my first training demo, thus I am all kitted out. So just remember that the key color here is yellow.

Recently, some big cellular company started installing fiber optics beneath the ground near our school, drilling and destroying the sidewalks. This is at some of the corners I am posted on, so I have to dance around cones and not fall into holes. Naturally, there are lots of reflective cones, blocked off areas, and most importantly, big dudes in ORANGE vests and hard hats. Anyway, it’s a hot mess. The kids are confused, the parents are irate, and I’m running my butt off, but we’re getting through it. The rush was hectic, but we’ve found our rhythm and the crowds start to thin.

Then, this lady parks in the bike lane and halfway into one of my crosswalks and right where the dudes are digging up the sidewalk — the worst place possible. Thinking she’s just a mom trying to pick up her kids — not the way to do it — I rush over, hoping my eyes look friendly because my smile is hidden behind my mask.

Me: “Afternoon, ma’am! I’m afraid I have to ask you—”

Lady: “You are seriously bad at your job!”

Me: *Stops short* “Um, come again, ma’am?”

Lady: “I’ve been watching you and you are doing it wrong! People could get hit because of you!”

I’m beginning to panic because I am very alert but maybe I’m off my game? I start reviewing the few minutes that just passed, wondering if I made any big mistakes. I’ve been covering my three corners fine, I let cars go fine, and I managed watching cars go into a turning lane that is now used for incoming traffic without anyone dying, but I’m not allowed to direct traffic, so I am thoroughly confused.

Me: “I’m so sorry, but could you elabor—”

Lady: “I don’t want excuses. I want you to do your job! You’re supposed to let a certain number of cars go at a time! And you’re not even trying to keep the kids off the road!”

Me: “Um…”

Then, I see my late stragglers approaching. I just want to ignore this lady who isn’t making any sense. So, I begin moving away so I can cross my kids. And this lady — this scrawny, beanpole of a lady — grabs my sign. Or, she TRIES to take it, but my sign is my baby. No one grabs my sign!

Me: “Whoa, ma’am!”

Lady: “I’ll direct traffic myself!”

I start to catch on.

Me: “Ma’am, please let go of my stop sign! I’m just trying to cross my kids. I am not part of the construction crew!”

Somehow, she hears that. She also hears my kids rushing over to ask if I’m okay, calling me by my surname. Even parents are starting to call over to me to see what was going on. The lady turns white and lets go of my sign.

Lady: “You… you work for the school?”

Me: *Clutching my sign* “Yes ma’am.”

Lady: “Oh, well… You shouldn’t wear the same vests!”

Again, I’m in yellow and the crew is in orange. I look at my vest, then at two workers, and then back at my vest. I am trying to be subtle. Five-year-olds, however, are NOT subtle, and one of my kindergarteners scoffs at this lady.

Kindergartener: “Uh, lady, she is in yellow. They in orange. Even I can tell ’em apart!”

I love this kid. The lady blinks once, just once, and then spins around and runs for her car. That’s it; she just runs from a sassy five-year-old. I wish I could have given this kid a hug.

I suppose this lady could’ve been colorblind, but she still shouldn’t have tried to take my sign!

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