A Dream Is A Wish Your Stomach Makes

, , , , , , | Working | January 1, 2019

(I enjoy feeding friends, and I often bring snacks into work. Some snacks are more memorable than others.)

Coworker: “When are you going to bring fudge in again?”

Me: “Which type?”

Coworker: “The peanut butter, tiger-swirled one.”

Me: *grinning* “I’ve been thinking about it.”

Coworker: “I’ve been dreaming about it.”

(It’s probably time to bring it in again. Soon.)

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That’s A Negative On The Math Jokes

, , , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2018

(As I man the cut table, the boss and the manager are making pizza and chatting.)

Boss: “I’ve heard it called the Deluxe, the Supreme, and the Garbage pizza, but after fourteen years in the business, this is the first time I’ve ever heard of it referred to as an Absolute Pizza.”

Me: “Does that mean it has the same value whether it’s negative or positive?”

Boss: “Definitely.”

Manager: “Look, I love bad math jokes more than most, but that one’s not worth a response.”

Me: “So, I could go to a customer and demand they pay up their negative Absolute Pizza? ‘Thanks for ordering; that’ll be $24.99, and you now owe me a pizza.'”

Manager: *glaring at boss* “You. YOU DID THIS.”

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It’s The Prints-able Of The Thing

, , , , , | Learning | June 27, 2017

(For some reason, the members of my thesis committee want hard copies of my entire thesis, even though I e-mailed them a digital file of it in order to avoid wasting paper. My thesis is over 70 pages, and with three members on my committee plus the program coordinator plus a representative from the Graduate Studies Office, that’s a lot of printing, which I’m expected to pay for out of my own pocket. Nonetheless, I go to the library to start printing. The printer seems to work fine, until it stops printing near the end of a copy. I go to the technician on duty.)

Me: “Excuse me, but the last 12 pages of this document didn’t print.”

Technician: *checks paper levels, ink levels, looks at the printing queue* “There’s nothing wrong with the printer.”

Me: “…”

Technician: “…”

(It takes me a bit to process how illogical it is to say there’s nothing wrong with the printer when clearly, there is something wrong with the printer.)

Me: “Well, I’m missing 12 pages of this document. Did they maybe get thrown awa—”

Technician: *interrupting* “There’s nothing wrong with the printer.”

(Our library has a policy that if you send something to the printer and it doesn’t print the first time, you can re-send it and the technician will print it out for you at no charge.)

Me: “…okay. If I try sending them to the printer again, will they print for free?”

Technician: “There’s nothing wrong with the printer!”

(At this point I’m mentally banging my head against a wall.)

Me: “Well, I sent the pages to the printer and they didn’t print. Can I try printing them again for free?”

Technician: *gives me a dirty look*

Me: “I think that’s the policy if they don’t print, right?”

Technician: *continues to glare at me*

(I have no clue what her problem is but I go and re-send the pages.)

Me: “I just sent them. It should be a 12-page Word document titled [Thesis].”

Technician: *gives me an impatient look*

Me: “Could you send them to be free-printed, please?”

Technician: *exasperated groan, hits the button for free print*

(The pages print fine, but I immediately go somewhere else to print the other copies. How hard is it to understand that just because you don’t know what the problem is, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem?)

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