Do The Right Thing, Or You’re Likely To Go Bananas

, , , , | Hopeless | November 16, 2018

Around ten years ago I went to my old school to collect my degree. To say that I was happy to finally hold that piece of paper in my hands would probably be an understatement.

As I was walking back to my car, I noticed a very old, tiny lady carrying five big shopping bags, all filled to the brim with groceries. After every two or three steps she had to take a break, put the bags down, breathe and then collect the bags to make the next few steps. I couldn’t let her suffer like this.

I went over and asked if she needed help, and she gladly accepted. I am by no means weak, but these bags were heavy! She told me that usually her nephew came with her and helped her, but he was sick that day and she really needed those groceries.

Thankfully, her apartment was not far away. Unfortunately, she lived on the third floor with no elevator. When we finally reached her apartment, I put down the groceries on her kitchen table and she started thanking me, while I told her it was fine. She then started looking around for something she could give me, while I tried to make my way out, just repeating that it was fine. When I managed to get halfway out the door, she called out to me, “But Miss, at least take one of the bananas!” I didn’t, but it made my day and I’m still chuckling thinking about it.

No One Is Surprised, As Angrily Honking The Car Horn Proves Less Effective Than Language

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 13, 2018

(I’m leaving campus late at night and I come up to the intersection at the street outside. The light is red. I press the button for the pedestrian crossing. I’ve noticed before that this intersection’s lights are badly programmed: it takes three to five minutes at night for the light to turn green after pressing the button. There’s no traffic at all, and no other people around. I press the pedestrian crossing button and wait near it. About five seconds later, a lone car comes up on the road to my left, also out of the campus, clearly intending to go straight across in the same direction as me. It stops at the red light, in the second lane away from me. Then, suddenly:)

Driver: *Hoooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooonk.*

(I’m startled and confused.)

Driver: *Hoooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooonk.*

(I’m alarmed enough that I take a couple steps away.)

Driver: *Hoooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooooooonk.*

(I look over and see it’s an expensive sports car, with some very impatient-looking, young dude behind the wheel. He’s making weird and angry faces at me and gesturing wildly; either pointing at me or at the light-pole behind me, while really laying on his horn. The other side of the street is a residential neighborhood, it’s late at night, and he’s making an enormous racket. I’m understandably weirded out and I take some more steps away.)

Driver: *Hoooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooooooonk. Hoooooooooooooonk.*

(He keeps on making angry faces at me and gesturing. I step away some more.)

Driver: *Hoooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooonk. Hooooooooonk. Hoooooooooooooonk.*

(With more angry faces and gesturing, I’m thoroughly freaked out. This is really weird, and there’s no one else around at all. The honking is just nonstop now. I take a wild guess and press the button for pedestrian crossing AGAIN. Like magic, the dude quits his gesticulating and lays off the horn.)

Me: *thinking* “Oh, my f****** God. Really!? That a**wipe really thought I was just standing around here waiting for a green light without having pressed the button?! And he was willing to scare the ever-living h*** out of me and wake up the whole neighborhood with this racket just to make me press that stupid button again?!

(Surprise, surprise, nothing happened after I pressed the button again. We both had to wait several more minutes for a green light, anyway, just like always at that intersection.)

Religion To Step Up Its Game, As Hell Advertises Itself As Pretty Darn Awesome

, , , , | Friendly | November 11, 2018

(This is something I hear while waiting at some traffic lights. There is a preacher standing close to the crossing, and he clocks an elderly woman crossing the road.)

Preacher: “Hello, and how you are today? Would you like to know how you can have immortal life with Jesus? It starts—”

Woman: “Oh, no. I’m hoping I get into Hell, actually.”

Preacher: *gasps* “But why?”

Woman: “Because my brother’s down there for being gay. He died of AIDS in the eighties. I miss him.”

(She continued walking while the preacher stood, dumbstruck.)

Pokémon Go To Jail

, , , | Legal | November 9, 2018

(My husband plays Pokémon Go. One evening, at ten pm, I am taking a shower and he spots a rare Pokémon “on the radar.” He decides to head out; he’ll be gone for only ten minutes so he doesn’t tell me he’s leaving. He grabs his black hoodie and rushes out of the door. While he is running down the street, he notices a car pulling up next to him, matching his speed. Since he’s heading towards a corner, he slows down, so the car can take the corner without waiting. However, the car slows down, as well. My husband stops. The car stops and the lights fade. Only then my husband notices the orange and blue stripes: a Dutch police car. The cop rolls down a window and calls out a name, which isn’t my husband’s name. The cop leaves the car.)

Cop: “Sir, what are you doing here?”

Husband: “I was on my way to catch a Pokémon.”

(He shows his phone that has the app running. He then notices the cop did not come alone; there is a second car, a van, with more cops inside.)

Cop: “I see. We are looking for [Suspect], and you fit the description perfectly.”

(My husband now gets nervous. It’s clearly a case of mistaken identity, but even he admits he looks suspicious; he’s running out in the dark, at ten pm, in a black hoodie.)

Cop: “Can you show us your ID?”

Husband: “Um… No. I only ran out to get a Pokémon.”

Cop: “Do you have anything on you that can confirm your identity?”

Husband: “No… But I know my social security number; does that help?”

Cop: “You know your SSN?! That’s a first…”

(In the Netherlands, rarely anyone knows their SSN by heart. My husband does, because he’s a sucker for numbers. The cop ran the SSN through the system and confirmed my husband’s identity. Since they were clearly in a hurry, the cop wished my husband a good run. He did a good run, indeed… straight home!)

Scariest Halloween Costume Turns Out To Be Middle-Aged Ladies Out On The Prowl For Conversations

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 8, 2018

It’s Halloween and I’m walking home from work through a part of town known for its fancy stores.

I’m dressed in surgical scrubs and running shoes, with my work ID on a lanyard around my neck the way hospital employees wear theirs, and sprayed with fake blood.

A random woman, well-dressed and in her forties, stops me, and asks if I’m a surgeon. I tell her no. She then starts to talk to me about her medical problems.

Lady, seriously?

Page 1/1212345...Last